being mrs. a

i've been wanting to write for a while, but the internet connection... ow well, i've blamed the internet connection in this place too many times already.  but i come to you with a good news.  remember about 8 months ago, i wrote an entry about being 29 and single (if you don't remember here's the link: 29 & single) well, still 29, but not single anymore.  i found a guy who is worth fighting for, and he gave me the coolest bling a woman can have.

the way i fell for him is just unconventional, i mean, i never really fell for someone like that.  from the moment i saw him, i knew,  he's the man who will ruined my plan, for being single and unattached for the next five years.

he came on february 27, 2012, six days after my infamous 29 & single entry.  i remember to the date the first time i saw him.  i wish i had written the time.  but i all i knew it was a little after 8 am.  i sat there, still confident that my life will go according to plan, all of the sudden, i saw him.  standing there, well actually sitting, so raggedy, scruffy, and somewhat broken.  i have never said this to myself about anyone, but i hope to god that he was single.  well if he's not, there goes my luck, and let's go back to our 5-year-plan.  as my luck would have it, he just ended his relationship about maybe two days before i see him.  i don't believe in coincidences, just random occurrences, but i don't know what you made of this.

ever since that day, my go back and forth about my 5-year plan and him.  i know it's weird right? i mean, comparing a man with an abstract plan.  but if you have a track record with a man like i do, you'd do the same :)

anyway, there were several occasions when i thought i should draw back and just forget my feelings.  but i guess it was faith, or destiny, whatever it is, i can't seem to escape him.  on april 20th, we went on our first date, well it's a bit unconventional for a date, but it was sure memorable.  i found it was easy to talk to him, i mean, i don't have to put up any character with him, i was me.

but still, our relationship status was not really stated, i mean, i didn't know who i was for him.  but a trip to solo confirmed it.  as he told some random lady who tried to hook up her daughter with him that he has a girlfriend, and the girlfriend is sitting next to him (which was yours truly).  That was some night :)

From that point on, our relationship seemed to hit the fast track.  the thing was, i was not scared like i was before.  i'm just looking forward for my life with him, cooking for him, waking up next to him.

we got engaged on august 26th 2012, and we set a date for november 4th.  the preparation was hectic.  i mean, i planned weddings before, but mine, i want it to be mine :) with all my touches and stuff.  so with our busy schedule, i still insisted i don't need wedding organizer.

yeah it was tiring, but i got everything i wished for.  like the band, which was excellent, provided by this talented violinist Ardiles Septuaginta, i highly recommended him, you can contact him at violinist_guy@yahoo.com or just contact him on facebook by that name.  my dresses was beautifully made, and it was designed by my wonderful cousin, rara pradnya nindita (@rarapradnyaw) and made by dany boutique.  and i can't get over the fact that the batik were perfect, which i handpicked myself from mahkota batik, laweyan solo (highly recommended, they're really helpful!!)

anyway... it was a great day, perfect to every single little details, including the man on my arms (which is the highlight of it all).  now, as i walked into the room, dark at night, he's already asleep, and i saw something glistened on his finger.  i kept thinking, mine, for life, and i will never be alone anymore.

a cup of coffee in the afternoon

everyone has a dream, what's yours?

one of mine is working side-by-side with the one i love.  true, in this situation right now, i was hoping i was working on my latest book instead of this definition of physical geography.  but, you know what, you can't have it all.  but this is one of my dream, sitting side by side, or across the table in an afternoon just being quiet and working.

i can't help but keep thanking God for everything he gave me at this moment, and as always, i know i am not a good person, but i know i've done something good to get what i am getting right now (deserve is such a fancy word, and i don't know lately, the word 'deserve' seems so divine for me).

i know i'm in this deep pile of work right now.  i still have 15 questions to answer due tomorrow at 3pm the latest.  i have group work i need to look over, i have ten thousand things to do.  but you know what, complaining would be the last thing on my mind right now.  this is what i've dreamed of.  and i'm getting it right now

collide

i've been orbiting your space for a few spins
we've collided just a brief seconds ago
compared to the time we were wandering in the universe
i've known you for only a second

yet it seems like a lifetime ago
i was a lost moon
looking for an earth to orbit around
looking for a companion to count on

one might think
why didn't we collide two lifetimes ago
but i don't
i think we collided in the perfect time

i won't shine as bright on your earth
had it been two lifetimes ago
i wouldn't be able to appreciate your beauty
had it been two lifetimes ago

no longer lone wanderers
we travel in this universe together
orbiting around each other
seeking comfort in one another

give 'em hell

my new jam... 'the fighter' by gym class heroes.  i never care much for this bunch, i mean, their first song that i remember from them was 'clothes off'.  not exactly my cup of tea.  but when i heard this song for the first time in E!, they were premiering the video.  the lyrics just made me stand 10 feet tall.  especially the hook by ryan tedder... the man cannot sing jack shit live (have you seen him live lately... terrible) but he sure can write lyrics :p

the whole song is like a wake up call, to just live on.  it's a perfect song to jog to.  a perfect goodbye song for patrick :p and also the perfect song to catch on my dream.  i mean, not saying what i got right now is not enough, it is more than enough.  but it was only part one of the dream, i still have that yellow brick road that i laid out so carefully.  i still have to achieve that goal.  that one is kinda selfish, it was for me and myself only.  but i hope, truly hope, you would be there for me nonetheless.  and i hope we can reach the goal together :)

in the meantime, imma sing 'the fighter' and fight on!!!

