a confession

last night, i spent my night with couple of my college friends, i kinda needed it. went out to karaoke night, where i (tried to) belt out nicki minaj's 'super bass'. anyway, one of the friend kinda have the same profile as i. in our late twenties and not in a rush to settle down. part of it because we had our 'serious' relationship when we were in college. we spent a good 7 years with a guy we later broke up with. and after that long relationship, we've been having trouble with dating in general. whether it's dating an unavailable guy, or for me is the series of assholes i've dated :)

anyway... for the first time that night, i've been able to say it out loud. i hate to be a person who has regrets, but i do have regrets. i regretted that i didn't break up with my first boyfriend sooner. i was so afraid no one would ever want me after him, i'm sticking with him for 7 years. i knew in year 2 that it will never work out. but i was so infatuated with perfection, and being a one-man-woman (uh huh... don't judge me, i was very young). i regretted that i spent my college years with just one guy, and very much regretted that i missed out in my youth. i didn't have college experiences (getting drunk, threesome, coming home in the wee hour in the morning, party 'till dawn, smoke weed, or the positive things, being exchange student, going around the world, travel). i didn't have those experiences, because i was settling with the guy i was with. he was a simple man, think that traveling is a waste of time, going to concerts and parties are waste of money, so i settle. i obeyed. i became domesticated. i even dreamed about being a wife who took care of her husband, have his clothes laid out in the morning, make his morning coffee the whole nine miles.

i know right?!

so i regretted that i missed out on lots of things. that's one thing i wish i can re-do. i want to go back to my sophomore year and just make a clean break. and experience life! but i guess without that experience, i won't become the person that i am right now, i have one less mistake, but lots to gain.

well, enough with the land of what-ifs. but just so you know, i do hate myself for this, but i have regret. that is not ending relationships when i should have.

All for one...

therefore we fall...

i'm sorry, another bad pun. but that's what i felt when i was watching the newest installment of alexander dumas' "the three musketeers". no, i did not read any of the reviews when i went and see this movie, so totally virgin... other than the fact that i know the cute percy jackson, logan lerman is going to be d'artangan and mr. d'arcy, matthew macfayden is going to be athos. i have no expectation other than how this movie is going to live up to the 1993 version that i love so much.

well... i don't know, all i got was...meh

chris o'donnell's d'artangan was...legendary for me at least. i mean, he's witty, sarcastic, and the level of cockiness was just right. logan lerman's d'artangan had cocky written all over it. well he's a bit funny, sarcastically, but for me, it's over-cocky... i know, i have high expectation for d'artangan... he's one of my favorite heroes.

the story line was edgy...to say the least. i mean, flying ships...come on. i know, maybe i'm a classic girl, i demanded a classic rendition of the movie. so when it comes to the edgy stuff, i'm on the fence. i mean the flying ships thing no no... but the flamboyant king and duke that's when i high-five the writers. king louis stole the movie for me. i love him! it's a new side of the king to explore. we know how ridiculous the royals those days...and he got it spot on for me.

by the by, god bless CGI huh? now the cost of the production could be lower because of that. you don't have to travel around the world, or let bad weather slows your production. all you have to do is think up of a scenery, and bam! right out of your green screen. but it is beautiful nonetheless. and i love the musketeer's house. one more lovable character, is the servant planchet. i want to pinch him all through the movie... he's like...baby huey, sans the clumsiness and accident prone.

another surprise was... wait for it... it'll be another franchise like the pirates of the caribbean. because the ending was a cliffhanger, and REALLY opens up for a sequel... so i guess we'll be seeing a lot more logan with his extension huh?

the latter was a mistake to read it online before i watched the movie, because half of the time i was paying attention to his hair and looking for clues for the extension (dude, if it shows on the movies they probably have edited it, duh! it's 2011 for godsake).

anyway... it was a great entertainment, but sadly for me, those spectacular effects, the edgy story line, not really buying it. still i love the 1993 film.

but there is the dialogue that i like between d'artangan and constance:

constance : are you always this cocky

d'artangan : only on tuesdays and when there is a really beautiful woman around (i don't remember the verbatim, but you got the idea)

constance : so i'm a beautiful woman

d'artangan : no, it's tuesday

:)

how do you know....

