a letter to no one

Dear No one,

Before anything, I am going to let you know, that this will be the last time I am regarding you in any way. Because after this, I want you to move on, and if you love me, like you claim you do, then you will respect my wish.

I know you’re looking for answers in why I can’t let you in my life now. I know you feel that what I did is cold and unfair. But this is how it should be. I just can’t be like I was before, when I was with you.

Yes, I loved you, my God did I loved you. I did everything to save whatever we had before. The truth is, we started in shaky ground, and a completely wrong ground also. I started us with a lie, one that I’m not proud of. Nevertheless I was totally in love with us, the nature of our relationship at that moment. I was ridiculously infatuated by our happy ending, one that will defy all odds, so I fought for it. The thing was, I didn’t know when to stop. I kept fighting and fighting for it. I’ve used up all my energy, love and devotion, on just fighting for an idea. An idea I have in my head, of us being happy. In the process of the fighting, I have lost me.

Needless to say, I lost the fight. So I knew my place, and I knew my strength. I gave up. I gave up the idea of us, I gave up every dream I have of us, and I gave up that person who used to be with you. It was really hard to let go, and the process, was not quick. But I went through it. I have moved on.

Now you see, I have thrown away everything that has us in it. Letting that go, was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But strangely, once I let that go, I was completely at peace. I can face myself in the mirror again and see myself as me, not a total failure like the moment you left me. So I hope you do understand, it took all my willpower to let go of that, so it’s not that I can’t go back to that place again, I don’t want to go back to that place.

You’ve asked me, why can’t I put you in my life, why can’t we be friends, just friends. The answer is, we just can’t. I can’t be your friend, nor that I want to. And I am sure, you cannot be ‘just a friend”.

Another reason that I don’t want you in my life is that, I am fine and a much better person without you in it. So I really would like to keep my life that way, without you. I know it seems cold and selfish. But I rather be cold and selfish than be a hypocrite. This is not about revenge, or about me punishing you for walking out on me. I have forgiven you for that, and I understand your actions at that time. But when you came back, you can’t expect everything will be the same, and I will be greeting you with open arms, things changed, I’ve changed.

Like I said, I have let you go, and I can’t let you came back in, for the simple fact that, I just can’t.

I do thank you for everything you have given me. All the things that you did to me, good and bad, made me the strong woman that I am today.

So, again, if you love me, like you claim you do, please leave me be. Do not text me, do not try to locate me, or try to see what I am up to. And if you love me, like you claim to be, please respect my wishes. I wish for now on we will be stranger, like we never knew each other. Should our path crosses someday, I hope you will turn away, as I will do the same. Because after this, let me assure you, I will not regard you in any way.

I hope you have a good life.

All the best,

me

early july random thoughts

i recently (not really that recent though) moved out of the house, and live in my own place. at first it's kinda weird, having this big space on my own, but i got used to it. i haven't really finish straightening up the place yet, but it's coming around.

having a house is huge deal, i mean, now i gotta do my own grocery, pay the electricity and my cable bills. i have to cook for myself, or else i starve :p

the thing i found out about me was that, when no one there to pick up after me, or to watch my back, i am really independent. lemme tell you, my mom kinda did a good job on raising me to be a neat freak. i mean, i'm nothing compared to her though, but i do like my house clean, and i can't stand clutters... although, judging from my desk at the moment, things are cluttered up. my i like my organized chaos :) but seriously though, i cleaned my own bathroom (without complaining) i tended the garden, i even took care of the plants like my mother did. it's kinda scary...i'm (dare i say it) growing up.

besides the fact that i'm more like my mom than i would like to admit, what's interesting for me was that the first space of the house that i got done. it was the kitchen. i mean for me, the kitchen is always the focal point of the place i live in. maybe it's my passion of cooking (mind you i'm nothing near a masterchef, but i can whip up an amazing dish). even when kresh came by the house, the first place he went to is the kitchen. kitchen and dining area is the place that i hold dear in a house. i don't care about any other appliances, but my kitchen has to have the best fridge and stove :)

the last room i got done, believe me or not, is my office :p (figures huh) i mean, it was supposed to be the living room (not family room, it's the room we used to greet guests... what would you call that...) but i don't really entertain people much, so i transformed it to be my office. i kinda like the space, i need to pimp it up a little, i mean, i have nothing on my walls yet... but i'll come around to it... *god knows when*

talking about things on the walls, i don't really have anything on my walls yet... i mean i have all these paintings i bought from my last trip, but i dunno, i was never the hanging thing kind... i have to start to hang some stuff though, so this place looks more 'homey'.

i have yet to have my house warming though, it's coming soon, i think i'm going to have it in the month of ramadhan... have some friends over, and break some breads... who knows maybe i'm in the mood to whip up something too :)

well... that's all for today... don't forget to save a date during ramadhan, i'll call you up, and we'll have big dinner at my house, and i also can't wait to have a barbeque in my backyard (i'm still working on my garden, i can hire a landscapist, but it will not be as satisfying :p) so come over to my house, if you're in the neighborhood :)

ps: pictures coming soon :)

a pledge

it bothers me so much, that it's so hard to get local folktales in the bookstore. but hey, i might have a chunk of responsibility in that. i mean, when i went to a bookstore to pick up some books, i usually took those blockbuster books, not the local books...