*half the population just waiting to see me fail, yeah right you're better off trying to freeze hell...until the referee rings the bell, until both of your eyes start to swell, until the crowd goes home what we're gonna do y'all??? give 'em hell!!!*

questions

would it annoy you
if i told you that i miss you constantly
would it scare you
if i told you that i need you here with me

would i took the fun out of it
if i told you you're always on my mind
would i stop being interesting
if i told you you're the only one that i want

would i stop being special
if i told you i'll be faithful
would my words become meaningless
if i dedicate them to you

would i become dull
if i told you that i love you
would it freak you out
if i told you that i want you for life

fragile

i should come with a warning
'approach with caution'
i know i said i'm an open book
that doesn't make me simple though

i am damaged
held by tapes and thread
still trying to stand
on the outside it looked fine
once you get to the inside, you know how damaged i am

i hope you can stay
handle my antics
be my one and only

and i really really really care, and i really really really want you, and i think i'm kinda scared, 'cause i don't want to loose you, if you're really really really there, then maybe you could hang through, i hope you'd understand, it's nothing to you

tlc 'damaged' 

space

i opened up and let you in
into this twisted world that i live
that was just a preview for what's to come
for i am layers of complications

can we get pass this, i hope so
i let myself vulnerable yet one more time
i am a girl when i'm with you
i'm defenseless when it comes to you

so here we are, in my twisted world
i know you're confused
i know you're adjusting
but i hope you're not upset

so right now
i'm letting you be
i'm giving you space
my world takes a while to adjust to
but i hope you stay
i hope you'll cope
i hope you're it

a tale of the oz

hey,

come here

sit by me

let me tell you of an ongoing fairy tale

on how a wicked witch became a princess

come, sit by me

let me tell you about how she started

alone in the land of oz

you ask why she became wicked?

ow it's just another age-old tale

she was searching for perfection

yet perfection never came

then the witch met a god

who promised her a spot on mount olympus

who promised her she'd become a goddess

but aphrodite told her the truth

she was just a mere mortal

she can dress pretty, and feel like a goddess

but she will never become one

cast off from olympus

she was back in the land of oz

she promised herself never to ask for more

for the land of oz was a perfect place for her

she embraced the solitude

for it was the perfect scene for her

she started to accept

that was her perfection

don't think she never invited to other worlds

she had been invited, many times

but the scene in olympus scarred her

she decided

she preferred the land of oz

the solitude was comforting

then lo and behold

a raggedly handsome traveler dropped by

he said he was from a faraway land

he said he was weary and needed a rest

the witch was reluctant

but she was not all wicked

she let him come, and rested

then she saw that he was wounded

she ignored the wound at first

she didn't want to deal with it

she was wounded herself

but then again, she was not all wicked

she could not ignore it

unbeknownst to him, she tended his wound

she did it from afar

afraid of the human touch

afraid of the emotional attachment

when days became weeks and weeks became months

the traveler still stayed in the land of oz

the witch became anxious and battling herself

she wanted him to leave for she preferred her solitude

yet every time she tried to banish him

she found that the words would not come out

each time when she wanted him to leave

she always found a reason for him to stay

this is where the plot thickens

this is where the twist happens

little did the witch know

when she tended his wounds

she lost her wickedness

little by little

then one day

the traveler came up to her

and told her that he was a prince from faraway land

he was there to end her curse

stripped off her wickedness

and made her his princess

he dressed her up in love

and took her to his castle

where they build their own little world

this is the part when i supposed to say

then they live happily ever after

but like i said

this is an ongoing fairy tale

the story still go beyond this little tale

the story did not end here

still much more to come

the story might not be all happy

but the story will be about a princess and a prince

for now

this is the end of the tale

how a wicked witch became a princess

swept away to the castle by a prince

and live in their own little world

kryptonite

what are you?
i've been reading the same sentence for the third time
trying to get the meaning
but nothing

you clouded my thoughts
all i can think is what you're doing
what are you thinking
am i on your thoughts

what are you??
i'm trying to write my thoughts
but nothing inspires me
not that it had gone dry
but you've occupied my inspirations

what are you?
what have you done to me...

because this is who i am

mas budi asked me the other day, "how do you do it?"

the question caught me off-guard.  i looked at him and said, "do what?"

"writing, i see you doing it, every time we were given a task to write something, you just did.  you rarely stop and think, you just dived in and write.  how do you do that?"

like i said, the question caught me off-guard.  i'm pretty sure mas budi meant that as a compliment.  and this lady is not good with compliments, they're like my kryptonite.  so i told him, "because i love to do it."

it's partly true.  the other part i was supposed to say is that because i am a writer.  i was born to be one, and am one right now.  true i haven't had any book publish, and my writing is mediocre compared to many (and you should see my dad's, things he could do with words!!) i write not because i have to, i write because i love to.

i always wanted to be a writer when i grow up.  seriously, go back to 7-year-old me and she would say that she wanted to become a writer and a poet when she grow up.  weird huh? well, there's nothing normal about me :p

i'm not saying that i'm always bright and witty and up and running when it comes to writing.  like any normal human beings i do get writer's block.  and i hated that.  usually when i think too much into the writing i started to develop that.  and i'm not saying i'm perfected the craft.  there still tons of things i need to improve in my writing.  but i write because i love it.

that is partly why i kinda hate my writing class right now, because they do not teach me the art of writing. they're teaching me the techniques, i always detest techniques.  for me techniques have no heart, it's empty, it is solid, but it's like frozen food.  all the element is there, but you would still much prefer a home-cooked meal right.  why?  because it has heart, it has human touch.

i understand why they teach me the techniques but not the art though, but i kinda wish the person who is teaching it love writing as much as i do.  not just how to do it right, but how to write with passion.

ow well... this entry is nowhere in the technical side at all... what i want to say is that i'm a writer, i believe i was born to be one, and no matter what i do for a living, i will always be a writer.

