the fear

i have this thing, this mask i always wear, this persona that i supported... i am fearless, i am fierce, i am strong...

yeah right!

give me love, and i crumble like soft sugar cookies... my defense, this wall, would fall and i become a girl when i fall in love. that's why i don't fall that often. only 6 times in my lifetime (two were childhood crushes, but they were so innocent and cute, i count that as love, but relationship-wise i've only been in 4). that would only be once every give or take 3 years right? so not that often (well we're not counting pacey witter, mike shinoda, and nicholas gene carter :p)

see... still hiding it. my fear. the thing is, i'm afraid to admit it, but i'm scared to death.

i've never felt this way, until now. see, i don't fall that often, but *i'm trying not to sound cocky* sometimes i impress people too much :) and sometimes, i kind of led them on. so when i 'threw' someone away, i always said to myself, plenty of catch in the sea...

but the thing is, the catch that i wanted, never stay for long. and not until my recent break up, i have this enormous fear of... living alone.

i was always okay to face the fact that i might have to live by myself, because no one could really handle me. i used to be okay with the idea of living in an apartment, by myself (maybe a cat and gold fishes) and just live the life i've always wanted. never going to be a mother, because being an aunt will be enough for me.

but right now, i want more. i want that white picket fence, i want someone to share my bed at night, i want to feel body heat next to me, and when i woke up from a nightmare, i want to have someone to calm me down.

i am afraid i'm going to end up alone. now i hate the idea of not sharing my life with anyone. i hate the idea of sleeping alone...

so there's my fear, i'm scared of being alone... you have no idea

an answer to your why

it's not right

when i don't feel anything

i should feel something

it's not right

when i can still breathe

when my breath should be taken away

it's not right

when my knees didn't buckle

and i'm standing still

my heart didn't skip a beat

my spine didn't shiver

my hands hardly trembled

it's not right

when i treated you like an ex-boyfriend

when it's only the beginning

-and that's why i left-

the madonna glee...

omigod it's so great!!

i got goosebumps seeing 'like a prayer'

the best!

and i still don't get rachel, how can she did not see finn and that he's trying... ow well aren't i a little too old for this though :D

and my favorite line from brittany "mr shue, is he your son?"

well, glee's part of my entertainment these days, something that connects me with ninta too :)

so, my hat's off to the glee creators for making a great show that probably will define this generation.

:)

my stand

my tears...

they're not for you

no sir they aren't

they're too precious to be yours

this heart

it's not meant for you

stone cold marble it is

but it's too precious for your keeping

these words

they're aren't yours

hell no

my words are too precious to describe you

this life

is not for sharing

not for you at least

the morning after

i woke up dizzy

might be the drink

might be the meal

might be you...

your touch made me dizzy

you made me forget

a temporary cure

i knew that for sometime now

you came and go as you please

yet i'm still here

not really looking for you

but it's nice when you come along

you left me dizzy

you left me confused

it's the morning after

one thing left to ponder

if i take that leap of faith

are you worth the jump?

a note from underneath

first off i'd like to start this entry with an apology. especially to my future self. because i couldn't commit into this project like i planned to.

i mean, i've got stuff flowing on my head, and wrote down some. even if i didn't have time to sit alone with alice to pour down my thoughts, i wrote it in my trustee notebook these days. but the thing was, i was REALLY lagging behind in terms of expressing myself.

i am disappointed on my lack of enthusiasm, even to write these days. i mean, i should've find time, in any given time of day, to write. just to sit down and write. but it seems to me i've been pondering a lot. but not doing a lot. it kills me that i'd chose sleep over typing down my thoughts that would evaporates as soon as i closed my eyes.

but then again, i'm only a girl who needs her rest. i wanted to be stronger, i imagined myself to be stronger, so i have tons of energy to do all the things i've always wanted to accomplish. but alas... i'm not that strong. i'm working on it though, but i can't promise you much.

but i hope, i wish, i could still continue on the project (though it's lagging behind more than a month now!!!) i'm looking for a day or a time when i can just sit down and fill each day with my already written out thoughts. i mean, i do write (in a sense) everyday. i wrote the draft and outline of the entry. but just never got around to make it a story. i have to now though.

and i'd like to apologized for those who read my thoughts, i'm sorry i'm not that consistent, with that i also want to express my sincere gratitude for you who took your time and read my words. i hope my words can fill your days, give you new perspectives, and make you (somewhat) a changed person...in a good way :)

so with this note, i vow (again) to be a better writer... after all it is my dream job... ever since i could remember i always want to be (some sort of) a writer... whether it is a poet, a journalist, or a scriptwriter. i just want to write, and i want to affect.

and i don't need to be seen... i just want to be heard :)

contact

call me out
i'll be there
just call my name please
no hesitation

don't leave me clues
i might not get
don't leave the trail cold
i'll get upset

just call me out
tell me you need me
tell me you want me
just call me out