being fragile

i live here on my knees as i try to make you see that you're everything i think i need here on the ground....

my favorite line of the week.  it's taken from sara bareilles "gravity".  that chick sure has a hard name, but a beautiful song.
maybe it sounded weak, sounded like something a "cewek jelek" would say.  but the wording, the way she pictured it, it sounded strong to me.  well maybe because i'm in cewek jelek world right now, but nevertheless, it's a beautiful lyric.

being fragile sucks.  and being weak is degrading.  but sometimes we have to accept that @ times, we're not as strong as we'd like to be.  accepting it, means you are a bigger person that you were before.

but the bigger person doesn't really stop @ merely accepting it.  once you accepted it, you have to act on it.  and a bigger person, would choose to just stop for a second, identify what was lacking, and work on it, so they have a higher limit.  the lesser person, just accept it, and continue with their life accepting they have limit.

which one would you choose... being a bigger person, or the lesser person?

today, i accept i am fragile, i accept that i am weak, and i'm average.  but i refuse to just stop at that.  today i might loose, i'm resting now, tending my wound, but i'll be back, with a higher limit... :) (and it sounds nicer than vengeance don't you think ;) )

i'm through accepting limits, 'cause someone said there's so

just a quote

i'd like to share this quote i read in gregory maguire's book "wicked".  it's so moving, yet it's just a simple thing that we missed out and never been taught for....

"to the grim poor there need be no pour quoi tale where evil arises; it just arises; it always is. one never learns how the witch became wicked, or whether that was the right choice for her - is it ever the right choice? does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? it is the very least a question of definitions"

cool huh... :)

dealing with sorrow

i've been avoiding this feeling, and letting myself become numb.  believe it or not, i haven't cried once for padang like i did for aceh.  and, i'm really sorry for saying this, i have no emotion towards the situation...at all.

and then i realized, why i'm stuck all this time, all these writer blocks, emotionless pictures.  it explains it.  i didn't grief.  i buried it, and hoping never to have to deal with it.  the thing is, you have to face grief head on.  you have to break down and cry, and call whoever it is a jackass, or a prick.  you have to let it out and tell them what you are feeling, even when they're not listening.  but you have to let it out.  i was still a 'person' before, because i've dealt with my grief, the best way i knew how, mind you.  but hey, that's the only way i know how.  and it worked for my feelings.  i didn't say i was proud of what i did, because it was stupid.

i don't know if i done enough to deal with it yet.  well, i managed to scribble down my thoughts this morning, i hope you enjoy it :)

you're always be the one

your picture is sitll on my phone

i look it up whenever i'm weary

a simple reminder how i used to be happy

i was never yours

not completely anyway

my picture was never in your wallet

but my heart belong to you, and you only

now i'm standing here

not wanting to move

waiting for you

to comeback, and retrieve the heart that's left for you

few came by, and ask me to come along

they tried to move me

from the spot that you left me

but as you can see

i can't move

i won't move

because i have to be here

when you decided to take back this heart

-091009-

another airport morning

today, i've discovered another greatest invention by mankind, the self check in!!!!

oh hell yes, it's wonderful if you don't have a baggage (emotional doesn't count :p) all you have to do is just walk in to one of the computer, put in your booking code and your ticket number, and, wait for it, it's the best part... choose your own seat!!! yes ladies and gents you get to choose your own seat!!! and then you're good to go.  easy, no hassle, no lines!!! :) cool huh?? :)

and in the midst of the confusion (i woke up late today mind you) and the exhaustion, i thanked god for this life with all its complication, it's still a wonderful one.

and last night, i've closed the chapter completely.  i hope i did, and i hope it's done.  i just don't want to deal with it anymore.

i fell asleep, and i forgot the rest of the crap that i was about to write here :p

healing with imogen

i've been listening to imogen heap's latest album 'ellipse' over and over and over again.  it's one beautiful album.  loving most of the song (still can't relate with 'little bird' for some weird reason).  today's highlight is 'half life'

listening to that felt as if she smacked me upside the head.  the words gets me, and for the first time in a long time, i wanted to write about this song.  it says everything about my last relationship. 

right at the beginning of the song, when she said "i knew that i'd get like this again, that's why i try to keep it at bay" dammit that's exactly how i was at the beginning.  i know when i fall, i'd fall.  i try to keep thing just 'casual' or in a vamp word 'sex only, no emotional attachment'.  i can't toy with my heart.

and then, she also said "the stickler is you've played not one beat wrong, you never promised me anything" it's true.  he never did.  and i try not to.  i was trying to be the perfect 'other women', not demanding, and try to be anything she (his girlfriend) was not.  but i forgot, he never told me that he'll leave her for me.  i just assume that he would.  with his perfect words that he whisper to me.  *maap saat itu saya jadi cewek jelek, well, i was cewek cantik yang jatuh cinta, tetep ngeles*  so comes the next punch line "my self worth measured in text back tempo, it's been 2 days and 8 minutes to slow, well there might be others, but i still like to pretend, that i'm the one you really want to grow old with"

dammit imogen can't you just serve me with a jar of snake venom please, so i can get this over with.

well all ini all, this song is healing, the cd is highly recommended (for anyone who has a high taste in music :p)

last line for you guys...

you know you'll never be lonely, no, you'll always be loved, and maybe, you never need more than that, but for the surplus that loves, what's to become of us?
does it even register on your conscience?

long for one last show down, from a box in a crowd, air compressed tight to explode, i'm clenching my ticket to the only way out, as you disappear in a puff of smoke.

it's a half life.... with you as my quarter back... it's a daft life

*sigh... i'll keep the last line to myself as i say my silent wish*