party for two

hey,
welcome to our own little world
this dim light corner
where we're having a party for two

a party for you
just the way i pictured it in my head
you and me sitting ever so close

with the dim light
and the candles blown
the wishes said

happy birthday you

weaken

i breathe with difficulty now
for you have taken half of my breath with you
i don't sleep well at night now
since you've been running around my mind even when i'm asleep

i can't think straight now
for you have taken my wits and wisdom
i feel dull sitting next to you
a disturbing thought for someone like me

i feel helpless when i'm with you
suddenly all the strength
the strong woman attitude
faded away when you're around me

you have made me weak
you've made me incompetent
you've made me feel amateurish
you've handicapped me

you've made me a girl again

why it's you

everyday with you is an adventure
every time is different than the last
every time another layer's opened
it was never the same ground

you managed to keep me at the edge of my seat
made my heart beats three times faster
take me to new places
giving me a challenge to work with

there are never dull moment with you
even the silence have meanings
uncomfortable as it is
it was still beautiful

we always seemed to get lost
but every time we get lost
i found a new you
and i discover a new me

you never try to impress
you just do
you never give me sweet phrases
except those times when you call me 'princess'

so stay
keep me on edge
love me

the fork on the road

you were brought to me by chance
and by chance you came
a mantra i live by these day
to help me trust my heart

you were brought to me by chance
and by chance you came
but why did you came?
was it for life or just for a lesson

as small talks turn to deep conversation
as casual exchanges turn into deep thoughts
i sat there not even trying to conceal my concern
i sat there trying to figure out

you were brought to me by chance
and by chance you came
as i sat there trying to digest
trying to analyze every detail in my brain

common sense tell me to pack up and go
every particle of my brain practically screaming
go back!  there's nothing for you here
wake up woman!  you're not that stupid

but every beat in my heart telling me to stay
every beat in my heart telling me to hold on
every beat trying to convince me
every beat trying to apologize

for every bad decision i've made
started with these beat
but still, every beat telling me to take the leap of faith
take the chance...

you were brought to me by chance and by chance you came
my offbeat prince charming
the unlikely knight of the shining armor
my unorthodox hero

you were brought to me by chance and by chance you came

the quest

you're like a puzzle that i have to solve
but i have to collect the pieces one by one
trying to fit them together
to create a beautiful picture

every piece is like a milestone
each of them opens a new mystery
each of them made me curious
made me more intrigued

who are you
what is your greatest fear
what's your favorite color
what do you like to eat
what is your deepest darkest secret...

i'm collecting the pieces
trying to fit in the puzzle
trying to create your picture
trying to fit it in with mine

waiting

it's that time
when love songs have meanings
when i rather lie still and day dream

it's that time
when i become weak
when i become a girl

it's that time
when i refuse to fall
yet failing miserably

it's that time
when i put my heart on my sleeve
and waiting for you to break my fall

curious

i want to know what you're thinking
the first thought when you wake up
what you ponder over when you're sitting still
what you think when you look at me

i want to get inside your head
i want to know you deepest secret
i want to know your utmost desire
i want to be your utmost desire

i want to know what your kiss like
i wonder what your lips feel like
and the fireworks that will burst inside my head
i wonder if i can take the heat and control it

i want to know your soul
i want to be one with you
i want to fall desperately in love with you
for i am starting to right now

saturday the 14th

friday the 13th is sooooo yesterday (pun intended) the new thing is saturday the 14th... what is so special about the day you may ask, well lemme tell you, it's the day when everything became weird :p

it started out normal though.  me and my weekend in this quaint little space of the earth.  i have decided that it'll be the day when i'm going to pamper myself.  so pampered myself i did.  i've booked a spa for the day, so off to pamper myself i go.  and it has been a while since i did anything remotely nice to my body (remember when i put on 20 pounds to it and let it caved in to old age??).

the spa was nice, and i just remembered it was my first facial in probably a year.  when the lady asked me why did it take me so long from one facial to another, i simply said i have no time, when i supposed to say was that i was broke as hell for the last couple years :p

in the middle of the spa, i had an offer that i can't refuse, that is going to the beach.  i love the beach, and i've been told, by the event organizer, Mr. Elpramit (El), this beach was quiet and not a lot of people know about it yet.  so i have to go... i don't swim though, not very well at least.  but i do love the beach.  and there was always something to snap at the beach.  whether it's sunset or children playing.  so i took my uncle's old girlfriend and looking forward for capturing sunset on the quiet beach (i'm back to film these days, partly because i kinda hate the dslr hype that is going on right now, EVERYONE has one!!! and i think i told you this before, it's like seeing annoying teenager in your favorite hangout spot, it kinda ruined it for me).

so the plan was, we leave yogya at 2...scratch that...3 pm, and off to this unknown beach which was 2-hour drive away from yogya.  we're planning to take a car, not mine, since it can only hold 5 people (at most) so i've been told there was a car we can share, so yuyus picked me up with a bike and we left my place to go to the rendezvous point.

okay, part of the delay is probably our fault, since we got lost to meet up in the rendezvous point, but the first surprise of the day was, that we are no longer taking a car.  the car deal fell through, so we are taking the bike for two hour trip to the beach.  the last time i was on the bike that long was when mbak ernie drove me from my house to PU (which is not as far as this beach, but still took as long).  and i remembered my ass was complaining to me (my ass is that big it has a mind of its own).  but i kinda prepared myself for it.  i mean, i did this before, took a long ride with a bike, so no biggie.

