My favorite song from the musical Six is "Get Down". It is the anthem of Anna of Cleves, one of Henry the VIII wives who was divorced (or rather her marriage to him was annulled) because she didn't look like her portrait. She is the pioneer of filter selfies 😜. I love that song because it's so up in your face suck it. Like other favorite song of mine, "The Man" by Taylor Swift.
I pride myself for being a strong woman. I even define myself as such, for god sake, I used to call myself the Wicked Witch of the West, because I identified as Elphaba. Are you seeing the theme here? I am strong, I can do anything, I don't really need any crutch. I can stand on my own.
Oh what a naive thing to believe.
I started the year doing what I've been dreaming of since I was sixteen. I am finally starting my PhD. It is a long time coming. Me and my two braincells finally managed to gather enough willpower to get a scholarship and landed a PhD position. My research is something really cool by the way (it is fun and something that I really believe in). So who could ask for anything more?
Since I have prepared this for about almost 2/3rd of my life so I figure, I could handle everything life is going to throw at me right? After all, I am in that age where I know who I am. I know what I can handle, and I know how to manage my stress.
Oh so I thought.
As it turns out, it wasn't so. Lo and behold, I had an episode of depression. Part of it is because I was homesick and maybe the hue in this country did not help. Other part is because I doubted myself, because I have been informed that I was a hostile person.
Don't get me wrong, I have never thought myself as an approachable person. Please, my whole image is based on, "Do not engage, not for the fainted heart." And I always thought that once a person can get pass it and found that I am not as bitchy as my smirk suggested me to be, they'll know that I am the person they can call early in the morning to burry a body, if ever needed. At the least, I would be that person who drive you to the airport at 3 o'clock in the morning once you are in my list (friendship list that is, not a kill list... oh I have one of those too, I am petty... that would be another post anywaaaaaaaaaaaay....).
It really messed me up that someone that I thought had understood and accepted me thinks that I am this vile character. Not that I have the need of being liked by everyone, but the thought that I made them uncomfortable was killing me. It got in my head so much, I became self loathing and questioned every interactions I have with other people.
The wall was up... again.
It took a while for me to find my self worth again. To know that I am a good person, I am a good friend, I am not this ugly character that I made to believe I was.
I was just operating in different vibe with this particular person, and it does not mean I am a bad person. But it takes a while to get there. And that feeling was one of the worst feeling in the world. I just saw a person with anxiety, and I think what I had at that time was that. I can't sleep well, I can't keep anything down, I eat just enough to keep me standing. I was on survival mode. I was even putting up walls for new people in my life.
This went on for a while and no one really noticed. Beside for the fact that I still have enough energy to keep up a poker face, I was in a new place. No one really knew me enough to know who I was without this depression. Which made the whole episode worse. I didn't really have the support system I usually have at home and no one knew me well enough to drag me out of it. So I was there for a while. I isolate myself from people, I would stay in my room for a whole day, and try to work with any energy I have left. My sole consolation was that I could go home once I got through the classes I've signed up.
It wasn't until one day, someone did notice. A simple gesture, a bare minimum really. But it was enough for me to realize, that the mask was a bit askew. Because they saw through this veil of normalcy I so desperately put up. It was that time I decided to maybe don't put up the wall so much. And maybe, shift my focus. Because some people could accept me for the broken, salty, snarky, witch that I was.
The right people would stay.
The right people would laugh.
The right people would embrace the weird.
The right people would indulge my personality, a personification of salt and vinegar.
An acquired taste.
Though it has been humbling, to be called out rude, snarky, and cold (which I kind of embrace it now). I know for the right people, I am warm, kind, and attentive. Yes I do have this dark side of me, yes sarcasm is my first language, yes sometimes I am too mean to people I care the most. But, the right people know, I would come, rain or shine, to burry a body with you, TP-ed your enemy's house, take you to the hospital, cook you a meal when you're sick, and yes even drive you to the airport, or pick you up in the airport with a weird sign that is part of our inside joke.
So what I take from this year is, I am still growing, even if I am beyond the age of growth (my body is literally going downhill). One of my favorite lyrics from this year is, "Healthy things grow, and growing things change." Moreover, I know that I am loved, I am worthy of love, I am good, and I am enough. So thank you 2024. It has been a year of growth.
I am looking forward to keep growing in the coming years. Looking forward for adding a title next to my name. Looking forward for all the new things I want to experience in life.
