away

sitting here

in a strange place

strange bars

strange lighting

a departure from my corner of the world

i feel... strange

in your world i feel lost

i feel...indifferent

i want to like it

i want to belong

but i long, for the comfort smiles

the faces that i know

my little corner

the one that i call home

memory of a friend...

I was sitting here watching TV with the latest hit show on the planet. Suddenly I remembered a friend who had passed. She was my college classmate, passed away on July 2006, only 24 years old. I outlived her by 5 years now.

I remember hearing the news for the first time, in the early morning hours, and I have to read the text 3 times before letting it sink in. I called about 4 people to confirm what had happened. My friend, died.

She was not my close friend. So I didn’t feel so crushed when she passed (please don’t judge me, it’s just how I feel). But I did feel sad for her. She still had so many things to do. She still hadn’t finished her Final Paper for graduation. She never knew how it feels sitting in that hot Balairung, listening to Gadeamus Igitur by the freshmen, taking cheesy picture in front of cheesy backdrop. She never knew Britney shaved her bald, or there is a show called Glee that is addictive. She never knew Facebook or Twitter, or caught on the smartphone crazed. She never knew there is this ridiculous phenomenon in Indonesia called Syahrini, who uttered out stupid catchy phrases. The bimbo that everyone loves to hate. She never knew that Irfan Bachdim joined the Indonesian National Team and became their cover boy.

But most importantly, she never got to see her son grow up. She never got to teach her son to read, or to tie his shoes. She never got to go to her son first day of school.

There are so many things they missed when they passed young. And sometimes I found myself asking, why them not me. Why do I have the chance to outlive these people. Because if I go back, and see their lives, they had lived it…and still had more too offer.

Well… I guess it’s time for me, once again to count my blessings, and live my life to the fullest.

Dear Yulan, you are missed, but I know they’re taking care of you, you had such a pure soul.

linger

when i close my eyes i see you

you're everywhere surrounding me

in my dreams, in my mind, in every bit of my existence

when i close my eyes you're here

with your smile and that gleam in your eyes

the one that i love so much

and reality rushed in

the fact slapped me in the face

you're not real

you're gone

you're always perfect to me

because i never allowed you in my reality

you only exist in memory

that's why you're always perfect

my imagination kept you beautiful

kept you immortal

i kept hanging on to you

the only perfection i've ever wanted

a letter to no one

Dear No one,

Before anything, I am going to let you know, that this will be the last time I am regarding you in any way. Because after this, I want you to move on, and if you love me, like you claim you do, then you will respect my wish.

I know you’re looking for answers in why I can’t let you in my life now. I know you feel that what I did is cold and unfair. But this is how it should be. I just can’t be like I was before, when I was with you.

Yes, I loved you, my God did I loved you. I did everything to save whatever we had before. The truth is, we started in shaky ground, and a completely wrong ground also. I started us with a lie, one that I’m not proud of. Nevertheless I was totally in love with us, the nature of our relationship at that moment. I was ridiculously infatuated by our happy ending, one that will defy all odds, so I fought for it. The thing was, I didn’t know when to stop. I kept fighting and fighting for it. I’ve used up all my energy, love and devotion, on just fighting for an idea. An idea I have in my head, of us being happy. In the process of the fighting, I have lost me.

Needless to say, I lost the fight. So I knew my place, and I knew my strength. I gave up. I gave up the idea of us, I gave up every dream I have of us, and I gave up that person who used to be with you. It was really hard to let go, and the process, was not quick. But I went through it. I have moved on.

Now you see, I have thrown away everything that has us in it. Letting that go, was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But strangely, once I let that go, I was completely at peace. I can face myself in the mirror again and see myself as me, not a total failure like the moment you left me. So I hope you do understand, it took all my willpower to let go of that, so it’s not that I can’t go back to that place again, I don’t want to go back to that place.

You’ve asked me, why can’t I put you in my life, why can’t we be friends, just friends. The answer is, we just can’t. I can’t be your friend, nor that I want to. And I am sure, you cannot be ‘just a friend”.

Another reason that I don’t want you in my life is that, I am fine and a much better person without you in it. So I really would like to keep my life that way, without you. I know it seems cold and selfish. But I rather be cold and selfish than be a hypocrite. This is not about revenge, or about me punishing you for walking out on me. I have forgiven you for that, and I understand your actions at that time. But when you came back, you can’t expect everything will be the same, and I will be greeting you with open arms, things changed, I’ve changed.