so from the planned 3pm departure, we experienced a 1-hour delay (yes partly our fault, only PARTLY :p) still off the beach we go.  before we go, El once again reminded us not to complain (a lot), it was there on the fine print when we signed up for the trip, do not make any complaints.  but it's us, complaining and making El's life a living hell was like second nature for us.  El also told us, right before we go, that we're taking the long way there, because the lady that was riding with him needed to make a stopover somewhere.  well i don't have a mental map of yogya yet, so i complied, plus i did not think it was a big deal, i always love an adventure :) what i didn't realize that we were on a time crunch and the road condition.

this is what happened to a child of the capitol when she was put in the district (okay i know hunger games pun, stay with me here), she would assumed every district have the same luxury as the capitol...as least if it's located on the same island...  what she forgot was how awfully different they were.  streetlights are luxury in here, so when we were going there, i was looking at the scenic, breathtaking as it is, i realized there were no streetlights.  i made a mental note to myself that going back would be an adventure in the pitch dark, not something that i look forward to when riding a bike.

anyway, we were still going, the 7 of us, plus the 'navigator' as El put it. so four bikes, with 8 people who were mentally prepared for a car trip (i had my flip-flop on for two hour bike ride, tells you a lot huh??)  a couple of hilly road later and a near-missed sunset we've arrived on the beach.  and what's a trip without blaming the event organizer, especially when it's El.  ow gosh, if i have to repeat the words we threw at the poor guy, who was taking it like a champ actually.  i mean i really love this guy when it comes to taking the beatings from us, he just laughed at it.  which for me kills the whole joy of throwing sarcasm.  and all those time on the beach, i kept saying, "it's getting dark you know, we should head back."

it's 15 minutes after the dusk, we were still enjoying (if you call throwing endless comments at El is enjoying) the beach.  to be fair to the rest of us, so we do not sound like a bunch of jerks who took El's kindness for granted, the beach, beautiful as it was, kinda blows... i mean, it was a fishing beach, so it wasn't as clean, and it looked like it was done for the day.  so we were the only 8 souls (that i can sense) there.  to make matter worse (for me at least) no cell reception AT ALL!!! (i know i'm kinda a brat when it comes to that, i'm THAT addicted to my smartphone).  anyway, not that i didn't appreciate the view.  but it was getting dark.  and the way there, we have to pass cassava field (which provided no lighting), a couple village (very low lighting), and some more cassava field...and that just get us into the main road, not back to yogya.  the lady (mbak rani) suggested that we should stay over at her place.

ow, and here's the second surprise of the day...no one really sure on how to get back!!  well yuyus and el admitted that they somewhat knew the road, but they weren't so sure. and the rest of us were totally in the dark (literally and figuratively).  i know that google map is out of the option, with the limited cell reception and i personally wasn't looking forward to get lost. with daylight, getting lost is an adventure, but in the pitch dark, with bikes, in no-man's land, that's suicidal.  and luckily i have an aunt who lives there (this made me sound like that one character in bajaj bajuri...who always have an uncle for everything).  i suggested we stay at my aunt's place, since it's just by the beach.  so if they still want to swim on the beach, they can do that early in the morning.  i must be a very convincing person, or they were just scared of me, because they agreed to spend the night at my aunt's place.

but not before we drop mbak rani to her house.  we were all exhausted, looking forward for a nice warm meal and just to sit still.  mbak rani's house is in the opposite direction of my aunt's place.  and that trip is worth another story.  maybe it was me, looking forward to just stay still drinking some warm drink looking over a darkened beach, or i'm just not accustomed to the small talks and the 'hospitality'.  another thing i noticed about me, being the child of the capitol and all.  i never do small talks.  i was always straight to the point, which is considered impolite in this part of the world.

i feel the need to explain myself here.  i was raised in a liberal household.  liberal in the sense that i lost some traditional values such as small talks, partly because my mom is not big on this also.  we prefer being practical.  so i don't beat around the bushes (except for this tiny thing call relationship...we can talk about that later) i say it clear, and i always state my purpose in the beginning.  time is money...at least that's what i was taught.

anyway, back to saturday the 14th, mbak rani's house trip proven to be another surprise.  she was a full-on javanese.  i mean, if it was up to me, i would just drop her off and tell her i still have a long way to go, so i can't drop by.  but no, make note of this boys and girls, you have to drop by.  which was really uncomfortable for me, please don't judge me by this, she was in no condition to entertain 7 strangers, yet she pulled out all the stops to make sure we felt welcome.  she even made us stay for some food, and lemme tell you again in javanese custom 101 (i'm still learning as we go, so feel free to correct me) it is offensive if we refuse the food they gave us.  i, the master of disguise that i am, cannot conceal my exhaustion and desperation to move on.  i was in no mood for eating anything (which reminds me, my last meal today was breakfast...) this attitude, sometimes is scowled by my own mother.  the very same mother who taught me to be practical; if a host prepared a meal for you, you have to eat it no matter what.  i just took a sip of the tea they gave us, which i know made me look like a snob.  at this point i couldn't care less.  i appreciate all this hospitality, but it did feel forced, and to be honest, it made me feel really uncomfortable. well the guys ate the dinner, and as soon as we finished with the meal, we excused ourselves.

then off to my aunt's place where she cooked the meal and we sat down and recalled our day.  we each have different take on it.  i for one, genuinely enjoyed the day.  it has been one of the most interesting day in this month.  i might look like someone who is high maintenance and stuff, but it really doesn't take much to make me happy.  just looking across the table while i'm eating dinner, it made my day.  we went off to the beach albeit the exhaustion.  the salty air boost my mood, and the stars are really out that night my day was not a waste at all.  and i might just had one of the perfect trysts in my life (i hope there are series of that to come).