that is the million dollar question in a relationship. how do you know that the person you're with is the one. i mean, tens of thousand theories, and all proven to be just bliss... but one theory still stands, you know he/she is the one is when that person makes you a better person.

i'm not bs-ing... i've seen it in real life (we're beginning to sound like a tagline now :p) but seriously. i've seen it myself, on my dearest cousin. see, i don't have a big brother, and for some reason, i see my cousin, mas oi, as a big brother i never have. no, we're not really that close, but for some reason, his presence, in a hostile environment, or in tough situation, makes me feel safe. anyway, he is one of the few other species in my family. see, in my extended family, we got two species, loud and louder, and the others.... well he's the others. and he rarely blend in with us, he usually passed on our shindig, because i guess we're too loud for him :)

but lately, something changed. mas oi has a girlfriend!! i mean, he had girlfriends before, but this one is different, and i know it. i mean, i noticed the changes on him, he probably doesn't know this (now he knows, if he reads this entry) that i always pay attention to everything he does. well, lately, he became approachable. for me at least, i mean, our relationship has always been 'formal' but lately we talked, small talks, not only things we need to talk about. and one thing that was surprising for me too, he came to our annual gathering after eid!! see, we the kids have this annual gathering thing every year after eid, that would be the only time we're like in complete formation. so me and my cousins all gather in a place, and just hang. best time ever for me, but because mas oi was not really into it, he usually didn't go. but this year, he went, and he came with his girlfriend, mbak novi. he was different, and i'm not the only one who notice, my baby cousin rara did too. he had this glow in his face, he looked happy, he still looks happy right now.

see, the one would change you, in a good way, the way mbak novi changes mas oi. so how do you know if he/she is the one... he/she will change you, in a good way. he/she makes you a better person, not only for each other, but for other people surrounding you guys.

so i'm waiting, for that person, who will make me a better person, for everyone. i know he's out there, we just haven't run into each other yet :)

the reunion in neighborhoods

the day has arrived... my copy of "neighborhoods" is here!!! i am excited as a 16 year old going to the prom with her high school crush. i can't wait to listen to it, the band that i look up to ever since... i can't remember.

yes i have an eclectic taste in music. there is no other shelf where you can find backstreet boys, n'sync and westlife next to foo fighters, koRn, pearl jam and blink 182. sue me.

anyway, i fell in love with mark, tom and travis when i saw their "what's my age again" video clip. i was hooked to the song, and i think what they did in the video was balsy (pun intended) and everything started form that. i know, for all of you older blink fans, you'd probably say i caught them in the mainstream, yeah i'm the late bloomer. but i can't get myself away from blink. after 'what's my age again' i bought the copy of "enema of the state" and vowed if i ever make a band, it'll be modeled after blink 182.

the band thing never happened :) but i stuck with what i can do best, listened to music and catch the hits :p

for neighborhoods, it's like the moment i've been waiting for ever since their announcement to reunite in 2009. as soon as the copy arrived, couldn't stop jumping up and down (literally) and started cranking right away.

well, this is not the blink i knew in 1999, the lyrics is as far away from "wendy clear" or "mutt" as possible. the mood is darker, i bet no more running around naked for mark, travis and tom. or let alone a cover that features the infamous janine lindenmulder. it's like listening to a different band. not a band who grew up, but a different band.

i mean in the famous 'untitled' album (i like this take better than 'self-titled') you can still hear the old blink from some of the lyrics in some of the songs like 'violence' or 'easy target' or 'feeling this'. but this album is a complete departure from the 'old blink' so to speak.

not that i hate it (unlike the other band that i religiously listened to back then who changed their direction completely, their name rhymes with 'blinkin' bark') blink's departure actually acceptable for me. it's like they're growing up with their fans, so to speak. their lyrics capture the complication of adulthood and not about their ever growing manhood anymore (okay bad pun, i'm sorry).

anyway, even though i feel a little disappointed on the side, because sound wise, i hear no blink at all, i mean what i hear was blankva racer +44 (shoot me for these bad puns) but i think i'm learning to love this new band. the 'snake charmer' is one of my favorite. it got this verse 'cause good girl they like to sin' can be one of my collectible best-one-liner. and 'kaleidoscope' is one of my favorite, is one of the few song where mark is the lead singer, what can i say, i love that man better :p sound wise, it's a bit confusing for me, the intros are like too much foreplay before sex. i mean, just get it on already (but i guess that's the not musician side of me). but lyric wise, i bow down to the men... i mean they're just beautiful from 'ghost on the dance floor' to 'even if she falls'.