Like I said, I have let you go, and I can’t let you came back in, for the simple fact that, I just can’t.

I do thank you for everything you have given me. All the things that you did to me, good and bad, made me the strong woman that I am today.

So, again, if you love me, like you claim you do, please leave me be. Do not text me, do not try to locate me, or try to see what I am up to. And if you love me, like you claim to be, please respect my wishes. I wish for now on we will be stranger, like we never knew each other. Should our path crosses someday, I hope you will turn away, as I will do the same. Because after this, let me assure you, I will not regard you in any way.

I hope you have a good life.

All the best,

me

early july random thoughts

i recently (not really that recent though) moved out of the house, and live in my own place. at first it's kinda weird, having this big space on my own, but i got used to it. i haven't really finish straightening up the place yet, but it's coming around.

having a house is huge deal, i mean, now i gotta do my own grocery, pay the electricity and my cable bills. i have to cook for myself, or else i starve :p

the thing i found out about me was that, when no one there to pick up after me, or to watch my back, i am really independent. lemme tell you, my mom kinda did a good job on raising me to be a neat freak. i mean, i'm nothing compared to her though, but i do like my house clean, and i can't stand clutters... although, judging from my desk at the moment, things are cluttered up. my i like my organized chaos :) but seriously though, i cleaned my own bathroom (without complaining) i tended the garden, i even took care of the plants like my mother did. it's kinda scary...i'm (dare i say it) growing up.

besides the fact that i'm more like my mom than i would like to admit, what's interesting for me was that the first space of the house that i got done. it was the kitchen. i mean for me, the kitchen is always the focal point of the place i live in. maybe it's my passion of cooking (mind you i'm nothing near a masterchef, but i can whip up an amazing dish). even when kresh came by the house, the first place he went to is the kitchen. kitchen and dining area is the place that i hold dear in a house. i don't care about any other appliances, but my kitchen has to have the best fridge and stove :)

the last room i got done, believe me or not, is my office :p (figures huh) i mean, it was supposed to be the living room (not family room, it's the room we used to greet guests... what would you call that...) but i don't really entertain people much, so i transformed it to be my office. i kinda like the space, i need to pimp it up a little, i mean, i have nothing on my walls yet... but i'll come around to it... *god knows when*

talking about things on the walls, i don't really have anything on my walls yet... i mean i have all these paintings i bought from my last trip, but i dunno, i was never the hanging thing kind... i have to start to hang some stuff though, so this place looks more 'homey'.

i have yet to have my house warming though, it's coming soon, i think i'm going to have it in the month of ramadhan... have some friends over, and break some breads... who knows maybe i'm in the mood to whip up something too :)

well... that's all for today... don't forget to save a date during ramadhan, i'll call you up, and we'll have big dinner at my house, and i also can't wait to have a barbeque in my backyard (i'm still working on my garden, i can hire a landscapist, but it will not be as satisfying :p) so come over to my house, if you're in the neighborhood :)

ps: pictures coming soon :)

a pledge

it bothers me so much, that it's so hard to get local folktales in the bookstore. but hey, i might have a chunk of responsibility in that. i mean, when i went to a bookstore to pick up some books, i usually took those blockbuster books, not the local books...

so now, i'm taking the pledge, no... i'm not going to the extreme by not buying those great books by michael scott or rick riordan... i'm taking a pledge on balancing my collection of local books and other books :)

so the local stories will still be alive and passed on

now it's your turn

you've stood there

with your boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'

but i stay still

my cave still sealed shut

i didn't budge

you've sent love letters

quoting shakespeare and emily dickinson

but i pushed you away

at times i looked over my window

just to find out you're still there

still smiling back at me

and then you disappeared

sometime too long

but somehow

you came back

after all the bitterness i gave you

with dragon bites all over

you came back

yet i remained unmoved

still stubbornly sealing shuts

all entrance to the cave

but now, it's me

who stood out here

outside your house

holding out the boom-box

blasting out 'in your eyes'

it's me

looking at your window

hoping you peer out

so i can give you a smile

because, after all these years

i finally realized

it's you!

it's always you!

but i've been silent too long

and you're tired

but i'm still here

with my boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'

with my own words

saying how do i love thee

hoping that you'll take a chance with me