so that was the weird saturday the 14th for us, and we were talking about it and agreed that maybe saturday the 14th was the day when traveling became weird :)
and we are talking about taking a bus trip to bali (yeah i know, aren't we supposed to study here?? :p)
well, i sure hope it'll happen, but i need to buy a new swimming suit then (since i lost mine).  i sure hope it doesn't fall on saturday the 14th again... but then again, it might be another adventure :)

a little side note, is the small thing in this trip that made it awesome for me.  and i thank you, i can't wait until our next trip :)

morning after thoughts

it's not fair
when you can stand tall while my knees buckled every time i see you

it's not fair
when you can be coy while my heart skipped a beat every time we touch

it's not fair
when you can still make jokes while i lost my wits every time we talk

it's not fair
when you can sleep soundly while i fell so deep

refusing to fall

ache...
i honestly aching for you
is it for you, or the mere feeling of giddiness?

ache...
i physically feel pain in my heart
where it used to beat coldly
now beats painfully
aching for you

i thought i could forget
i thought i could ignore
everything about you
i thought i'd get over it

ache...
if anyone asked this feeling
right now it's just ache

retreat?

i miss you...
but i have decided not to
i decided to forget you
to set you aside

and there you were
you and all your flaws
everything that i love about you
your bitterness, your dismissals, your casual way to show me you're there

you and your flaws
dammit, have i loved you for everything you're not??

without you

i can't win, i can't reign, i will never win this game without you...

my lovely stevie gave me a copy of that song. i don't know how he does it, but it seems like every songs that he gave me eventually have some meaning in my life. at first when he sent me the file, i was turned off by his taste of music. i was like, come on steve, david guetta and usher??? how can that be any good. and as always, when it comes to steve, he's always right.

maybe my state of being at that time couldn't understand the meaning of the song. but right now, i get it. and the song has a whole new meaning, suddenly it came alive and the lyric (cheesy and corny as it is) have a deeper meaning.

for an obvious reason, sort of the same reason why i grinned every time i put on enrique iglesias 'escape', the song put a silly smile on my face. because your face would come up whenever i hear the song. and it is just what i felt at the moment. i mean, i can have everything, but if you're not there when i achieve my goals, i think my life would never be complete.

i can't remember the last time i feel like this, the willingness to share my life with someone. i do have some reservations though, for it's been a while. and i have my own plans, and would you fit in it or not that's a whole another question. but at this moment, this song, describes my feelings perfectly.

i won't run, i won't fly, i will never make it by, without you....

touch

we were sitting side by side

yet it felt so far apart

you're in my right i'm on your left

the distance became unbearable

suddenly the whole thing reversed

you're in my left i'm on your right

our normal hands meet each other

silence...

the static

the anticipation

the heat

the electromagnetic waves between us

pushing us together

trying to get us closer...

and our skin met

i know this feeling

i know this longing

from the time before time

from a dream of a dream

i should know this

i used to live by this

the world became quiet

as they watched us in silence

noticing the touch

the static

the longing

and here i am

still trying to remember

the longing

the feeling

that i used to live by

you've awaken the senses i have long abandoned

you penetrated through darkness and tried to chipped off the wall

brick by brick

and i'm still trying to remember

what is this feeling, this longing, the sense i have long abandoned

from the time before time

from a dream of a dream

big bang

the sun gave birth to earth

nurtured it, and watched it from a distance

as its favorite offspring went through its darkest hour

the sun watched it grow, into the most beautiful planet in this universe

earth grew beautiful and unique

unlike any other

but earth was lonely, it can't stand alone

the universe is too big for earth to be alone

so earth gave a part of itself

to create its mate

earth created moon

beautiful flawless moon

the perfect mate

the perfect companion, for a long journey in this universe

you are my earth and i am your moon

we're in this journey together

this long journey called life

-031912-

run away with me

i have that tune over and over in my head for sometime now. "run away with me" taken from the unauthorized biography of samantha brown. is there any particular reason for that tune to be stuck in my head. at first, no, but now... well i dunno.

if denial is a state of mind, and i'm certainly in denial right now. you know when you're at the fork on the road, thinking to take left or right. i know i should take right. it's the one that i drew up in my map, and it's my frickin' five year plan for god sake!!! but something on the left is intriguing. questioning... made me wonder can i take the left also? what will happen if i do?? would this be the road less taken that i've always longed for??

i still don't know. the left looked tempting at the moment. but the right is my dream. it's all fill with me and me and me. yes, it's a lonely road on the right. but it's the 'happy' road as i know it. but if i swerved left, i never know. i'm not even sure at the moment. it's all vague.

i should just taken my own advice i guess... take my time and enjoy the moment. if it'll pass, it'll pass... if the time comes, i'll know which road i will take. it might be the road less taken, it might be not. i might meet a fellow traveler there, who is as weird as i am, or as passionate as i am, or a simple fact that he can handle my weirdness and make him a companion in this journey.

that's the beauty of life i guess... you never know what will come next. and every choices is connected to the next.

for the moment, i just want to sing 'run away with me' on top of my lungs and let my feelings out. for this fork on the road... i don't know, i guess i'll just sit here and enjoy the view for a while, and make a decision with a clean sober head.

a writer's test...

you want to know how good you are in writing?? well try to write something half-sober and try not to regret it later :p

kinda what i'm doing now...

well i haven't really told you that i've moved to yogyakarta. i'm going to be here for a couple of years to enrich my mind with higher education. and i don't get it, some people are bitching and complaining because they're at school their incomes are drastically plummeted. I mean, what did you expect?? rainbows and unicorns?? *naive*

but to be honest, i'm having a time of my life here. for the first time i'm pumped up to do anything. just not today, i'm just finished doing a late night work due to my perfected procrastination skill...

