contact

call me out
i'll be there
just call my name please
no hesitation

don't leave me clues
i might not get
don't leave the trail cold
i'll get upset

just call me out
tell me you need me
tell me you want me
just call me out

feb 26/back to my roots

in yogya i am now...

after 12 hours of grueling train ride, i have arrived in this city. please note that the train ride was not as romantic as i pictured it would be :p. the lumpy seat, uncomfortable positions, thank god i didn't opted for the economy-class :p. by the time we arrived in yogya, i felt half of my ass was either missing or full of rashes (i kinda prefer the first though than the latter... if half of my ass was missing, i'd fit on my skinny jeans again ha!!)

anyway, it's weird that i was really eager to go to yogya. see i am 75% javanese and 25% bantenese (my dad's 100% javanese, my mom is half-and-half 50% javanese and 50% bantenese). but when i was a child, i always resent the fact that i am a javanese. part of it maybe because my aunts and cousin teased me so much about being a javanese, and the other part maybe because my dad's side of the family are not so cool :p

anyway... i was a kid then, you can't hold me against that :) but lately, i've been wanting to go to yogya. i want to go to mbah putri's grave. i miss her a lot. i really kicked myself in the ass for never really took the advantage of having grandparents to the fullest. mbah putri died when i was in 2nd grade, i didn't really have much sense of how lucky i was to have her watch me grow. after mbah putri passed away, i didn't really got in touch with mbah kakung (or i call him mbah tris). partly because he has a new wife, and i resented that so much (maybe influence from my dad, or yeah well, partly i was angry at him too, to the process, don't need to get into details). i had mbah kakung for 15 years after mbah putri's death. i met him only several times. i regret that now. i was really angry at him. i even told my mom i probably do not want him in my wedding. well, i admit i was wrong in my part for being angry so long. by the time i forgave him, our relationship was so estranged, it's difficult to mend it. well, i didn't give it 100% effort too. i did try to visit him, when the mood permits, i remembered my last visit to him. he was surprised to see me and my sister. he would try to remember facts about us. now if i had the chance to talk to him again, one last time, i'd tell him i'm sorry i was angry for so long. and personally, i have forgive him. it's not entirely his fault, he's just a man.

well, getting side-tracked for this entry... :D

anyway, back in yogya, i went around the town, and capturing its beauty. it was crowded, for it was maulid, i wanted to capture the grebeg maulid, but because of the train being late and everything, i didn't get to capture it. ow well, tough luck :)

now, even though my dad's side of the family is still uncool, and i still so liberal you won't believe i'm javanese, but i'm no longer ashamed of that root. call me mbak ayu now, i'm no longer embarrassed, in contrary, i am proud.

i'm javanese, because i am my father's daughter

feb 25/and the journey begins

i've prepared this trip for quite a long time. when i saw the 3-day weekend in the calendar. it's going to be one of those trip that i'll remember, because it's all just me who's planning it. i was going to take the train and went to yogya. i want to go to my grandmother's grave and just shoot pictures. it's been a while since i can just shoot pictures.

and it is convenience that lucy's house is nearby, so i can just crash in her place (that was the idea :p)

so i was so antsy, it's i have not taken the train for a while. i've been taking flights to yogya, so the 12-hour train ride... haven't felt that in a long while. let's see what's going to happen now, and yes, i'm taking the train ride back too. it's going to be fun!!!

so it's me, lucy, and her friend david (the robotic charming man... *note: i was drunk when i typed this*) off we go into the long 10 hours train ride, god be with us.

ow... last but definitely not least, now, for the first time in some years, i'm going to hear "nasi ayaaaaaaam" :p

feb 24/the most selfish thing you could do

is to commit suicide

i think it's the most selfish act you can do in the planet. who are you to judge that no one needs you anymore?!

leaving notes like "i can't take it anymore" or "this world does not mean much to me, i'm ready to face the great beyond" seriously!!! i mean, who are you to say that??? to say that no one cares about you, or this world is not worth living. and if you think that your problem will go away once you killed yourself. think again dude!!!

don't you think about the others who you left behind. you think they're not going to pay for your reckless decision???

i guess you don't get to say your sorry don't you? and i guess you don't know how it's like after you're gone don't you?

you never came back...

feb 23/it's just a song

me and lucy, are girls after all...

there are songs we do not listen to right now, just because. no... not just because, it just reminded us of stuff we chose not to remember :)

there are few song that for me, if it popped up in the ipod, i automatically hit next. these stuff made lucy and i seem like normal girls who are coping with the consequences of heartbreak.

but right now, looking back, and hearing back, i realized, it's just a song, right? and it's such a wonderful song too at times. i mean, come on luce, michael buble 'everything' is a great song! (and she'll talk back to me and say michael learns to rock and roxette is not bad also)

anyway, even though i realized, it was just a song, nothing more than that. just a beat to listen to, but i still can't help to hit that 'next' button in my ipod every time i hear babyface "i need a love song" or roxette "sleeping in my car" or yes michael buble "everything".

