a confession

last night, i spent my night with couple of my college friends, i kinda needed it. went out to karaoke night, where i (tried to) belt out nicki minaj's 'super bass'. anyway, one of the friend kinda have the same profile as i. in our late twenties and not in a rush to settle down. part of it because we had our 'serious' relationship when we were in college. we spent a good 7 years with a guy we later broke up with. and after that long relationship, we've been having trouble with dating in general. whether it's dating an unavailable guy, or for me is the series of assholes i've dated :)

anyway... for the first time that night, i've been able to say it out loud. i hate to be a person who has regrets, but i do have regrets. i regretted that i didn't break up with my first boyfriend sooner. i was so afraid no one would ever want me after him, i'm sticking with him for 7 years. i knew in year 2 that it will never work out. but i was so infatuated with perfection, and being a one-man-woman (uh huh... don't judge me, i was very young). i regretted that i spent my college years with just one guy, and very much regretted that i missed out in my youth. i didn't have college experiences (getting drunk, threesome, coming home in the wee hour in the morning, party 'till dawn, smoke weed, or the positive things, being exchange student, going around the world, travel). i didn't have those experiences, because i was settling with the guy i was with. he was a simple man, think that traveling is a waste of time, going to concerts and parties are waste of money, so i settle. i obeyed. i became domesticated. i even dreamed about being a wife who took care of her husband, have his clothes laid out in the morning, make his morning coffee the whole nine miles.

i know right?!

so i regretted that i missed out on lots of things. that's one thing i wish i can re-do. i want to go back to my sophomore year and just make a clean break. and experience life! but i guess without that experience, i won't become the person that i am right now, i have one less mistake, but lots to gain.

well, enough with the land of what-ifs. but just so you know, i do hate myself for this, but i have regret. that is not ending relationships when i should have.

All for one...

therefore we fall...

i'm sorry, another bad pun. but that's what i felt when i was watching the newest installment of alexander dumas' "the three musketeers". no, i did not read any of the reviews when i went and see this movie, so totally virgin... other than the fact that i know the cute percy jackson, logan lerman is going to be d'artangan and mr. d'arcy, matthew macfayden is going to be athos. i have no expectation other than how this movie is going to live up to the 1993 version that i love so much.

well... i don't know, all i got was...meh

chris o'donnell's d'artangan was...legendary for me at least. i mean, he's witty, sarcastic, and the level of cockiness was just right. logan lerman's d'artangan had cocky written all over it. well he's a bit funny, sarcastically, but for me, it's over-cocky... i know, i have high expectation for d'artangan... he's one of my favorite heroes.

the story line was edgy...to say the least. i mean, flying ships...come on. i know, maybe i'm a classic girl, i demanded a classic rendition of the movie. so when it comes to the edgy stuff, i'm on the fence. i mean the flying ships thing no no... but the flamboyant king and duke that's when i high-five the writers. king louis stole the movie for me. i love him! it's a new side of the king to explore. we know how ridiculous the royals those days...and he got it spot on for me.

by the by, god bless CGI huh? now the cost of the production could be lower because of that. you don't have to travel around the world, or let bad weather slows your production. all you have to do is think up of a scenery, and bam! right out of your green screen. but it is beautiful nonetheless. and i love the musketeer's house. one more lovable character, is the servant planchet. i want to pinch him all through the movie... he's like...baby huey, sans the clumsiness and accident prone.

another surprise was... wait for it... it'll be another franchise like the pirates of the caribbean. because the ending was a cliffhanger, and REALLY opens up for a sequel... so i guess we'll be seeing a lot more logan with his extension huh?

the latter was a mistake to read it online before i watched the movie, because half of the time i was paying attention to his hair and looking for clues for the extension (dude, if it shows on the movies they probably have edited it, duh! it's 2011 for godsake).

anyway... it was a great entertainment, but sadly for me, those spectacular effects, the edgy story line, not really buying it. still i love the 1993 film.

but there is the dialogue that i like between d'artangan and constance:

constance : are you always this cocky

d'artangan : only on tuesdays and when there is a really beautiful woman around (i don't remember the verbatim, but you got the idea)

constance : so i'm a beautiful woman

d'artangan : no, it's tuesday

:)

how do you know....

that is the million dollar question in a relationship. how do you know that the person you're with is the one. i mean, tens of thousand theories, and all proven to be just bliss... but one theory still stands, you know he/she is the one is when that person makes you a better person.

i'm not bs-ing... i've seen it in real life (we're beginning to sound like a tagline now :p) but seriously. i've seen it myself, on my dearest cousin. see, i don't have a big brother, and for some reason, i see my cousin, mas oi, as a big brother i never have. no, we're not really that close, but for some reason, his presence, in a hostile environment, or in tough situation, makes me feel safe. anyway, he is one of the few other species in my family. see, in my extended family, we got two species, loud and louder, and the others.... well he's the others. and he rarely blend in with us, he usually passed on our shindig, because i guess we're too loud for him :)

but lately, something changed. mas oi has a girlfriend!! i mean, he had girlfriends before, but this one is different, and i know it. i mean, i noticed the changes on him, he probably doesn't know this (now he knows, if he reads this entry) that i always pay attention to everything he does. well, lately, he became approachable. for me at least, i mean, our relationship has always been 'formal' but lately we talked, small talks, not only things we need to talk about. and one thing that was surprising for me too, he came to our annual gathering after eid!! see, we the kids have this annual gathering thing every year after eid, that would be the only time we're like in complete formation. so me and my cousins all gather in a place, and just hang. best time ever for me, but because mas oi was not really into it, he usually didn't go. but this year, he went, and he came with his girlfriend, mbak novi. he was different, and i'm not the only one who notice, my baby cousin rara did too. he had this glow in his face, he looked happy, he still looks happy right now.