so now, i'm taking the pledge, no... i'm not going to the extreme by not buying those great books by michael scott or rick riordan... i'm taking a pledge on balancing my collection of local books and other books :)

so the local stories will still be alive and passed on

now it's your turn

you've stood there

with your boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'

but i stay still

my cave still sealed shut

i didn't budge

you've sent love letters

quoting shakespeare and emily dickinson

but i pushed you away

at times i looked over my window

just to find out you're still there

still smiling back at me

and then you disappeared

sometime too long

but somehow

you came back

after all the bitterness i gave you

with dragon bites all over

you came back

yet i remained unmoved

still stubbornly sealing shuts

all entrance to the cave

but now, it's me

who stood out here

outside your house

holding out the boom-box

blasting out 'in your eyes'

it's me

looking at your window

hoping you peer out

so i can give you a smile

because, after all these years

i finally realized

it's you!

it's always you!

but i've been silent too long

and you're tired

but i'm still here

with my boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'

with my own words

saying how do i love thee

hoping that you'll take a chance with me

bapak dearest

my dad, is not my best friend. gosh no he's not. i mean, we're like the odd couple. we fight, a lot. part of it, i guess maybe i reminded him of himself. people say i am the mirror image of him, only i'm a female. but i love my dad, he's annoying, talks a lot, loud, embarrassing at times, but he is the most important man in my life.

in late 2000 my dad was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus. a disease that i would call a friendly killer. my uncle, my dad's twin, was diagnosed with that disease, and he lost his battle with DM. i thought, my dad would skate through it. all these years, i didn't take DM seriously. you'll see why i call it a friendly killer.

DM kinda crept up on you. you didn't know it has consumed you, because you felt fine. others than the slightly over-fatigue, the need to drink constantly, the over-sweating, DM didn't look like a disease. my dad has a hearty appetite, he loves sweets! oh god, he loves his cinnamon buns, or when we made kolak pisang (banana cooked with brown sugar and coconut milk) he loves them. and my mom, my sister, and i did not have the heart to tell him not to eat as much.

but now, i think we should've done something, some tough love. if we did, maybe bapak would not be in the position he's in now. three week ago, my bapak was hospitalized, for a heartburn. little did we know, it was his DM getting worse. see boys and girls, DM likes to party, he doesn't come alone, he has all kinds of friends, the lucky friend he brought to party on my bapak was the neuropathy and nephropathy, which was the failure of the nervous system and kidney respectively. at this moment, he doesn't need a dialysis yet, but his kidney is almost on the stage of kidney failure. he no longer has full control of his bowel, that causes constant constipation for him.

i know i've said this to a lot of people, i am ready for my parent's death, i am. i have everything planned in my head, it's a natural thing right, your parents to go before you do. but i know now, that time is approaching, and i'm afraid it's sooner that i've expect it, now i feel like i'm not ready. i still want to share a lot with bapak. i want my kids to watch tv with my bapak, sitting against his large belly. i want my kids to know how annoying my bapak is when he's ranting about anything, i want them to learn stupid songs from him. i want them to be annoyed in a movie with him, as he commented on every single frame, and i want them to get to know him, and love the grumpy old man.

please god, let my bapak be well, i want him to see my kids, i want him to be able to run around with them, to play around with them. i want him to see me well. i want him to see me be successful, as a mom and as a working mother. please cure my bapak, let him share the best years of our lives.

dear bapak, i know i haven't been a good daughter for you, but i'm trying, and i hope you can see me in my best hour. i love you bapak, please be well, and please be well soon.

awakened

it's funny

how the answer was there all along

yet it was hidden ever so carefully

you couldn't see it

it's funny

how long it took me

to realize

you've been there all along

after every heartache

after every mistakes

in every void

there was you

you're the one that fills me

you're the one that picks me up

the one that tells me, to walk on

i just hope i'm not too late now

getting lost in the crowd

that's the thing i long most. to blend in the crowd. but for me, in a way it seems to be hard to do. i naturally stood out. and it's like a gift and a curse at the same time.

among my family, i was always that person who always had stupid interesting stories about her day (during childhood) i had the attention of the crowd without trying, my older cousins picked on me for no apparent reason beside the fact that i was just an easy target.

when i moved to the states, i faded into the crowd, no one seems to notice me, well except the esl children. but go back to my regular high school mates and ask them whether they remember me at all, they would say no. somehow, it feels nice to be a wallflower. i didn't appreciate it when i was in high school, but now i long for that day when i could just get lost in the crowd without being recognized. it's easy to capture human emotion that way when people hardly notice you.

one of my friend told me, that my body language is not inviting, and that was the cause that never landed me a one night stand :) at the moment, i can't figure out why did that. now i know, all these years, i've practiced the art of staying low, i guess i kinda clashed with the art of leave me the hell alone :) and as a person who loves to capture human emotion, i trained myself to be invisible, i trained myself too well...

but you know what, from a person who always stood out in the crowd, i kinda look for a place where i am just another flower on the wall, because i love being there