so, i guess "neighborhoods" is like seeing stiffler or michael kelso becomes an attorney, full suit and all, and suddenly quoting smart stuff. i know, trippy right? but it's not bad, not bad at all, i mean stiffler...er...blink is growing up and going to a positive adult direction (as some of his fans should have) so i just need sometime to get used to. they're still blink in my heart, not naked and singing about erection anymore, but they're still blink, the album still rocks...i just need to get used to the serious adult side of them.

away

sitting here

in a strange place

strange bars

strange lighting

a departure from my corner of the world

i feel... strange

in your world i feel lost

i feel...indifferent

i want to like it

i want to belong

but i long, for the comfort smiles

the faces that i know

my little corner

the one that i call home

memory of a friend...

I was sitting here watching TV with the latest hit show on the planet. Suddenly I remembered a friend who had passed. She was my college classmate, passed away on July 2006, only 24 years old. I outlived her by 5 years now.

I remember hearing the news for the first time, in the early morning hours, and I have to read the text 3 times before letting it sink in. I called about 4 people to confirm what had happened. My friend, died.

She was not my close friend. So I didn’t feel so crushed when she passed (please don’t judge me, it’s just how I feel). But I did feel sad for her. She still had so many things to do. She still hadn’t finished her Final Paper for graduation. She never knew how it feels sitting in that hot Balairung, listening to Gadeamus Igitur by the freshmen, taking cheesy picture in front of cheesy backdrop. She never knew Britney shaved her bald, or there is a show called Glee that is addictive. She never knew Facebook or Twitter, or caught on the smartphone crazed. She never knew there is this ridiculous phenomenon in Indonesia called Syahrini, who uttered out stupid catchy phrases. The bimbo that everyone loves to hate. She never knew that Irfan Bachdim joined the Indonesian National Team and became their cover boy.

But most importantly, she never got to see her son grow up. She never got to teach her son to read, or to tie his shoes. She never got to go to her son first day of school.

There are so many things they missed when they passed young. And sometimes I found myself asking, why them not me. Why do I have the chance to outlive these people. Because if I go back, and see their lives, they had lived it…and still had more too offer.

Well… I guess it’s time for me, once again to count my blessings, and live my life to the fullest.

Dear Yulan, you are missed, but I know they’re taking care of you, you had such a pure soul.

linger

when i close my eyes i see you

you're everywhere surrounding me

in my dreams, in my mind, in every bit of my existence

when i close my eyes you're here

with your smile and that gleam in your eyes

the one that i love so much

and reality rushed in

the fact slapped me in the face

you're not real

you're gone

you're always perfect to me

because i never allowed you in my reality

you only exist in memory

that's why you're always perfect

my imagination kept you beautiful

kept you immortal

i kept hanging on to you

the only perfection i've ever wanted

a letter to no one

Dear No one,

Before anything, I am going to let you know, that this will be the last time I am regarding you in any way. Because after this, I want you to move on, and if you love me, like you claim you do, then you will respect my wish.

I know you’re looking for answers in why I can’t let you in my life now. I know you feel that what I did is cold and unfair. But this is how it should be. I just can’t be like I was before, when I was with you.

Yes, I loved you, my God did I loved you. I did everything to save whatever we had before. The truth is, we started in shaky ground, and a completely wrong ground also. I started us with a lie, one that I’m not proud of. Nevertheless I was totally in love with us, the nature of our relationship at that moment. I was ridiculously infatuated by our happy ending, one that will defy all odds, so I fought for it. The thing was, I didn’t know when to stop. I kept fighting and fighting for it. I’ve used up all my energy, love and devotion, on just fighting for an idea. An idea I have in my head, of us being happy. In the process of the fighting, I have lost me.

Needless to say, I lost the fight. So I knew my place, and I knew my strength. I gave up. I gave up the idea of us, I gave up every dream I have of us, and I gave up that person who used to be with you. It was really hard to let go, and the process, was not quick. But I went through it. I have moved on.

