Tuesday, January 27, 2015

confession of a(n ex) spinster's icon

ow come on... like it is not on everyone's mind.

i am (or was) the last person in the mind of everyone i know to be portrayed as happily being a wife and a mom.  no, no need to reconfirm that, it's true, because i was the one who built the perpetually single and seemingly happy image.  with countless of casual dating and my sarcastic way to answer the dreaded southeast-asian type question, "why was i still single in my late twenties, wasn't i worried that my womb is drying up?" (my answer is as always, i was enjoying life, and my womb is not going anywhere, j lo had her twins at her 40s... so i would like to think i still have time :D)

in my family at least, i am dubbed as the unofficial 'spinster's icon'.  my sister and younger cousins would use me as an excuse why they are still single.  does that really bother me?  not really, i see this as a way to empower younger generation of girls.

the thing is i've been blessed in living in environments where women are not judged by their marital status, and the measure of a woman's success is not marrying at a young age.  i am blessed with a point of view that a woman can be fine without a man (thank you beyonce!).

nothing against those who are happily married at a young age.  hats off to you guys for finding your soulmate at such an early age, that shows a lot of maturity and wisdom, something i have yet to possess when i was at your age.  i was on the other side of the spectrum.  marriage wasn't really on my agenda.

well, it doesn't mean i didn't want to get married (well i kinda did at one point, and my mom and my aunt set me straight).  but being a wife of someone was never my end goal (unlike most girls in this country).  i want to be a wife at some point, but it is not my lifelong dream.  i want to have my own name, make my own way, have my own career.  i don't want to define my life based on a man.  because i kinda did at one point in my life and it made me miserable (ow that's another blog entry).

the thing i want to get across my writing this entry is that don't sweat it.  especially for you girls.  i know, i know, the old saying that girls have biological clock.  but that doesn't mean that you have to marry the first guy who asked you to be his wife (i didn't).  when you want to marry someone, it has to be someone who you really truly want to spend the rest of your life with.  remember it is your life, you are the one who is going to see that face everyday, and you are the one who is going to go about your daily lives with them, not people who threw some mindlessly two-cent in. so before jumping to any commitment think about that.  and remember, marriage is not just about being a pretty bride, something happened in the wedding night, and remind yourself again, you're the one who has to sleep with the person you're marrying, not some know-it-all friend who is seemingly happily married with two kids.

then when do you know when it is time?

huh... never really think about that, maybe because i didn't sweat it so much, so i never really set a target to myself.  it doesn't mean that i wasn't looking either.  like i said, i wanted to get married at some point in my life, but it wasn't my end goal.  and definitely wasn't the only goal i have in this life.  so when is the perfect time for you to 'settle down' and when do you say to yourself 'enough searching, this is it'.  i guess it's for you to know and find out yourself.

but i will say this though, the best relationship is one that doesn't feel forced.  the best relationship is one that you don't need to lie about anything to your partner (yes this includes small details like the kind of music you listen to).  the best relationship is one that you don't need to change so much that you started to not recognize yourself.  and the most importantly the best relationship is one that makes you a better person when you're with them.  so, if you're with someone who made you feel some or all of the above, maybe you're ready to take the plunge.

so if you haven't find the one yet, really don't sweat it.  have fun, enjoy yourself, experiments.  make a name for yourself, work hard, spend your money on things you like, be carefree.  travel, meet people, go on dates, break hearts!  enjoy your youth, it only happens once and you'll appreciate it when you get older (oh the irony).

again, i am not saying that you should not marry young.  unfortunately that option did not suit me, i married much much later in my life.  i am just saying do not force it, because you want it to be a once in your life thing right?  not all of us have privilege of the life kim kardashian has.  but when you find someone you really truly want to be with, take the plunge, no matter how old you are, or how accomplish you feel you are.  because there is never 'the perfect time' to get married, it's either that time has come or not.  and i'm telling you, from my experience of being a wife and mom, nothing gave me better joy.  so it is a lot of fun...considering you're marrying the right person.  and for me, i think i've won the lottery :)

Monday, November 24, 2014

about a child

you are where my sun rises
you are where it sets
you're my best wishes
bundled up in a perfect package

you're a reminder
of my mortality
a humble reminder
what will be left of me

though i can mold you
to be what i desire
you are you
and i wish for nothing less

though i can steer you
to whatever golden road i've paved for you
eventually you will choose
whatever gravel road you want to travel

even when i think i know what's best for you
you will know what's better
i hope when the time comes
i remember that little fact

you are my biggest hope
my dreams, and my legacy
i know that you are you
but there is always pieces of me in you
that you carry
for a reminder

that you are where my sun rises
and you are where it sets

jkt 141124

Thursday, November 20, 2014

about my best friends...

