Wednesday, September 29, 2010

the fear

i have this thing, this mask i always wear, this persona that i supported... i am fearless, i am fierce, i am strong...

yeah right!

give me love, and i crumble like soft sugar cookies... my defense, this wall, would fall and i become a girl when i fall in love. that's why i don't fall that often. only 6 times in my lifetime (two were childhood crushes, but they were so innocent and cute, i count that as love, but relationship-wise i've only been in 4). that would only be once every give or take 3 years right? so not that often (well we're not counting pacey witter, mike shinoda, and nicholas gene carter :p)

see... still hiding it. my fear. the thing is, i'm afraid to admit it, but i'm scared to death.

i've never felt this way, until now. see, i don't fall that often, but *i'm trying not to sound cocky* sometimes i impress people too much :) and sometimes, i kind of led them on. so when i 'threw' someone away, i always said to myself, plenty of catch in the sea...
but the thing is, the catch that i wanted, never stay for long. and not until my recent break up, i have this enormous fear of... living alone.

i was always okay to face the fact that i might have to live by myself, because no one could really handle me. i used to be okay with the idea of living in an apartment, by myself (maybe a cat and gold fishes) and just live the life i've always wanted. never going to be a mother, because being an aunt will be enough for me.

but right now, i want more. i want that white picket fence, i want someone to share my bed at night, i want to feel body heat next to me, and when i woke up from a nightmare, i want to have someone to calm me down.

i am afraid i'm going to end up alone. now i hate the idea of not sharing my life with anyone. i hate the idea of sleeping alone...

so there's my fear, i'm scared of being alone... you have no idea