and now here i am, doing the writer test, i just hope whenever i see this writing sober there are not a lot that i regretted.

well, i'm supposed to rush to my first class now, but i think i'm skipping it today, just the first class to catch some extra zzzzzz there are not much i can learn from the class anyway (not in my state of being at the moment)

so... here it goes, pressing the 'publish post' button :p

stupid

i know what you are

you're just another distraction

to get me off my path

i know you seemed sweet

you filled with candy

that'll decay my teeth

i know what you'll be

another misery

another death of me

see now,

i'm smarter and wiser

i can see you're a distraction

yet why am i still writing about you?

sitting in my room watching the world turns

i'm sorry...

i'm sorry for living yet didn't live it...

i'm sorry for sitting here, and not being out there...

i'm sorry...

that's all i could feel...

i am bound to this chair, and all i could feel is envy...

i envy you

i envy you that you've lived up your life

so i'm sorry,

i've been given much more than you have

but i'm not living it yet...

-for dan & remy-

the path

this is the track i build for myself

the road less taken

the one i chose

to lead me to you

i laid this track carefully

one yellow brick at a time

i laid this track

to lead me to my destination

i see my goal

beyond the horizon

still i can feel you

standing there waiting

it might be long

it might be hard

but i'm taking it

one yellow brick at a time

29 and single...

never thought i will say those words about me...

no wait, i'm lying, i always knew :)

people have been bothering me from left and right, above and beyond, to get a man. my replies these days, i just shrugged and tell them when he'll come, he'll come.

no, i'm not bitter, and i don't care if you think that way. well i might be sarcastic and loner. but i don't bark at random little kids that annoy me. i just bark at old people who nagged me to get married :p no.... i don't do that, unless it was pms, which by then i claim i have nothing to do with it.

with all seriousness... if anyone asked me, i have never been happier than i am right now. it's been that way for a year or so. i found myself in solitude. i found that i can focus more when i'm alone. so i'm calling this period blessing in disguise.

okay, i do admit, at some point of my life i thought i was going to marry at 25. well i'm kinda glad it didn't happen. because if it did, i would miss a lot! not to belittle anyone who chose to marry young, because i believe everyone has their own story and choices. but for me, if i did get married when i was 25, i would miss a lot of opportunities. it's just the kind of person i am. i will choose my family before anything, and probably would never sit here in this room trying to get my master degree. my days would revolve around getting my husband and kids ready to go about their days, shop for their needs, and be the best wife and mother i could be.

not to say that is a bad choice, but compared to this... gun on my head to force the truth out of me, i still say i'd chose to experience life, which i believe i would not be able to have i been married at 25.

true, at this age, i started missing friends. because when they get married, things change. whether you want it or not, things will change. they will have their 'new' and 'upgraded' life, and it will no longer fit the definition of life that you have. but hey, it's life, it's choices, so i'm not saying one way is better than the other. and yes, you could still hang out, just not the way you used to. tough, life goes on :)

do i want to share my life with someone? yes i do, very much! i just don't want that 'someone' to be 'anyone'. and my mother would say, "be realistic, you're almost 30, your time is running out, your choices are limited, so stop being picky." and again, i would shrug and tell her, "when the time comes, you'll be the first to know."

am i opening myself to anyone right now? um... i can't answer that. i mean, right now, i'm in a place where i want to put myself first. so it's kinda tricky, when someone asked me whether i want to get involved with anyone at the moment. what i learned about me is that i can't have too many things going on around me. so, forgive me for sounding so juvenile, for me, being in love, or the idea of a relationship, would mess up my 5-year-plan :)

but not totally closing it, i mean, when the right one comes along, when God permitted him to stroll along my way at the moment, and he's truly the one. i'm not saying no. but i'm not waving signs and say 'marry me please' at the moment either.

so 29 and single... i don't mind, it's just that people around me do mind. and i get it, they're just concern. that's why i never snapped at any of them (at least not the people i don't know, the people i know, would have better judgement than to nag me 24-7). it is hard sometimes, and kinda pathetic when the most dialed number in your phone bill are your parents' :p but i'm in good place right now. really i am :)

the art of taking a test

okay how many of you whine when you hear that you have to take a pop quiz or a test?? okay, understandable...

how many of you started to feel negativity towards yourself and saying outloud that you're going to fail??

REALLY???

see, my sister told me this, i'm good at standardized test. it's kinda true :p i passed or did well on about 90 percent of standardized test i took. so it kind of annoyed me when people are being so negative about it. and i hate sounding cocky, because i know i'm going to pass it, so what i do is just i kept it to myself and myself only. i don't even tell this shits to my mom, it takes the fun out of it :p

wanna know my secrets on rockin' standardized test? well except study really hard (that means look back on old tests and see what kind of stuff they gave in the past, it's standardized test, they kinda have paterns) is that i always believe when i took those standardized test that i'm going to rock it. and i'll have that attitude all the time i was taking the test.

well it doesn't mean that i always feel this way. there's always a time when i'm not so sure whether i'm going to pass or not, but i'm always hoping, even though i might say outloud that i'm worried that i'm going to fail, but there's always a little voice in the back of my head saying that i'm going to do well.

so my advice for you naysayers, start believe in yourself. it's not a crime to say that i'm going to do well in this, because i don't belive there's a crime in admitting that you're good. just don't get too carried away :)

the end of a chapter

i heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who helped us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return, well i don't know if i believe that's true, but i am who i am today because i knew you

every great story has an ending... it's like graduation, it's not because you stop loving it, it's because it's time to move on. i know that my life as an announcer will end sooner or later. just never figured out it would be this soon.

