an answer to your why

it's not right

when i don't feel anything

i should feel something

it's not right

when i can still breathe

when my breath should be taken away

it's not right

when my knees didn't buckle

and i'm standing still

my heart didn't skip a beat

my spine didn't shiver

my hands hardly trembled

it's not right

when i treated you like an ex-boyfriend

when it's only the beginning

-and that's why i left-

the madonna glee...

omigod it's so great!!

i got goosebumps seeing 'like a prayer'

the best!

and i still don't get rachel, how can she did not see finn and that he's trying... ow well aren't i a little too old for this though :D

and my favorite line from brittany "mr shue, is he your son?"

well, glee's part of my entertainment these days, something that connects me with ninta too :)

so, my hat's off to the glee creators for making a great show that probably will define this generation.

:)

my stand

my tears...

they're not for you

no sir they aren't

they're too precious to be yours

this heart

it's not meant for you

stone cold marble it is

but it's too precious for your keeping

these words

they're aren't yours

hell no

my words are too precious to describe you

this life

is not for sharing

not for you at least

the morning after

i woke up dizzy

might be the drink

might be the meal

might be you...

your touch made me dizzy

you made me forget

a temporary cure

i knew that for sometime now

you came and go as you please

yet i'm still here

not really looking for you

but it's nice when you come along

you left me dizzy

you left me confused

it's the morning after

one thing left to ponder

if i take that leap of faith

are you worth the jump?

a note from underneath

first off i'd like to start this entry with an apology. especially to my future self. because i couldn't commit into this project like i planned to.

i mean, i've got stuff flowing on my head, and wrote down some. even if i didn't have time to sit alone with alice to pour down my thoughts, i wrote it in my trustee notebook these days. but the thing was, i was REALLY lagging behind in terms of expressing myself.

i am disappointed on my lack of enthusiasm, even to write these days. i mean, i should've find time, in any given time of day, to write. just to sit down and write. but it seems to me i've been pondering a lot. but not doing a lot. it kills me that i'd chose sleep over typing down my thoughts that would evaporates as soon as i closed my eyes.

but then again, i'm only a girl who needs her rest. i wanted to be stronger, i imagined myself to be stronger, so i have tons of energy to do all the things i've always wanted to accomplish. but alas... i'm not that strong. i'm working on it though, but i can't promise you much.

but i hope, i wish, i could still continue on the project (though it's lagging behind more than a month now!!!) i'm looking for a day or a time when i can just sit down and fill each day with my already written out thoughts. i mean, i do write (in a sense) everyday. i wrote the draft and outline of the entry. but just never got around to make it a story. i have to now though.

and i'd like to apologized for those who read my thoughts, i'm sorry i'm not that consistent, with that i also want to express my sincere gratitude for you who took your time and read my words. i hope my words can fill your days, give you new perspectives, and make you (somewhat) a changed person...in a good way :)

so with this note, i vow (again) to be a better writer... after all it is my dream job... ever since i could remember i always want to be (some sort of) a writer... whether it is a poet, a journalist, or a scriptwriter. i just want to write, and i want to affect.

and i don't need to be seen... i just want to be heard :)

contact

call me out
i'll be there
just call my name please
no hesitation

don't leave me clues
i might not get
don't leave the trail cold
i'll get upset

just call me out
tell me you need me
tell me you want me
just call me out

feb 26/back to my roots

in yogya i am now...

after 12 hours of grueling train ride, i have arrived in this city. please note that the train ride was not as romantic as i pictured it would be :p. the lumpy seat, uncomfortable positions, thank god i didn't opted for the economy-class :p. by the time we arrived in yogya, i felt half of my ass was either missing or full of rashes (i kinda prefer the first though than the latter... if half of my ass was missing, i'd fit on my skinny jeans again ha!!)

anyway, it's weird that i was really eager to go to yogya. see i am 75% javanese and 25% bantenese (my dad's 100% javanese, my mom is half-and-half 50% javanese and 50% bantenese). but when i was a child, i always resent the fact that i am a javanese. part of it maybe because my aunts and cousin teased me so much about being a javanese, and the other part maybe because my dad's side of the family are not so cool :p

anyway... i was a kid then, you can't hold me against that :) but lately, i've been wanting to go to yogya. i want to go to mbah putri's grave. i miss her a lot. i really kicked myself in the ass for never really took the advantage of having grandparents to the fullest. mbah putri died when i was in 2nd grade, i didn't really have much sense of how lucky i was to have her watch me grow. after mbah putri passed away, i didn't really got in touch with mbah kakung (or i call him mbah tris). partly because he has a new wife, and i resented that so much (maybe influence from my dad, or yeah well, partly i was angry at him too, to the process, don't need to get into details). i had mbah kakung for 15 years after mbah putri's death. i met him only several times. i regret that now. i was really angry at him. i even told my mom i probably do not want him in my wedding. well, i admit i was wrong in my part for being angry so long. by the time i forgave him, our relationship was so estranged, it's difficult to mend it. well, i didn't give it 100% effort too. i did try to visit him, when the mood permits, i remembered my last visit to him. he was surprised to see me and my sister. he would try to remember facts about us. now if i had the chance to talk to him again, one last time, i'd tell him i'm sorry i was angry for so long. and personally, i have forgive him. it's not entirely his fault, he's just a man.

well, getting side-tracked for this entry... :D

anyway, back in yogya, i went around the town, and capturing its beauty. it was crowded, for it was maulid, i wanted to capture the grebeg maulid, but because of the train being late and everything, i didn't get to capture it. ow well, tough luck :)

now, even though my dad's side of the family is still uncool, and i still so liberal you won't believe i'm javanese, but i'm no longer ashamed of that root. call me mbak ayu now, i'm no longer embarrassed, in contrary, i am proud.

i'm javanese, because i am my father's daughter