bapak dearest

my dad, is not my best friend. gosh no he's not. i mean, we're like the odd couple. we fight, a lot. part of it, i guess maybe i reminded him of himself. people say i am the mirror image of him, only i'm a female. but i love my dad, he's annoying, talks a lot, loud, embarrassing at times, but he is the most important man in my life.

in late 2000 my dad was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus. a disease that i would call a friendly killer. my uncle, my dad's twin, was diagnosed with that disease, and he lost his battle with DM. i thought, my dad would skate through it. all these years, i didn't take DM seriously. you'll see why i call it a friendly killer.

DM kinda crept up on you. you didn't know it has consumed you, because you felt fine. others than the slightly over-fatigue, the need to drink constantly, the over-sweating, DM didn't look like a disease. my dad has a hearty appetite, he loves sweets! oh god, he loves his cinnamon buns, or when we made kolak pisang (banana cooked with brown sugar and coconut milk) he loves them. and my mom, my sister, and i did not have the heart to tell him not to eat as much.

but now, i think we should've done something, some tough love. if we did, maybe bapak would not be in the position he's in now. three week ago, my bapak was hospitalized, for a heartburn. little did we know, it was his DM getting worse. see boys and girls, DM likes to party, he doesn't come alone, he has all kinds of friends, the lucky friend he brought to party on my bapak was the neuropathy and nephropathy, which was the failure of the nervous system and kidney respectively. at this moment, he doesn't need a dialysis yet, but his kidney is almost on the stage of kidney failure. he no longer has full control of his bowel, that causes constant constipation for him.

i know i've said this to a lot of people, i am ready for my parent's death, i am. i have everything planned in my head, it's a natural thing right, your parents to go before you do. but i know now, that time is approaching, and i'm afraid it's sooner that i've expect it, now i feel like i'm not ready. i still want to share a lot with bapak. i want my kids to watch tv with my bapak, sitting against his large belly. i want my kids to know how annoying my bapak is when he's ranting about anything, i want them to learn stupid songs from him. i want them to be annoyed in a movie with him, as he commented on every single frame, and i want them to get to know him, and love the grumpy old man.

please god, let my bapak be well, i want him to see my kids, i want him to be able to run around with them, to play around with them. i want him to see me well. i want him to see me be successful, as a mom and as a working mother. please cure my bapak, let him share the best years of our lives.

dear bapak, i know i haven't been a good daughter for you, but i'm trying, and i hope you can see me in my best hour. i love you bapak, please be well, and please be well soon.

awakened

it's funny

how the answer was there all along

yet it was hidden ever so carefully

you couldn't see it

it's funny

how long it took me

to realize

you've been there all along

after every heartache

after every mistakes

in every void

there was you

you're the one that fills me

you're the one that picks me up

the one that tells me, to walk on

i just hope i'm not too late now

getting lost in the crowd

that's the thing i long most. to blend in the crowd. but for me, in a way it seems to be hard to do. i naturally stood out. and it's like a gift and a curse at the same time.

among my family, i was always that person who always had stupid interesting stories about her day (during childhood) i had the attention of the crowd without trying, my older cousins picked on me for no apparent reason beside the fact that i was just an easy target.

when i moved to the states, i faded into the crowd, no one seems to notice me, well except the esl children. but go back to my regular high school mates and ask them whether they remember me at all, they would say no. somehow, it feels nice to be a wallflower. i didn't appreciate it when i was in high school, but now i long for that day when i could just get lost in the crowd without being recognized. it's easy to capture human emotion that way when people hardly notice you.

one of my friend told me, that my body language is not inviting, and that was the cause that never landed me a one night stand :) at the moment, i can't figure out why did that. now i know, all these years, i've practiced the art of staying low, i guess i kinda clashed with the art of leave me the hell alone :) and as a person who loves to capture human emotion, i trained myself to be invisible, i trained myself too well...

but you know what, from a person who always stood out in the crowd, i kinda look for a place where i am just another flower on the wall, because i love being there

beautiful homecoming

i always love bangkok, i always say it's my 3rd home :)

so when i went back there, the first thing i always said when the plane touches down "i'm home". and this time, i'm back to bangkok, visiting lovely friends @ spafa for another exciting adventure in the form of 4-day conference.

i haven't seen any of my spafa friends since that fateful time when the airport closed at the end of november - early december in 2009. so this feelslike reuniting with old friends that became my family fora week i was in bangkok 2 years ago.and this timei was not alone, i was accompanied with a dear friend of mine for more than 10 years, topang (that's the name i called him by and it'll always be the name i'd call him by andyes we're that old) so i know it would be a good time.