i'm still working on it... and i kept telling myself... it's just a song, a very good song in fact *huh, if it's only that easy...*

feb 22/the sincerity of human heart

i remember when chris rock was on oprah, he was complimented for not having an entourage. and he said, "the people is right here (he put his hand up close his face) not there, and having entourage around me, would prevent me to get close to the people."

well put mr. rock!

i felt that this week, as i was back enjoying the public transportation again in this country. i have forgotten how nice people can actually be. see, for more than 3 years, i've been cooped up in my car most of my time. i drove around by myself, spending approximately 5 hrs alone everyday, can you see how numb i've become? :p

you might laugh at this, but at times, i forgot how to interact with people. well i know the basic, smile, polite nod, and stuff. but i forgot, that sometimes, strangers can be nice to the other strangers.

and THAT slapped me today. i've prepared to be a loner on the train. armed with my ipod and a sookie stackhouse novel, i just don't talk to stranger. but this woman tapped me, and made me regret that i see strangers as this harsh creatures, because she gave me a seat. a seat, when i need it the most.

oh god, from this point on, i will always remember, that human are still sincere at times, and strangers are not that bad...

feb 21/out with ilham

he asked me to go to see a movie, any movie out of the blue. so off to see a movie we went.

it's really weird lately between me and ilham. i mean, we used to be so close before. when i had a boyfriend, and he had a girlfriend, we kinda fell apart. and now, after i broke up with my boyfriend, we didn't really mend our friendship. we remain close and stuff, but we don't really hangout together anymore.

so it was a nice surprise for him to ask me out to see a movie, and we went to see percy jackson. the movie was entertaining, so to say. i mean, the special effect, and the story about greek gods always have my heart.

we talked a lot over dinner, ilham and i, about life in general, and everything that's been going on. a year of friendship, kinda caught up with us. it's amazing how i can become comfortable with someone i knew for a year. he's a good guy, ilham is.

and tonight i found out that he had never approved my last relationship. he said and i quote "it's good that i've found out about it when it's over, because what i had to say to you about it, is not pretty."

protective ilham always is. and i always love him like a brother.

feb 20/so what is it really?

as i sat there on the gymnasium, over looking everything, i had an early saturday so i could play some basketball with the guys. but the thing is, my heart just wasn't in it anymore. i just didn't care.

i don't know what it is, maybe my fear of touch that i have lately contributes to that too... my body just stiffened, and i cannot be touched. seriously don't laugh, it's not funny!

it's really funny, so there i was with people i usually comfortable hanging out with, and to be honest, i was a touchy feely person, i like hugging people (once i was comfortable with them) i don't mind guys to stand close to me, and to certain extent, i even held hands with my guy friends when i'm walking with them.

but lately, i don't know, i kinda allergic to touch, even when a good friend of mind extending his hand to help me up today, i refuse to take it, i know i might hurt his feelings, but i can't help it. don't know what comes over me though, but i hope people would understand, it's really not you, it's me, and please for the time being, don't stand too close to me :)

feb 19/back on the train :)

my past revisited :)

i used to ride the train back and forth in my college years. i know the route by heart. i know when the train comes, and what time it'll arrive in UI. i know the atmosphere all too well. the smell of the train station, and the commotion was an everyday thing for me.

now, with a slightly more luxurious train, i am back riding it to work. in a way, i enjoy everything. and i had this feeling i can't explain. i felt more like... an adult. yes i did!! for a weird reason, today i feel so much more grown up. riding train, taking the bus, reading my novels, taking my time seeing the view (i don't get to do that much riding my car mind you, i have to focus on the road).

so, here i was, feeling like a kid with her first ride on the public transportation alone. and i loved it. i could get use to this... maybe occasionally i'll just take the train instead :)

feb 18/otong's last day

today, i'm saying goodbye to otong.
it's been a nice three years with him. some interesting moments... those i won't repeat in this blog :p (can you tell i'm not an angel at all :p)

he is a great companion, i spent most of my time driving around with him. he became my 2nd bedroom. sometimes i spend the night sleeping inside otong. we've come a long way. but i have to let him go. it's time...

yeah i'm sad. he's a huge part of me, and my paycheck of course :p but hey.... lots of memories. and now, the new car, is the 1st full time car i have, as a single person :p (i've always have boyfriends in my car... sorry mommy :p)

but i'm looking forward for my new adventures with grayson (or tikki might call him 'jangkrik')
can't wait until he arrives :)

thank you otong for everything, i'm sorry i've used you for some naughty purpose, hey what can i say, i'm not an angel, and you are my silent witness of my other adventures :p
it's been a great ride, i'll see you around i guess....

refugee

i'm hiding
i'm hiding from the real world that's chasing me
i'm running from everything that bothers me
i'm cowering under the rock hoping they all go away

i'm hiding
i'm running away from your face and your memories
i'm shutting down all the windows
to a dark cave no one finds

but no matter where i go
no matter how low i crouched down the earth
no matter how dark the place get
you're always there

floating around next to me
crouching down as low as me
lingering in the dark, giving speck of light on my cave

but you never intended to light up the place
just for a tease
to remind me
how bright my world was with you

but i couldn't catch you
you couldn't fill me
my cave's still dark
and i'm still running away

away from you
from your eyes
your thoughts
your scent

from everything....
that's you

feb 17/a happy day :)

it's a happy day indeed... today i learned that buriq and ujank are expecting!!!!

