a letter to no one

Dear No one,

Before anything, I am going to let you know, that this will be the last time I am regarding you in any way. Because after this, I want you to move on, and if you love me, like you claim you do, then you will respect my wish.

I know you’re looking for answers in why I can’t let you in my life now. I know you feel that what I did is cold and unfair. But this is how it should be. I just can’t be like I was before, when I was with you.

Yes, I loved you, my God did I loved you. I did everything to save whatever we had before. The truth is, we started in shaky ground, and a completely wrong ground also. I started us with a lie, one that I’m not proud of. Nevertheless I was totally in love with us, the nature of our relationship at that moment. I was ridiculously infatuated by our happy ending, one that will defy all odds, so I fought for it. The thing was, I didn’t know when to stop. I kept fighting and fighting for it. I’ve used up all my energy, love and devotion, on just fighting for an idea. An idea I have in my head, of us being happy. In the process of the fighting, I have lost me.

Needless to say, I lost the fight. So I knew my place, and I knew my strength. I gave up. I gave up the idea of us, I gave up every dream I have of us, and I gave up that person who used to be with you. It was really hard to let go, and the process, was not quick. But I went through it. I have moved on.

Now you see, I have thrown away everything that has us in it. Letting that go, was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But strangely, once I let that go, I was completely at peace. I can face myself in the mirror again and see myself as me, not a total failure like the moment you left me. So I hope you do understand, it took all my willpower to let go of that, so it’s not that I can’t go back to that place again, I don’t want to go back to that place.

You’ve asked me, why can’t I put you in my life, why can’t we be friends, just friends. The answer is, we just can’t. I can’t be your friend, nor that I want to. And I am sure, you cannot be ‘just a friend”.

Another reason that I don’t want you in my life is that, I am fine and a much better person without you in it. So I really would like to keep my life that way, without you. I know it seems cold and selfish. But I rather be cold and selfish than be a hypocrite. This is not about revenge, or about me punishing you for walking out on me. I have forgiven you for that, and I understand your actions at that time. But when you came back, you can’t expect everything will be the same, and I will be greeting you with open arms, things changed, I’ve changed.

Like I said, I have let you go, and I can’t let you came back in, for the simple fact that, I just can’t.

I do thank you for everything you have given me. All the things that you did to me, good and bad, made me the strong woman that I am today.

So, again, if you love me, like you claim you do, please leave me be. Do not text me, do not try to locate me, or try to see what I am up to. And if you love me, like you claim to be, please respect my wishes. I wish for now on we will be stranger, like we never knew each other. Should our path crosses someday, I hope you will turn away, as I will do the same. Because after this, let me assure you, I will not regard you in any way.

I hope you have a good life.

All the best,

me

early july random thoughts

i recently (not really that recent though) moved out of the house, and live in my own place. at first it's kinda weird, having this big space on my own, but i got used to it. i haven't really finish straightening up the place yet, but it's coming around.

having a house is huge deal, i mean, now i gotta do my own grocery, pay the electricity and my cable bills. i have to cook for myself, or else i starve :p

the thing i found out about me was that, when no one there to pick up after me, or to watch my back, i am really independent. lemme tell you, my mom kinda did a good job on raising me to be a neat freak. i mean, i'm nothing compared to her though, but i do like my house clean, and i can't stand clutters... although, judging from my desk at the moment, things are cluttered up. my i like my organized chaos :) but seriously though, i cleaned my own bathroom (without complaining) i tended the garden, i even took care of the plants like my mother did. it's kinda scary...i'm (dare i say it) growing up.

besides the fact that i'm more like my mom than i would like to admit, what's interesting for me was that the first space of the house that i got done. it was the kitchen. i mean for me, the kitchen is always the focal point of the place i live in. maybe it's my passion of cooking (mind you i'm nothing near a masterchef, but i can whip up an amazing dish). even when kresh came by the house, the first place he went to is the kitchen. kitchen and dining area is the place that i hold dear in a house. i don't care about any other appliances, but my kitchen has to have the best fridge and stove :)

the last room i got done, believe me or not, is my office :p (figures huh) i mean, it was supposed to be the living room (not family room, it's the room we used to greet guests... what would you call that...) but i don't really entertain people much, so i transformed it to be my office. i kinda like the space, i need to pimp it up a little, i mean, i have nothing on my walls yet... but i'll come around to it... *god knows when*

talking about things on the walls, i don't really have anything on my walls yet... i mean i have all these paintings i bought from my last trip, but i dunno, i was never the hanging thing kind... i have to start to hang some stuff though, so this place looks more 'homey'.

i have yet to have my house warming though, it's coming soon, i think i'm going to have it in the month of ramadhan... have some friends over, and break some breads... who knows maybe i'm in the mood to whip up something too :)

well... that's all for today... don't forget to save a date during ramadhan, i'll call you up, and we'll have big dinner at my house, and i also can't wait to have a barbeque in my backyard (i'm still working on my garden, i can hire a landscapist, but it will not be as satisfying :p) so come over to my house, if you're in the neighborhood :)

ps: pictures coming soon :)