Now you see, I have thrown away everything that has us in it. Letting that go, was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But strangely, once I let that go, I was completely at peace. I can face myself in the mirror again and see myself as me, not a total failure like the moment you left me. So I hope you do understand, it took all my willpower to let go of that, so it’s not that I can’t go back to that place again, I don’t want to go back to that place.

You’ve asked me, why can’t I put you in my life, why can’t we be friends, just friends. The answer is, we just can’t. I can’t be your friend, nor that I want to. And I am sure, you cannot be ‘just a friend”.

Another reason that I don’t want you in my life is that, I am fine and a much better person without you in it. So I really would like to keep my life that way, without you. I know it seems cold and selfish. But I rather be cold and selfish than be a hypocrite. This is not about revenge, or about me punishing you for walking out on me. I have forgiven you for that, and I understand your actions at that time. But when you came back, you can’t expect everything will be the same, and I will be greeting you with open arms, things changed, I’ve changed.

Like I said, I have let you go, and I can’t let you came back in, for the simple fact that, I just can’t.

I do thank you for everything you have given me. All the things that you did to me, good and bad, made me the strong woman that I am today.

So, again, if you love me, like you claim you do, please leave me be. Do not text me, do not try to locate me, or try to see what I am up to. And if you love me, like you claim to be, please respect my wishes. I wish for now on we will be stranger, like we never knew each other. Should our path crosses someday, I hope you will turn away, as I will do the same. Because after this, let me assure you, I will not regard you in any way.

I hope you have a good life.

All the best,

me

early july random thoughts

i recently (not really that recent though) moved out of the house, and live in my own place. at first it's kinda weird, having this big space on my own, but i got used to it. i haven't really finish straightening up the place yet, but it's coming around.

having a house is huge deal, i mean, now i gotta do my own grocery, pay the electricity and my cable bills. i have to cook for myself, or else i starve :p

the thing i found out about me was that, when no one there to pick up after me, or to watch my back, i am really independent. lemme tell you, my mom kinda did a good job on raising me to be a neat freak. i mean, i'm nothing compared to her though, but i do like my house clean, and i can't stand clutters... although, judging from my desk at the moment, things are cluttered up. my i like my organized chaos :) but seriously though, i cleaned my own bathroom (without complaining) i tended the garden, i even took care of the plants like my mother did. it's kinda scary...i'm (dare i say it) growing up.

besides the fact that i'm more like my mom than i would like to admit, what's interesting for me was that the first space of the house that i got done. it was the kitchen. i mean for me, the kitchen is always the focal point of the place i live in. maybe it's my passion of cooking (mind you i'm nothing near a masterchef, but i can whip up an amazing dish). even when kresh came by the house, the first place he went to is the kitchen. kitchen and dining area is the place that i hold dear in a house. i don't care about any other appliances, but my kitchen has to have the best fridge and stove :)

the last room i got done, believe me or not, is my office :p (figures huh) i mean, it was supposed to be the living room (not family room, it's the room we used to greet guests... what would you call that...) but i don't really entertain people much, so i transformed it to be my office. i kinda like the space, i need to pimp it up a little, i mean, i have nothing on my walls yet... but i'll come around to it... *god knows when*

talking about things on the walls, i don't really have anything on my walls yet... i mean i have all these paintings i bought from my last trip, but i dunno, i was never the hanging thing kind... i have to start to hang some stuff though, so this place looks more 'homey'.

i have yet to have my house warming though, it's coming soon, i think i'm going to have it in the month of ramadhan... have some friends over, and break some breads... who knows maybe i'm in the mood to whip up something too :)

well... that's all for today... don't forget to save a date during ramadhan, i'll call you up, and we'll have big dinner at my house, and i also can't wait to have a barbeque in my backyard (i'm still working on my garden, i can hire a landscapist, but it will not be as satisfying :p) so come over to my house, if you're in the neighborhood :)

ps: pictures coming soon :)

a pledge

it bothers me so much, that it's so hard to get local folktales in the bookstore. but hey, i might have a chunk of responsibility in that. i mean, when i went to a bookstore to pick up some books, i usually took those blockbuster books, not the local books...

