Sunday, September 27, 2009

picture perfect

what is perfect
no one really have  a clear definition for it

i thought phil mallinger was perfect.  oh god, was he beautiful! but time changes i grew up (took a long time) but he might be perfect, but he's not perfect for me.

and then i thought my first boyfriend was perfect.  we were match made in heaven, or that's what i thought.  for years i try to convince myself he is my match.  for he is one beautiful being. he is, i love him.  until now i care about him, and i always will have this guilty feeling for him, for leaving him.  i was never faithful with him, maybe that's why i have to leave.  well i hope he's happy now, and find his perfection.

i thought i found my perfection with the second boyfriend.  ow well, i was dumb, i can't really find a perfection based on that.  it was infatuation.  but i thought it was perfect, but not anymore.

and then, i have my parent's dream job.  all of the sudden i am my mother's perfection.  i live in her dream, but not mine.  yet it's a perfection after all. 

and then he completed it.  my perfect state.  for that long, when he was by my side, i feel like everything is going my way.  it's not perfect, but i felt perfect.

but now, i don't know.  i could barely finish my entry now.

ow well, i gotta go now.

but before i go, i have to say, that i miss him terribly, and i'm coping, barely making it, but i'm coping.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


i was eating my breakfast yesterday, and suddenly i remember my prissy mom. and i decided to make a blog about her. after all, she's responsible for half of this... (pointing @ oneself) besides that, if anyone deserves a post in this place, most of all is her.

my mom is one hell of a woman, if you want to know the definition of the word strong and perseverance, all you have to do is just look @ her. she gave me this life, she made us comfortable. with a price of course, but we're working on the side effect right now. but all in all, my mom is one hell of an individual.

my mom shapes my way of thinking. seriously she does, she makes me the woman i am right now. she makes me strong. i am what i am because of her. i can loudly say "jangan jadi cewek jelek ah" because of her. she taught me, don't ever rely to anything, except God and your family. she also taught me how valuable my sister is, because she's the only one who will stood up for me when she and bapak is no longer here.

she taught me to work for myself. "do not be dependent to anyone after me," she said once to me. "have dignity, and have your own money, even if your husband can provide you with anything you want, you still have to have your own money."

and she is the person who told me, @ 5 year-old, "if you want to be beautiful, you have to experience pain, because to be beautiful is painful." (a lot for a 5 year-old to absorb huh, that's my mom for you guys :) )

she's my toughest critics, @ times i don't show her my works because she is so critical, i felt it's never going to be good for her. and don't even get me started about food. it's hard to please her when it comes to food (except for my cooking, she loves my cooking :) ) she cannot eat street food (it's not hygienic) that's just one of the many. if she found, even a slightest 'mistake' in a food (i.e. something that looks suspicious) she won't eat the food @ all. oh god, i can't list them all...

but in short, my mom is the strongest woman i know. and if i'm half the woman she'll ever be, i will consider myself successful.

me heart mommy :)