Friday, April 22, 2011

now it's your turn

you've stood there
with your boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'
but i stay still

my cave still sealed shut
i didn't budge

you've sent love letters
quoting shakespeare and emily dickinson
but i pushed you away

at times i looked over my window
just to find out you're still there
still smiling back at me

and then you disappeared
sometime too long
but somehow
you came back

after all the bitterness i gave you
with dragon bites all over
you came back

yet i remained unmoved
still stubbornly sealing shuts
all entrance to the cave

but now, it's me
who stood out here
outside your house
holding out the boom-box
blasting out 'in your eyes'

it's me
looking at your window
hoping you peer out
so i can give you a smile

because, after all these years
i finally realized
it's you!
it's always you!

but i've been silent too long
and you're tired
but i'm still here
with my boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'
with my own words
saying how do i love thee
hoping that you'll take a chance with me

Monday, April 18, 2011

bapak dearest

my dad, is not my best friend. gosh no he's not. i mean, we're like the odd couple. we fight, a lot. part of it, i guess maybe i reminded him of himself. people say i am the mirror image of him, only i'm a female. but i love my dad, he's annoying, talks a lot, loud, embarrassing at times, but he is the most important man in my life.

in late 2000 my dad was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus. a disease that i would call a friendly killer. my uncle, my dad's twin, was diagnosed with that disease, and he lost his battle with DM. i thought, my dad would skate through it. all these years, i didn't take DM seriously. you'll see why i call it a friendly killer.

DM kinda crept up on you. you didn't know it has consumed you, because you felt fine. others than the slightly over-fatigue, the need to drink constantly, the over-sweating, DM didn't look like a disease. my dad has a hearty appetite, he loves sweets! oh god, he loves his cinnamon buns, or when we made kolak pisang (banana cooked with brown sugar and coconut milk) he loves them. and my mom, my sister, and i did not have the heart to tell him not to eat as much.

but now, i think we should've done something, some tough love. if we did, maybe bapak would not be in the position he's in now. three week ago, my bapak was hospitalized, for a heartburn. little did we know, it was his DM getting worse. see boys and girls, DM likes to party, he doesn't come alone, he has all kinds of friends, the lucky friend he brought to party on my bapak was the neuropathy and nephropathy, which was the failure of the nervous system and kidney respectively. at this moment, he doesn't need a dialysis yet, but his kidney is almost on the stage of kidney failure. he no longer has full control of his bowel, that causes constant constipation for him.

i know i've said this to a lot of people, i am ready for my parent's death, i am. i have everything planned in my head, it's a natural thing right, your parents to go before you do. but i know now, that time is approaching, and i'm afraid it's sooner that i've expect it, now i feel like i'm not ready. i still want to share a lot with bapak. i want my kids to watch tv with my bapak, sitting against his large belly. i want my kids to know how annoying my bapak is when he's ranting about anything, i want them to learn stupid songs from him. i want them to be annoyed in a movie with him, as he commented on every single frame, and i want them to get to know him, and love the grumpy old man.

please god, let my bapak be well, i want him to see my kids, i want him to be able to run around with them, to play around with them. i want him to see me well. i want him to see me be successful, as a mom and as a working mother. please cure my bapak, let him share the best years of our lives.

dear bapak, i know i haven't been a good daughter for you, but i'm trying, and i hope you can see me in my best hour. i love you bapak, please be well, and please be well soon.

Saturday, April 9, 2011


it's funny
how the answer was there all along
yet it was hidden ever so carefully
you couldn't see it

it's funny
how long it took me
to realize
you've been there all along

after every heartache
after every mistakes
in every void
there was you

you're the one that fills me
you're the one that picks me up
the one that tells me, to walk on

i just hope i'm not too late now