see, the one would change you, in a good way, the way mbak novi changes mas oi. so how do you know if he/she is the one... he/she will change you, in a good way. he/she makes you a better person, not only for each other, but for other people surrounding you guys.

so i'm waiting, for that person, who will make me a better person, for everyone. i know he's out there, we just haven't run into each other yet :)

the reunion in neighborhoods

the day has arrived... my copy of "neighborhoods" is here!!! i am excited as a 16 year old going to the prom with her high school crush. i can't wait to listen to it, the band that i look up to ever since... i can't remember.

yes i have an eclectic taste in music. there is no other shelf where you can find backstreet boys, n'sync and westlife next to foo fighters, koRn, pearl jam and blink 182. sue me.

anyway, i fell in love with mark, tom and travis when i saw their "what's my age again" video clip. i was hooked to the song, and i think what they did in the video was balsy (pun intended) and everything started form that. i know, for all of you older blink fans, you'd probably say i caught them in the mainstream, yeah i'm the late bloomer. but i can't get myself away from blink. after 'what's my age again' i bought the copy of "enema of the state" and vowed if i ever make a band, it'll be modeled after blink 182.

the band thing never happened :) but i stuck with what i can do best, listened to music and catch the hits :p

for neighborhoods, it's like the moment i've been waiting for ever since their announcement to reunite in 2009. as soon as the copy arrived, couldn't stop jumping up and down (literally) and started cranking right away.

well, this is not the blink i knew in 1999, the lyrics is as far away from "wendy clear" or "mutt" as possible. the mood is darker, i bet no more running around naked for mark, travis and tom. or let alone a cover that features the infamous janine lindenmulder. it's like listening to a different band. not a band who grew up, but a different band.

i mean in the famous 'untitled' album (i like this take better than 'self-titled') you can still hear the old blink from some of the lyrics in some of the songs like 'violence' or 'easy target' or 'feeling this'. but this album is a complete departure from the 'old blink' so to speak.

not that i hate it (unlike the other band that i religiously listened to back then who changed their direction completely, their name rhymes with 'blinkin' bark') blink's departure actually acceptable for me. it's like they're growing up with their fans, so to speak. their lyrics capture the complication of adulthood and not about their ever growing manhood anymore (okay bad pun, i'm sorry).

anyway, even though i feel a little disappointed on the side, because sound wise, i hear no blink at all, i mean what i hear was blankva racer +44 (shoot me for these bad puns) but i think i'm learning to love this new band. the 'snake charmer' is one of my favorite. it got this verse 'cause good girl they like to sin' can be one of my collectible best-one-liner. and 'kaleidoscope' is one of my favorite, is one of the few song where mark is the lead singer, what can i say, i love that man better :p sound wise, it's a bit confusing for me, the intros are like too much foreplay before sex. i mean, just get it on already (but i guess that's the not musician side of me). but lyric wise, i bow down to the men... i mean they're just beautiful from 'ghost on the dance floor' to 'even if she falls'.

so, i guess "neighborhoods" is like seeing stiffler or michael kelso becomes an attorney, full suit and all, and suddenly quoting smart stuff. i know, trippy right? but it's not bad, not bad at all, i mean stiffler...er...blink is growing up and going to a positive adult direction (as some of his fans should have) so i just need sometime to get used to. they're still blink in my heart, not naked and singing about erection anymore, but they're still blink, the album still rocks...i just need to get used to the serious adult side of them.

away

sitting here

in a strange place

strange bars

strange lighting

a departure from my corner of the world

i feel... strange

in your world i feel lost

i feel...indifferent

i want to like it

i want to belong

but i long, for the comfort smiles

the faces that i know

my little corner

the one that i call home

memory of a friend...

I was sitting here watching TV with the latest hit show on the planet. Suddenly I remembered a friend who had passed. She was my college classmate, passed away on July 2006, only 24 years old. I outlived her by 5 years now.

I remember hearing the news for the first time, in the early morning hours, and I have to read the text 3 times before letting it sink in. I called about 4 people to confirm what had happened. My friend, died.

She was not my close friend. So I didn’t feel so crushed when she passed (please don’t judge me, it’s just how I feel). But I did feel sad for her. She still had so many things to do. She still hadn’t finished her Final Paper for graduation. She never knew how it feels sitting in that hot Balairung, listening to Gadeamus Igitur by the freshmen, taking cheesy picture in front of cheesy backdrop. She never knew Britney shaved her bald, or there is a show called Glee that is addictive. She never knew Facebook or Twitter, or caught on the smartphone crazed. She never knew there is this ridiculous phenomenon in Indonesia called Syahrini, who uttered out stupid catchy phrases. The bimbo that everyone loves to hate. She never knew that Irfan Bachdim joined the Indonesian National Team and became their cover boy.

But most importantly, she never got to see her son grow up. She never got to teach her son to read, or to tie his shoes. She never got to go to her son first day of school.

There are so many things they missed when they passed young. And sometimes I found myself asking, why them not me. Why do I have the chance to outlive these people. Because if I go back, and see their lives, they had lived it…and still had more too offer.

Well… I guess it’s time for me, once again to count my blessings, and live my life to the fullest.

Dear Yulan, you are missed, but I know they’re taking care of you, you had such a pure soul.

linger

when i close my eyes i see you

you're everywhere surrounding me

in my dreams, in my mind, in every bit of my existence

when i close my eyes you're here

with your smile and that gleam in your eyes

the one that i love so much

and reality rushed in

the fact slapped me in the face

you're not real

you're gone

you're always perfect to me

because i never allowed you in my reality

you only exist in memory

that's why you're always perfect

my imagination kept you beautiful

kept you immortal

i kept hanging on to you

the only perfection i've ever wanted