i started wanting to become an announcer back in high school. i was in awe with drew f'n hanson (i think i told this story so many times) the man is great, but i just think he has a shitty luck. but back in the 90s i can say, hands down, he was the greatest announcer i have ever listened to (you can follow him in @thedrewhanson he's more sarcastic these days, but he's still my idol). i was in awe whenever i hear him on the air, and the way that man thinks and ideas in his head, i wish i have that ability. so, ever since i was an avid listener of sunday night 90's in 97.9 wnci, i wanted to be an announcer.

that desire was solidified by carson daly's article in teen people circa '97/'98 (i know deep right?!) well anyway, in that article carson said that he initially wanted to a preacher, because he wanted to touch people's life. and he ended up becoming an announcer which later became mtv vj, and now the tv personnel that you know (or don't :) i don't blame you, but if you are 90's kids and you watched TRL religiously, you KNOW carson daly). well anyway, he said, looking back, he said he didn't regret that he became a tv personnel instead of a preacher. because he said if he became a preacher, he might touched the lives of 200 people in his congregation, but by becoming a tv personnel he touched the lives of millions, and theory proven, he touched my life.

so carson put a meaning in my dream to become an announcer, to touch people lives. i know i sound like pageant girls when i say this. but i truly do want to make a difference. maybe i didn't get as big as carson daly or drew hanson, but at least i got a taste of that. and i know someone was listening, and i hope i contributed something in their lives.

well, aside from that, i have this enormous love for music, but i can't carry a tune even if my life depended on it (don't believe me, ask my sister, and my friends who had endured my karaoke performances), and i don't play any instrument. but i really want to be involved in music somehow. and the only way i know how is to become an air talent, or an announcer :)

plus my long life dream is to become a reporter. well that one didn't work out, but hey i turn out okay i guess :) so radio DJ is a reasonable option for me.

my first radio gig is back in 2001. my mom told me that RRI Pro2 FM was hiring. and lemme tell you something. every time i applied for an announcer job, i have never listened to the radio before :p (that includes this last one, yes ver, i have never listened to indika before i stepped in the 9th floor of mitra building :p) so i went there for an interview, i wore long skirt and shirt (yeah fashionable right?? i wish i took my picture so i can show it to you). so i sit there and lo and behold, i found out that the radio was a 'groovy' radio station that mainly played 'jazz'. uh huh, tell that to a kid to listen to blink 182 religiously that she was going to play jazz in her show. but i don't know what it was that made them to hire me, because i fucked up the voice test like you wouldn't believe. but Denny (gosh for the life of me i don't remember his last name) took a chance on me and call me back to re-do the audition.

needless to say, by some divine intervention and pure dumb luck i got the gig. omigod, i thank god that RRI doesn't have an air check of my early days. i do have them, but i'm keeping it to myself, there is no way i'm letting that goes online :p i was BORING as hell :) but in Pro2 i learned the basic to be an announcer. i learned that being an announcer would not make you rich, but i will give you a platform to be famous and (hopefully) rich. i learned to operate the mixer (gosh i will miss the mixer) and yes we used tape back then (rewind and fast-forward anyone???) and eventually (and honest to god i say this eventually) we got cd players!!! but that's like after i been there a while. so the first 6 months i was there, i got to know the tape player so well. and back then, we can't just come in and sit and announce, we literally have to be there an hour before the show, prepare the materials (remember kids, this was pre-internet era, there was internet, but not as cheap and readily available like these days), setting the tape (that means rewinding/fast-forwarding the tape to the certain song that you want to play...remember tape?? :p), and just pretty much getting your shit ready. so in Pro2 i didn't only learn things about radio, i learned a lot about life :) (which some lessons seems to evaporate when i got into my government job :p)

after Pro2, i was on hiatus for a while, and then i took a gig at Plus FM Bogor. If you're looking for Plus FM right now, don't bother, it's no longer existed. it went bankrupt. but the thing was Plus FM is the radio where i was able to express my creativity freely. my most controversial show was 'your request, my request' where i told the listeners i could not take any more of their 'mainstream' picks and give them another option instead. well, as you know people hated to be told they suck... i got sms like crazy telling me to go to hell. then i picked up this 'whatever' personality that sticks with me until this day.

after Plus FM, i graduated from college, and glad finally i got to choose my own path (or i thought i could at that time) anyway, a friend of mine in college, nugie, told me this 'indika' radio is opening for an announcer. so i sent them my cv and they called me for an interview and a voice test. lemme tell you, i'm the greatest faker in the world. why the hell did you think i passed all those written test?? because i'm fucking awesome that's why!!! :p

needless to say, after a grueling process, i got the gig. and finally!!! Indika FM was like the first REAL radio that i worked in. they actually have producers, an MD that picked the songs for you, and operator who was there 24-7.

i LOVE my job in Indika. i was announcer first, others second. seriously, if it was my choice, i'll still in the business doing stuff. but that's not the way my road went.

but let me tell you, these years i spent in Indika was one of the greatest years in my life. like i say, i got a lot of milestone in my adult life in indika. I went through all my 4 boyfriends in indika :p so yes, the operator saw me pathetically crying because the guys dumped me (yep, i've been dumped in 3 out of 4) i was proposed to in the lounge by my ex-boyfriend (i said no of course, had i said yes, i probably pregnant with my 2nd child right now).

and most importantly in Indika, i got to know wonderful wonderful people who put colors in my life. words couldn't describe how much they mean to me. because in Indika, i rediscover myself, and became who i am right now.