so now, i'm taking the pledge, no... i'm not going to the extreme by not buying those great books by michael scott or rick riordan... i'm taking a pledge on balancing my collection of local books and other books :)

so the local stories will still be alive and passed on

now it's your turn

you've stood there

with your boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'

but i stay still

my cave still sealed shut

i didn't budge

you've sent love letters

quoting shakespeare and emily dickinson

but i pushed you away

at times i looked over my window

just to find out you're still there

still smiling back at me

and then you disappeared

sometime too long

but somehow

you came back

after all the bitterness i gave you

with dragon bites all over

you came back

yet i remained unmoved

still stubbornly sealing shuts

all entrance to the cave

but now, it's me

who stood out here

outside your house

holding out the boom-box

blasting out 'in your eyes'

it's me

looking at your window

hoping you peer out

so i can give you a smile

because, after all these years

i finally realized

it's you!

it's always you!

but i've been silent too long

and you're tired

but i'm still here

with my boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'

with my own words

saying how do i love thee

hoping that you'll take a chance with me

bapak dearest

my dad, is not my best friend. gosh no he's not. i mean, we're like the odd couple. we fight, a lot. part of it, i guess maybe i reminded him of himself. people say i am the mirror image of him, only i'm a female. but i love my dad, he's annoying, talks a lot, loud, embarrassing at times, but he is the most important man in my life.

in late 2000 my dad was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus. a disease that i would call a friendly killer. my uncle, my dad's twin, was diagnosed with that disease, and he lost his battle with DM. i thought, my dad would skate through it. all these years, i didn't take DM seriously. you'll see why i call it a friendly killer.

DM kinda crept up on you. you didn't know it has consumed you, because you felt fine. others than the slightly over-fatigue, the need to drink constantly, the over-sweating, DM didn't look like a disease. my dad has a hearty appetite, he loves sweets! oh god, he loves his cinnamon buns, or when we made kolak pisang (banana cooked with brown sugar and coconut milk) he loves them. and my mom, my sister, and i did not have the heart to tell him not to eat as much.

but now, i think we should've done something, some tough love. if we did, maybe bapak would not be in the position he's in now. three week ago, my bapak was hospitalized, for a heartburn. little did we know, it was his DM getting worse. see boys and girls, DM likes to party, he doesn't come alone, he has all kinds of friends, the lucky friend he brought to party on my bapak was the neuropathy and nephropathy, which was the failure of the nervous system and kidney respectively. at this moment, he doesn't need a dialysis yet, but his kidney is almost on the stage of kidney failure. he no longer has full control of his bowel, that causes constant constipation for him.

i know i've said this to a lot of people, i am ready for my parent's death, i am. i have everything planned in my head, it's a natural thing right, your parents to go before you do. but i know now, that time is approaching, and i'm afraid it's sooner that i've expect it, now i feel like i'm not ready. i still want to share a lot with bapak. i want my kids to watch tv with my bapak, sitting against his large belly. i want my kids to know how annoying my bapak is when he's ranting about anything, i want them to learn stupid songs from him. i want them to be annoyed in a movie with him, as he commented on every single frame, and i want them to get to know him, and love the grumpy old man.

please god, let my bapak be well, i want him to see my kids, i want him to be able to run around with them, to play around with them. i want him to see me well. i want him to see me be successful, as a mom and as a working mother. please cure my bapak, let him share the best years of our lives.

dear bapak, i know i haven't been a good daughter for you, but i'm trying, and i hope you can see me in my best hour. i love you bapak, please be well, and please be well soon.

awakened

it's funny

how the answer was there all along

yet it was hidden ever so carefully

you couldn't see it

it's funny

how long it took me

to realize

you've been there all along

after every heartache

after every mistakes

in every void

there was you

you're the one that fills me

you're the one that picks me up

the one that tells me, to walk on

i just hope i'm not too late now

getting lost in the crowd

that's the thing i long most. to blend in the crowd. but for me, in a way it seems to be hard to do. i naturally stood out. and it's like a gift and a curse at the same time.

among my family, i was always that person who always had stupid interesting stories about her day (during childhood) i had the attention of the crowd without trying, my older cousins picked on me for no apparent reason beside the fact that i was just an easy target.