do you realize that you enjoy spending time with your friends more than you are with your relatives? curious huh? that's because you can choose your friends, but relatives are just given to you.  so with relatives you feel this annoying obligation to spend time with them thus it became such a burden.

but i know that i am one of the lucky few that won the relatives lottery, because God granted me a group of unique individuals who are not just my relatives, but they're my best friends.

of course it's not like we hung out every week in a designated coffee shop sipping our lattes (no cinta, the REAL world we don't really do that).  we don't even talk to each other everyday, but we are always there when it counts.

we bully each other, call each other names, laugh at each other, and yes we also bicker.  but we always made up.  not because we're family, but because we truly genuinely care about each other.

it is also nice to know that they always have my back, and no matter what, they'll stand by my side.  they might not always agree with me, but they will surely stand by me throughout anything.

so guys, i thank the heavens everyday that we shared bloods, i am so blessed. like i said, you're not only my relatives, you're my best friends.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

37 weeks and 3 days...

it took me a while to write this down, but here it goes....

putting the laborious thesis aside i'm writing this down as the baby is sleeping nice and soundly (how's that for a change)

it was a wonderful journey, all 37 weeks and 3 days and it was really sweet at the end.

we found out we were expecting the day before christmas in 2012.  It was, for me, both the happiest and scariest moment in my life.  mostly happy though, to think that i'm going to a mom, something i've longed for a while.  I always wanted someone to call me mommy, and it was exciting to see the road ahead.

i know what you hear, a lot of people are saying that when you're expecting it is the greatest time of a woman's life and all that jazz.  it is, 50% of the time :) the other 50 is what i called the dark side of the moon that everyone don't usually speak of :))

don't get me wrong, i love every second of my pregnancy, feeling the baby kicked, and when i talk to him sometimes i got a reaction from him, it was ecstatic! but the down side of pregnancy, the nausea, the bloated body, back pain, the fact that you can't sleep on your back for months.

but it was all worth it.  trust me when the time arrives, the pain will be worth it.

when prabas decided it was time for him to see the world, it was a weird feeling for me too.  part of me was excited to see him finally, and part of me wanted to keep him close to me for longer time.  but mostly i wanted to meet him.

i don't need to tell you about the pain.  gosh i have never felt that kind of pain, and i have a high threshold for pain.  the difference about this pain is that you can't react like you usually react to pain, which is pushing.  you can't push unless you're fully dilated.

i had a long labor.  from friday to sunday :)) but when he finally arrived, all the pain, everything has passed.  when i see him presented in front of me by my obgyn, i hear him crying for the first time.  it was nothing like i've ever feel before.  i understood what it feels like to truly love someone at the first sight, and to be there for them no matter what.  i know that i would die for him to be happy, and sacrifice everything for his happiness.

i guess i became that annoying parents after all, who always gushes about their kids and who thinks their kids are the most precious thing that walks on earth.  but i guess every parents are like that :)

prabas changed me a lot!! i mean i don't sweat the little things anymore -like the finale of himym :p or when i found out my one that got away *coughdarrencrisscough* has a girlfriend already (there goes my backup plan) :p- i guess i could say he grew me up??? (i'm making up phrases now)

well, it took me a long time to write this up, and i bet it'll take me longer to write my *not gonna type the word* let's call it my second creation :) and there are adjustments that i have to make in my life right now. i don't do a lot of things i used to do anymore (like watching the box office RIGHT on the premiere, or shoe shopping).  but the smiles that i get from him every time i walked in the room, or the way he always seek me out for protection is a constant reminder that i made the right choice, and i am right where i am supposed to be.  i have a new purpose in life, to make sure that he grew up right, and make everyone that loves him proud.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

midnight note

you're here
you're with me
you exist

my life was hollow
my life was meaningless
and then you exist

now all is calm
all is perfect
messy, but perfect

-it's not much, but it's a start :)-

Thursday, October 3, 2013

not meant to be

it seems like two lifetime ago
we were as close as ever
talking about our future
but it was not meant to be

we started out funny
i was with someone
you were with another
just innocent flirting
for what was not meant to be

sometimes you're closer
sometimes i'm distant
three times a charm they said
but not us
because we're not meant to be

we planned vacations
visiting places we've never been
talked how we would spend our days
warming in the sun
it was never happened
we were not meant to be

maybe we will live with this what ifs
we were always close
but always a step too far
we could never be
we are not meant to be

