Thursday, October 3, 2013

not meant to be

it seems like two lifetime ago
we were as close as ever
talking about our future
but it was not meant to be

we started out funny
i was with someone
you were with another
just innocent flirting
for what was not meant to be

sometimes you're closer
sometimes i'm distant
three times a charm they said
but not us
because we're not meant to be

we planned vacations
visiting places we've never been
talked how we would spend our days
warming in the sun
it was never happened
we were not meant to be

maybe we will live with this what ifs
we were always close
but always a step too far
we could never be
we are not meant to be

-bogor, 131003-
for my not meant to be (you know who you are) thank you for being in my life

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

robbed

sunday february 17 2013 was supposed to go like any other sundays.  the day when my husband and i would frantically trying to catch up with our school works while the deadlines are breathing down our necks.  i was supposed to stay up, despite the surge of protest from the baby, to finish up the work i meant to work out over the weekend (being translated only sunday night).  we were supposed to grab quick dinner, and hurry back home to burry our heads in our laptops hoping to meet the impending deadline.

but sunday february 17 2013 was not any other sundays.  it will be one of the days we, as family, will remember tragically for the rest of our lives.

i was just reading the latest adventure of economic geography in indonesia, when i decided to take a break and walk to the room.  there was a missed call from my mother, due to my study, i live away from her since last year.  she and i talked regularly, which caused my phone bills to skyrocketed, but distance cause cost right? :)

anyway, i called her back, and she was on her way home from a family function.  it was not uncommon for our family to have gatherings on the weekends, my mother used to say, the older you get, the more important family is to you.  me, as the younger generation, would just shrugged it off.  i have no idea where she was at the moment she called me, she must be close to the house.  it was around 6pm, when i heard her voice shifted, means that she was moving.  and then, come the horror.

in the midst of our conversation, she suddenly told me, "why is the gate unlocked?"

i asked her where she was, she said she was just walking into the house.  and the next sentence brings out more horror, "omigod, the doors are opened."  i heard her rushed inside the house, saying salaam and cried out whether someone was at the house or not.  and next i heard her screamed and cried.

she told me in frantic voice, that they have taken everything, all her stuff everything.  i panicked as her pitch grew higher, the blood seemed to drained from my body, not us, not my home, not my family, she must be joking!

but my mom has a good sense of humor and a fine sense not to joke around about stuff like that.  as she grew frantic, and i grew panic, she hung up the phone.

the next hour seemed like one of the longest hour that i've been in.  it was like the days when my mom and are were in the hospital waiting on our ailing father, and hoping he would not blow up.  phone calls were made by my husband, for i was too shocked to talk.  i called my sister and that was it.

they have stolen everything.

everything that my parents have worked their whole life for.

everything.

my world suddenly collapsed, the safe haven i called home was broken in.  and they took everything.

they took all the cash in the house and all the jewelries.  the material damage was significant, but it seemed so miniscule compared to the memories they have taken.  the jewelries that they have taken, some of them, have been passed down from my grandmother, and then there were the birthday gifts my sister and i have bought our mother and i can proudly say that she wore it proudly, my sister and i have good taste on things :).  and among the jewelries stolen were my husband wedding gift to me (for lack of better terms, dowry), and my grandmother's necklace i wore on my engagement day.

things that my mother has given to my sister and i, and we were hoping that we will pass it down to our daughters someday.

my husband said, he can get me other jewelries and all the shiny things i want.  i know that to be true.  but it will never be the same, it is not the same things he had given to me on our wedding day, the one i was hoping my daughter would wear on her wedding day.

even more to that, these days, my mom could no longer sleep in her room.  she said it was too traumatic, she hated to be inside the house.  the house that my mom and i designed to our liking, we designed every room, every lamp, every electrical socket to fit our needs.  the house that my mom took pride on, because she said it was the most comfortable crib in the world.  but now she no longer feel comfortable inside it.

so, i would like to say to those who broken in our house on sunday, february 13, 2013, i hope you have a very good reason for doing what you did.  i hope it is to help your ailing mother out of the hospital, or to pay for your children's or your spouses' medical bills.

i hope my parents' lifework is used for good things for you, because if it were used otherwise, so help me god, i pray that you could never rest easy in this world.  i tried to turn the other cheek and pray for your soul.  and i still do, but i still wish you would come crawling to my mother's feet and beg for forgiveness.  and i hope to god she she will forgive you.  for what you have stolen, was not just mere goods and those that can be counted in numbers.  you have stolen our memories, our wishes, and our sense of security.

you may have pushed us down right now, but you do not break us, and you will not win.

and i do not wish any of you to feel what our family is feeling right now.  i cannot even wish this for my worst enemy.  and i hope none of you would go through what we are going through right now.  and for now, we have to continue our lives, there are still bills to pay, assignments to do, and a baby in waiting :)

there will be a silver lining for this, for after the storm, there always be a beautiful sunset.

Friday, February 8, 2013

hey it's twenty thirteen

i looked up my last update, it's been two months since i've written anything in here

whoa....

guess a lot had happened in couple of months... i am getting used to being a mrs right now.  it's strangely awesome.  i mean, i have to get used to this feeling... the feeling of, calm, and complete.  i mean, at this moment, i feel okay.  and that's kinda weird.  and being me, i'm kinda waiting for something to explode, because this is my life, i couldn't be this good.

or could it?? i mean, maybe he was the missing link in my life all along, the one piece of puzzle that i've been desperately looking all over the world for.

well, anyway, right now, i'm preparing for a journey.  these feet going to touch a strange land in a matter of a month.  tristan is going to have europe dust all over him.  but this journey will be incomplete, because i envisioned i took this journey along with my husband.  he has to stay behind because he didn't pass the scholarship requirements.  am i sad? i'm heartbroken!!! i mean, i always dreamt to go to plitvice lake with him, and wanted him to see the picturesque landscape and take pictures we'll treasure for generations.  but i guess this is not the time yet.

someday... and he promised to work on it, we'll explore the world together, and with our children of course.  we'll get that degree together too :) it's a promise, with things that has been going on, good things finally, i am positive that we'll do what we've dreamed of, and i know he'll make our dreams come true

here's to twenty thirteen and all the good things it has in store for us (it's us now *blushed*)