like i say, every beginning must have an ending, that's the way the universe works. and lemme tell you, this is the best ending i could envision for this. i'm giving up this dream for another dream. it hurts of course, like hell, because being an announcer was my life. i defined myself as such, and i guess i have to redefined it, but i believe, once an announcer, always an announcer. i'm not saying that indika will be my last gig ever, but it's my last gig for a while. and who knows, i might pull a michael jordan on you guys :) but i got to do this. and i am excited for what might come next in my life

tonight, i am closing a chapter in my life. but it's not a definite ending. i'd like to think i'm giving it a cliffhanger :p because once an announcer will always be an announcer, or what i used to say, once you got a hold of a mic, you could never let it go (just ask pak agus...okay sorry that was an inside joke :p)

i would like to thank everyone who has made this chapter one of the most wonderful chapter in my book of life. i hope we can keep in touch, i know i suck at keeping in touch, but i'll try my best :)

last but not least, ver, if the backstreet boys had an interview in indika, can i crash in??? :p

anyway, thanks a lot Indika, Plus FM, and Pro2, and now off to new chapter in my life, wish me luck, and i wish everyone the best and i hope in the future we can work together again :)

who can say if i've been changed for the better, i do believe that i've been changed for the better, because i knew you, i have been changed for good...

fireworks

i can't remember the first time i've seen fireworks... i mean those big over the top fireworks, not the one i used to play when i was a kid. but i remember that i was in awe, the whole time the show was going. i think it was after a buckeye's game outside my apartment, or was it the fourth of july... no couldn't have been fourth of july, i came to columbus after that.

anyway, it was always a spectacle for me, fireworks. it always reminded me of warm summer, or the time we went downtown to see the fireworks up-close on the fourth of july (i know cliche, but hey it's the midwest). and i remember one time this undergrad that i hang around with, anggi, tried to capture it, but he forgot to change the mode on his camera (mind you it was pre-dslr days, we used film back then, nothing can do to salvage the shots, on a side note, i always wonder what happened to anggi...so if you know anyone by the name of Bambang Sugiarto but goes by Anggi, please give me a shoutout). well anway, fireworks always fascinates me. well, it wasn't common in indonesia back then.

but now, fireworks are kind a thing in here, and they're always present in huge events. although it does take me back to those days of summer when we stood in our backyard or the parking lot trying to get he best angle to see it, the fireworks here don't have the same magic. back in columbus, they're all colorful and has kinds of tricks i haven't seen here yet. i long for the fireworks in columbus, i long for humid summer nights, chasing fireflies, watching football, calling up my friend ala' and talked until our ear hurts (we talk on landlines so no, i'm not in danger of any brain tumor...well not because of talking on the phone too much i'm sure). i miss columbus, deeply, and someday, and i hope really soon, i can be there again on the fourth of july seeing fireworks in columbus sky.

meeting the witch

it's no secret that i LOVE wicked... i love the book, the story, and i love elphaba. like betty suarez said "a green socially awkward witch... hey look at me!"

i relate closely to elphaba, i love her! and when ugly betty introduced me to the musical (i know sue me, i know the musical from ugly betty) i was immediately hooked. i searched for the performance, downloaded 'defying gravity' and know the words like passage from the holy book.

when i found out that wicked is playing in singapore, i was stoked. i mean, it's so close, i HAVE to go. well, due to my financial situation at the moment, it's kinda out of the question. i mean the trip and tickets and lodging would take at least 2 months of my salary... that's AT LEAST. so i didn't even try. because i don't want to end up in stacks of debt anymore. but i guess if you want something so bad, there's always a way huh? it so happened that my company is taking a year-end-trip to singapore. and the stars aligned... it seems that i'm going after all...

the trip was postponed a couple of time, i almost thought i won't get to see the musical... but at last we went!!! and i was stoked. i mean, at last, i'm going to go and see the green witch in person (well sort of).

so the day came, when i stepped in the theater and looked at the stage i have to take a deep breath. at last! (i know dorky right?) and it wasn't like the best seat in the house or anything... it's nosebleed seats (can i use that term for seeing a musical or is it strictly sport-related? ow well...) anyway, i can't wait and once the guy announced the usual announcement about photography and recording are strictly not permitted i sat right up.

as the orchestra began, the monkeys came out, the citizen of oz started singing 'she's dead!' i didn't sit back once for the whole 2 something hours.

see i love 'defying gravity' and can't wait for it to come out. but that's kinda all i know from the playbill. well, that and 'for good' and 'as long as you're mine'. but i haven't heard the other songs... and i'm truly in love with 'what is this feeling' and 'not that girl' it's on high rotation on my cd player :)

all in all, i would say one of the highlight in my adult life, that would be seeing the wicked witch in person... for i am an avid apprentice :)

on a side note, not fully related to the subject.... i just realize, i'm kinda a musical dork :p i would blame this to my parents, who supplied me with sounds of music, the king and i, and chitty chitty bang bang in my childhood. and during my high school freshmen year, this senior, lucas something (i forgot his last name) he introduced me to 'phantom of the opera' as he sang 'music of the night' to me (well not in the romantic way, it was more he show off how cool the song was) and i just become a musical geek. true i'm not like all-informed. but i'm a big sucker for musical. i just realized that as i went on and on to my friend when i was picking up the musical soundtrack cds and she was just looking at me with a weird look... :)

these idle moments

in a new corner of the world

trying to get a glimpse of you

trying to taste a little bit of you

oh how i miss you so

i don't know if our path going to cross

but i know if it is, it'll be for life

i know you'll be my better half

you are me in every sense

so in this new corner of the world

i'm trying to drink you in

trying to forget how much i miss you

and how much i long for you

but i can't

i kept wanting more

i kept going back

i kept wanting you

i know you'll be my better half

i know you'll be with me for life

i don't know when we'll meet though

but when we do, it'll be for life