it's a happy news by itself... another happy note was, that she chose me, to be the 2nd person that knew about her pregnancy after her husband. her mom didn't even know yet!!! i felt so honored, and i had teary eyes in the middle of a meeting. i am soooo happy for her, i'm ecstatic!! i can't wait until the little one arrives (and i have a gut feeling it's going to be a girl... :) )

ow it's going to be a fun ride. i'm sure i'm going to spoil her kid rotten, and you can quote me on that!!! i'm going to love that kid as if she/he is my own. i'm going to take she/he to lots of journey, and for sure going to make her a viewfinder junkie, just like her/his mom and auntie :p we just need to settle on the 'belief' that he/she going to follow... well i'm sure the kid will be smart, and choose canon :)

i can't wait until i meet the little one myself. and one day, i'll show this entry to her/him, and tell her/him exactly what i did when i heard the news, and how she/he is one of my precious duckling.

feb 16/20 years from now...

my thoughts poured out from my brain as i was sitting there with my "sixers" in our very last time (supposedly) as the "sixers".

i looked at my colleague one by one, can't help but think what will become of us in the next 20 years, when (some of us) are getting ready for our retirement. would we look back @ this experience, being the sixers with no experience at all... producing manuals for management in our institution. would we laugh at the experience, remembering my lack of contribution to the team (really, i'm the blonde of the parade, because i don't give a damn about the task) or aris' antics... (i'm on growing phase... yeah your waistline is growing i can tell :p)

but it turn out to be good times (most of the time) and i am really comfortable with my role as the food provider :)

i'll miss the sixers when we're finally done with the project... so no matter what happens in the future, we still have the sixers that bonds us :)

feb 15/drops of jupiter

now that she's back in the atmosphere
with drops of jupiter in her hair
she acts like summer and walks like rain
reminds me that there's time to change
since the return from her stay on the moon
she listens like spring and she talks like june

this song is one of those song that have a wonderful lyric and the metaphors i could only dream about writing. i love everything about this song, it's so heart-wrenching the longing of a lover who's changing before his eyes without him realizing it.

9 years after its release, this song still brought tears to my eyes.

tell me did you sail across the sun
did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
and that heaven is overrated

tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
one without a permanent scar
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

i don't know what draws me into this song, but it always drew me in like it has a gravity that tied up with it *deep....*

now that she's back from that soul vacation
tracing her way through the constellation
she checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
reminds me that there's room to grow

now that she's back in the atmosphere
i'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' jane
told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
and head back to the milky way
and tell me, did venus blow your mind
was it everything you wanted to find
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
your best friend always sticking up for you even when i know you're wrong
can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
the best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

my favorite verse of the song.... "the best soy latte that you ever had and me..." so no matter how she grew and all the roads she traveled, she's still talking about him.

tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
and head back toward the milky way

all in all, this song always my favorite tune when i just want to lay back and recollect my thoughts.... drops of jupiter

feb 14/not a valentine entry

i don't celebrate valentine's day.... i think the whole thing is just made up by hallmark and all those other cards and gift company (not suck on being my boyfriend huh?! i don't drag you to some dinner and stuff for this day, because really, it's just some marketing bullcrap)

so this valentine's day, i was about to get some snaps with buriq, but it turns out that she fell ill, so i took the moment to bargain shop with mommy :) spending the day with mommy is a lot a fun! and i got to buy a lot of stuff... because i'm with mommy :p

the day was not lost... not at all :)

feb 13/my rep :)

hey, it might not be the greatest thing in the world, but i have a rep to live up to... seriously, don't laugh! but i do have a rep that i'd like to keep up. that is: a liberal, happy go lucky, sarcastic wench. seriously... that's how i labeled myself.

so my friends would see me as a person who doesn't give a damn about religion, doesn't really give a crap about anything really. so when pilas caught me reading my holy book in my free time in the morning, i was caught off-guard. she laughed her ass off, and i was blushing like a bride.

another thing, when someone found out that i'm passionate about stuff, like the rohingya people (which i have yet to make an article or a blog entry about them) or how i blurted out some quotes from something i read (this is a serious offense from my dumb blonde facade :p)

so, i know it's really unimportant, but i'd like to keep my rep the way it is... i'm a bitch who doesn't care about the apocalypse and the idea of heaven and hell for me is disneyland and the office respectively :) so i would like to keep away from the mystical stuff (even though, i might be more mystical than the girl next blog :p)

feb 12/first facial in a long while

i haven't had facial in a long time!!! seriously, my face looked like an unkempt road :) it's so bumpy and i hated it.

the funny thing was the doctor asked me, "can you handle pain?"

i have to laugh a little (i have the right to do that really!) well... to be fair to the doctor, she doesn't really know me. if she does know me, she'll know that pain, is something i handle, REALLY well :) i told her i might cry a bit though, and she smiled, "crying's fine, but don't whine."

and when i got home, i kinda thank god for mommy for teaching me pain. because you know, pain is something you get use to... and me... i can handle my pain, all kinds of it :)