run away with me

i have that tune over and over in my head for sometime now. "run away with me" taken from the unauthorized biography of samantha brown. is there any particular reason for that tune to be stuck in my head. at first, no, but now... well i dunno.

if denial is a state of mind, and i'm certainly in denial right now. you know when you're at the fork on the road, thinking to take left or right. i know i should take right. it's the one that i drew up in my map, and it's my frickin' five year plan for god sake!!! but something on the left is intriguing. questioning... made me wonder can i take the left also? what will happen if i do?? would this be the road less taken that i've always longed for??

i still don't know. the left looked tempting at the moment. but the right is my dream. it's all fill with me and me and me. yes, it's a lonely road on the right. but it's the 'happy' road as i know it. but if i swerved left, i never know. i'm not even sure at the moment. it's all vague.

i should just taken my own advice i guess... take my time and enjoy the moment. if it'll pass, it'll pass... if the time comes, i'll know which road i will take. it might be the road less taken, it might be not. i might meet a fellow traveler there, who is as weird as i am, or as passionate as i am, or a simple fact that he can handle my weirdness and make him a companion in this journey.

that's the beauty of life i guess... you never know what will come next. and every choices is connected to the next.

for the moment, i just want to sing 'run away with me' on top of my lungs and let my feelings out. for this fork on the road... i don't know, i guess i'll just sit here and enjoy the view for a while, and make a decision with a clean sober head.

a writer's test...

you want to know how good you are in writing?? well try to write something half-sober and try not to regret it later :p

kinda what i'm doing now...

well i haven't really told you that i've moved to yogyakarta. i'm going to be here for a couple of years to enrich my mind with higher education. and i don't get it, some people are bitching and complaining because they're at school their incomes are drastically plummeted. I mean, what did you expect?? rainbows and unicorns?? *naive*

but to be honest, i'm having a time of my life here. for the first time i'm pumped up to do anything. just not today, i'm just finished doing a late night work due to my perfected procrastination skill...

and now here i am, doing the writer test, i just hope whenever i see this writing sober there are not a lot that i regretted.

well, i'm supposed to rush to my first class now, but i think i'm skipping it today, just the first class to catch some extra zzzzzz there are not much i can learn from the class anyway (not in my state of being at the moment)

so... here it goes, pressing the 'publish post' button :p

stupid

i know what you are

you're just another distraction

to get me off my path

i know you seemed sweet

you filled with candy

that'll decay my teeth

i know what you'll be

another misery

another death of me

see now,

i'm smarter and wiser

i can see you're a distraction

yet why am i still writing about you?

sitting in my room watching the world turns

i'm sorry...

i'm sorry for living yet didn't live it...

i'm sorry for sitting here, and not being out there...

i'm sorry...

that's all i could feel...

i am bound to this chair, and all i could feel is envy...

i envy you

i envy you that you've lived up your life

so i'm sorry,

i've been given much more than you have

but i'm not living it yet...

-for dan & remy-

the path

this is the track i build for myself

the road less taken

the one i chose

to lead me to you

i laid this track carefully

one yellow brick at a time

i laid this track

to lead me to my destination

i see my goal

beyond the horizon

still i can feel you

standing there waiting

it might be long

it might be hard

but i'm taking it

one yellow brick at a time

29 and single...

never thought i will say those words about me...

no wait, i'm lying, i always knew :)

people have been bothering me from left and right, above and beyond, to get a man. my replies these days, i just shrugged and tell them when he'll come, he'll come.

no, i'm not bitter, and i don't care if you think that way. well i might be sarcastic and loner. but i don't bark at random little kids that annoy me. i just bark at old people who nagged me to get married :p no.... i don't do that, unless it was pms, which by then i claim i have nothing to do with it.

with all seriousness... if anyone asked me, i have never been happier than i am right now. it's been that way for a year or so. i found myself in solitude. i found that i can focus more when i'm alone. so i'm calling this period blessing in disguise.

okay, i do admit, at some point of my life i thought i was going to marry at 25. well i'm kinda glad it didn't happen. because if it did, i would miss a lot! not to belittle anyone who chose to marry young, because i believe everyone has their own story and choices. but for me, if i did get married when i was 25, i would miss a lot of opportunities. it's just the kind of person i am. i will choose my family before anything, and probably would never sit here in this room trying to get my master degree. my days would revolve around getting my husband and kids ready to go about their days, shop for their needs, and be the best wife and mother i could be.

not to say that is a bad choice, but compared to this... gun on my head to force the truth out of me, i still say i'd chose to experience life, which i believe i would not be able to have i been married at 25.

true, at this age, i started missing friends. because when they get married, things change. whether you want it or not, things will change. they will have their 'new' and 'upgraded' life, and it will no longer fit the definition of life that you have. but hey, it's life, it's choices, so i'm not saying one way is better than the other. and yes, you could still hang out, just not the way you used to. tough, life goes on :)

do i want to share my life with someone? yes i do, very much! i just don't want that 'someone' to be 'anyone'. and my mother would say, "be realistic, you're almost 30, your time is running out, your choices are limited, so stop being picky." and again, i would shrug and tell her, "when the time comes, you'll be the first to know."

am i opening myself to anyone right now? um... i can't answer that. i mean, right now, i'm in a place where i want to put myself first. so it's kinda tricky, when someone asked me whether i want to get involved with anyone at the moment. what i learned about me is that i can't have too many things going on around me. so, forgive me for sounding so juvenile, for me, being in love, or the idea of a relationship, would mess up my 5-year-plan :)

but not totally closing it, i mean, when the right one comes along, when God permitted him to stroll along my way at the moment, and he's truly the one. i'm not saying no. but i'm not waving signs and say 'marry me please' at the moment either.

so 29 and single... i don't mind, it's just that people around me do mind. and i get it, they're just concern. that's why i never snapped at any of them (at least not the people i don't know, the people i know, would have better judgement than to nag me 24-7). it is hard sometimes, and kinda pathetic when the most dialed number in your phone bill are your parents' :p but i'm in good place right now. really i am :)

the art of taking a test

okay how many of you whine when you hear that you have to take a pop quiz or a test?? okay, understandable...

how many of you started to feel negativity towards yourself and saying outloud that you're going to fail??

REALLY???

see, my sister told me this, i'm good at standardized test. it's kinda true :p i passed or did well on about 90 percent of standardized test i took. so it kind of annoyed me when people are being so negative about it. and i hate sounding cocky, because i know i'm going to pass it, so what i do is just i kept it to myself and myself only. i don't even tell this shits to my mom, it takes the fun out of it :p

wanna know my secrets on rockin' standardized test? well except study really hard (that means look back on old tests and see what kind of stuff they gave in the past, it's standardized test, they kinda have paterns) is that i always believe when i took those standardized test that i'm going to rock it. and i'll have that attitude all the time i was taking the test.

well it doesn't mean that i always feel this way. there's always a time when i'm not so sure whether i'm going to pass or not, but i'm always hoping, even though i might say outloud that i'm worried that i'm going to fail, but there's always a little voice in the back of my head saying that i'm going to do well.

so my advice for you naysayers, start believe in yourself. it's not a crime to say that i'm going to do well in this, because i don't belive there's a crime in admitting that you're good. just don't get too carried away :)