when i moved to the states, i faded into the crowd, no one seems to notice me, well except the esl children. but go back to my regular high school mates and ask them whether they remember me at all, they would say no. somehow, it feels nice to be a wallflower. i didn't appreciate it when i was in high school, but now i long for that day when i could just get lost in the crowd without being recognized. it's easy to capture human emotion that way when people hardly notice you.

one of my friend told me, that my body language is not inviting, and that was the cause that never landed me a one night stand :) at the moment, i can't figure out why did that. now i know, all these years, i've practiced the art of staying low, i guess i kinda clashed with the art of leave me the hell alone :) and as a person who loves to capture human emotion, i trained myself to be invisible, i trained myself too well...

but you know what, from a person who always stood out in the crowd, i kinda look for a place where i am just another flower on the wall, because i love being there

beautiful homecoming

i always love bangkok, i always say it's my 3rd home :)

so when i went back there, the first thing i always said when the plane touches down "i'm home". and this time, i'm back to bangkok, visiting lovely friends @ spafa for another exciting adventure in the form of 4-day conference.

i haven't seen any of my spafa friends since that fateful time when the airport closed at the end of november - early december in 2009. so this feelslike reuniting with old friends that became my family fora week i was in bangkok 2 years ago.and this timei was not alone, i was accompanied with a dear friend of mine for more than 10 years, topang (that's the name i called him by and it'll always be the name i'd call him by andyes we're that old) so i know it would be a good time.

on our first day, it was "hi, hello, how are you" day for me and lots of hugs from familiar faces!!!! it was go great to be back among friends, and i was glad that everyone were great. and it's really great to hear kevin's signature laugh again :)

i was a bit confused for the dress code, because i went to a spafa workshop where we're all on our most comfortable outfits. i was on converse all week long,and then i'vebeen to spafa's conference where i was wearing heels and acted all professional :) and this was a conference, but it's for youth. so itried to meet halfway, i packed my dresses, bitch shoes and flats, and abandoned my converse :) turns out it was a mistake for me to abandoned my beloved converse, because kevin told us we candress down. but hey i'm still wearing the bitch shoes for my presentation!!! *hell yeah*

the conference itself delivered everything i remembered about spafa's events, learning and fun!!! i mean, of course the 5-day affair in chiang mai is still one ofthe best time in my life, this conference, kind of gave me glimpses of the memories :)

on the first day, in addition of having cool presentations on howto communicate the dangers of climate change through arts, we had theater workshop at the end of the day. we had to map out our country's problem in the sense of climatechangewith all therecyclables that they provided us. for that afternoon, i've becamecambodian, since there was only one participant from cambodia, and a surprising number of participant from indonesia (i think it also reflected that indonesia is the most populated country in southeast asia :p)

the surprise of the afternoon for me is that one participant, yahya, who came out of nowhere started acting all funny, and blew me and topang away. all in all it was a fun afternoon that day, and i learned so much!!! and it's true, another man's trash is the next man's art project :)

one thing i learned in this trip, me and topang are old and responsible :) if i was two years younger, i would just be out all of the nights, but i had my presentation the next morning, so topang and i collectively opted to stay in for the night, just went out to grab some dinner thenwork on our presentation, topang's presentation is still on wednesday.

the workshops were lots of fun! and i always love ajan (i hope i got the spelling right) wajuppa's session. i was really waiting for the little cricket story though, didn't happen this time :( but hey, we got lots of new stories.

meeting ajan wajuppa made want to pursue the path of cultural studies again, although i know it would be useless in my path of work at the moment, so it made me want to change jobs... *i should've taken the woman studies master program thing omajig*

all in all, the workshop is about fun learning, taking the whole meaning of 'presentation' in another way. not sticking to power point (power boring), and meeting new friends!! meeting young people who are making such a great achievements, made me feel guilty about myself. where was i when i was their age (if you knew the answer, don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question!!! :p) but seeing their accomplishments and where they've been made me realize that i really have to sprint to get where they're at now. maybe by the time they're my age, they've already finished with their doctorate (the thing i have been dreaming for when i was 16, getting my doctorate before 30...) so i really need to run, i need to make my mark, i have to do something, set my name in stone and be someone :)

thank you friends, for a wonderful week, and i hope the relationship we've built for the short time, can last a lifetime!!