-bogor, 131003-
for my not meant to be (you know who you are) thank you for being in my life

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


sunday february 17 2013 was supposed to go like any other sundays.  the day when my husband and i would frantically trying to catch up with our school works while the deadlines are breathing down our necks.  i was supposed to stay up, despite the surge of protest from the baby, to finish up the work i meant to work out over the weekend (being translated only sunday night).  we were supposed to grab quick dinner, and hurry back home to burry our heads in our laptops hoping to meet the impending deadline.

but sunday february 17 2013 was not any other sundays.  it will be one of the days we, as family, will remember tragically for the rest of our lives.

i was just reading the latest adventure of economic geography in indonesia, when i decided to take a break and walk to the room.  there was a missed call from my mother, due to my study, i live away from her since last year.  she and i talked regularly, which caused my phone bills to skyrocketed, but distance cause cost right? :)

anyway, i called her back, and she was on her way home from a family function.  it was not uncommon for our family to have gatherings on the weekends, my mother used to say, the older you get, the more important family is to you.  me, as the younger generation, would just shrugged it off.  i have no idea where she was at the moment she called me, she must be close to the house.  it was around 6pm, when i heard her voice shifted, means that she was moving.  and then, come the horror.

in the midst of our conversation, she suddenly told me, "why is the gate unlocked?"

i asked her where she was, she said she was just walking into the house.  and the next sentence brings out more horror, "omigod, the doors are opened."  i heard her rushed inside the house, saying salaam and cried out whether someone was at the house or not.  and next i heard her screamed and cried.

she told me in frantic voice, that they have taken everything, all her stuff everything.  i panicked as her pitch grew higher, the blood seemed to drained from my body, not us, not my home, not my family, she must be joking!

but my mom has a good sense of humor and a fine sense not to joke around about stuff like that.  as she grew frantic, and i grew panic, she hung up the phone.

the next hour seemed like one of the longest hour that i've been in.  it was like the days when my mom and are were in the hospital waiting on our ailing father, and hoping he would not blow up.  phone calls were made by my husband, for i was too shocked to talk.  i called my sister and that was it.

they have stolen everything.

everything that my parents have worked their whole life for.


my world suddenly collapsed, the safe haven i called home was broken in.  and they took everything.

they took all the cash in the house and all the jewelries.  the material damage was significant, but it seemed so miniscule compared to the memories they have taken.  the jewelries that they have taken, some of them, have been passed down from my grandmother, and then there were the birthday gifts my sister and i have bought our mother and i can proudly say that she wore it proudly, my sister and i have good taste on things :).  and among the jewelries stolen were my husband wedding gift to me (for lack of better terms, dowry), and my grandmother's necklace i wore on my engagement day.

things that my mother has given to my sister and i, and we were hoping that we will pass it down to our daughters someday.

my husband said, he can get me other jewelries and all the shiny things i want.  i know that to be true.  but it will never be the same, it is not the same things he had given to me on our wedding day, the one i was hoping my daughter would wear on her wedding day.

even more to that, these days, my mom could no longer sleep in her room.  she said it was too traumatic, she hated to be inside the house.  the house that my mom and i designed to our liking, we designed every room, every lamp, every electrical socket to fit our needs.  the house that my mom took pride on, because she said it was the most comfortable crib in the world.  but now she no longer feel comfortable inside it.

so, i would like to say to those who broken in our house on sunday, february 13, 2013, i hope you have a very good reason for doing what you did.  i hope it is to help your ailing mother out of the hospital, or to pay for your children's or your spouses' medical bills.

i hope my parents' lifework is used for good things for you, because if it were used otherwise, so help me god, i pray that you could never rest easy in this world.  i tried to turn the other cheek and pray for your soul.  and i still do, but i still wish you would come crawling to my mother's feet and beg for forgiveness.  and i hope to god she she will forgive you.  for what you have stolen, was not just mere goods and those that can be counted in numbers.  you have stolen our memories, our wishes, and our sense of security.

you may have pushed us down right now, but you do not break us, and you will not win.

and i do not wish any of you to feel what our family is feeling right now.  i cannot even wish this for my worst enemy.  and i hope none of you would go through what we are going through right now.  and for now, we have to continue our lives, there are still bills to pay, assignments to do, and a baby in waiting :)

there will be a silver lining for this, for after the storm, there always be a beautiful sunset.