on our first day, it was "hi, hello, how are you" day for me and lots of hugs from familiar faces!!!! it was go great to be back among friends, and i was glad that everyone were great. and it's really great to hear kevin's signature laugh again :)

i was a bit confused for the dress code, because i went to a spafa workshop where we're all on our most comfortable outfits. i was on converse all week long,and then i'vebeen to spafa's conference where i was wearing heels and acted all professional :) and this was a conference, but it's for youth. so itried to meet halfway, i packed my dresses, bitch shoes and flats, and abandoned my converse :) turns out it was a mistake for me to abandoned my beloved converse, because kevin told us we candress down. but hey i'm still wearing the bitch shoes for my presentation!!! *hell yeah*

the conference itself delivered everything i remembered about spafa's events, learning and fun!!! i mean, of course the 5-day affair in chiang mai is still one ofthe best time in my life, this conference, kind of gave me glimpses of the memories :)

on the first day, in addition of having cool presentations on howto communicate the dangers of climate change through arts, we had theater workshop at the end of the day. we had to map out our country's problem in the sense of climatechangewith all therecyclables that they provided us. for that afternoon, i've becamecambodian, since there was only one participant from cambodia, and a surprising number of participant from indonesia (i think it also reflected that indonesia is the most populated country in southeast asia :p)

the surprise of the afternoon for me is that one participant, yahya, who came out of nowhere started acting all funny, and blew me and topang away. all in all it was a fun afternoon that day, and i learned so much!!! and it's true, another man's trash is the next man's art project :)

one thing i learned in this trip, me and topang are old and responsible :) if i was two years younger, i would just be out all of the nights, but i had my presentation the next morning, so topang and i collectively opted to stay in for the night, just went out to grab some dinner thenwork on our presentation, topang's presentation is still on wednesday.

the workshops were lots of fun! and i always love ajan (i hope i got the spelling right) wajuppa's session. i was really waiting for the little cricket story though, didn't happen this time :( but hey, we got lots of new stories.

meeting ajan wajuppa made want to pursue the path of cultural studies again, although i know it would be useless in my path of work at the moment, so it made me want to change jobs... *i should've taken the woman studies master program thing omajig*

all in all, the workshop is about fun learning, taking the whole meaning of 'presentation' in another way. not sticking to power point (power boring), and meeting new friends!! meeting young people who are making such a great achievements, made me feel guilty about myself. where was i when i was their age (if you knew the answer, don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question!!! :p) but seeing their accomplishments and where they've been made me realize that i really have to sprint to get where they're at now. maybe by the time they're my age, they've already finished with their doctorate (the thing i have been dreaming for when i was 16, getting my doctorate before 30...) so i really need to run, i need to make my mark, i have to do something, set my name in stone and be someone :)

thank you friends, for a wonderful week, and i hope the relationship we've built for the short time, can last a lifetime!!

thank you twenty ten...

resolution is such cliche isn't it? i mean i made resolution last year, i don't think i fulfill any of it :p

well i did travel though... :) and it was a fine week...

twenty ten is a roller coaster for me. nevertheless it's the year i know who are my friends and who are my posse (say whaaaaa) :p posse come and go, friends, they stick with you. even when you tell them to butt off. even when you lock the doors, friends still rapped on your window, leave notes under the door, scream through the gates, to let you know that they're there. and friends wait, until you're ready. and when you're ready, friends are there. no hard feelings, no harm done, life goes on.

twenty ten is the year when i fall and rise back up like phoenix. i learned that i am stronger than i thought i am. this year was the year my principle was tested, can i really turn the other cheek. and i did :)

twenty ten is the year of hades *smirk* apollo eclipse, and return, just to say goodbye.

twenty ten is the year i rediscover myself (yet again), make peace with it, and live with it

twenty ten is the year of hope, downfall, and rise up with higher limit

thank you twenty ten, for all the lessons you given me, for every person i met this year, for every acquaintances along the way, thanks.

for twenty eleven, resolutions sounds like a burden... just a silent promise then:

- i promise i will not rush into things, whatever it is...

- i will enjoy every kiss, and try not to let it go further than just kiss

- i will not procrastinate, i will not procrastinate, i will not procrastinate.... (this one is a 'yeah right')

- let's get out of the debt

- i will enjoy every moment

- i will treasure my friends

- i will be a good sister

- i will be a good daughter

- i will be the best aunt :)

- i will be a better cousin, niece, grand daughter, and all that jazz

- and i will be stronger, wiser, and nicer

have a great twenty eleven!!!! let's rock it again....

criticism

criticism is the hardest thing to take, that's why i rarely publish my stuff, because i'm afraid of criticism. but at the end of the day, i take criticism as a fuel. the more critics i got, made me hungry to prove them better. that i'm capable of more.

but some people take criticism as a put down. they view the critics as a person who has beef with them. lemme tell you something, if you still got this 'unwanted inputs' that means people are still care about you. if they no longer voicing their thoughts to you, wanted or unwanted, means they are giving up on you. it means, you are no longer matter in their lives, it means they have neglected you completely.

so even though it's the hardest and most bitter pill to swallow, believe me when i say this, it's better to get criticize, than getting nothing at all, and you will fall without a warning. how you choose to take the criticism, that's your call. you can take it in, and fix what you think it's right from it, or.... you could just reject it bluntly and do your business as usual... but rest assured, criticisms are not to get you down, but they exist to make you better, and it comes from a place of love.... not hate

you can quote me on that

thank you

a little while back i thought it's important for people to know my birthday, so i feel a bit important :) feel loved....

but a posting from a certain someone *cough* lucy *cough* made me realize otherwise.

i don't think my bday is a big deal anymore. it's just another day, it's just so happens to be the day i arrived into this world.

today i am given the opportunity just to really thank everyone. thank you, so much. you don't know how much it means to me, all those blessings and wishes.

thank you...

for i am blessed