corner of my world

the art of taking a test

2012-02-14T06:03:00.002+07:00

okay how many of you whine when you hear that you have to take a pop quiz or a test?? okay, understandable...

how many of you started to feel negativity towards yourself and saying outloud that you're going to fail??

REALLY???

see, my sister told me this, i'm good at standardized test. it's kinda true :p i passed or did well on about 90 percent of standardized test i took. so it kind of annoyed me when people are being so negative about it. and i hate sounding cocky, because i know i'm going to pass it, so what i do is just i kept it to myself and myself only. i don't even tell this shits to my mom, it takes the fun out of it :p

wanna know my secrets on rockin' standardized test? well except study really hard (that means look back on old tests and see what kind of stuff they gave in the past, it's standardized test, they kinda have paterns) is that i always believe when i took those standardized test that i'm going to rock it. and i'll have that attitude all the time i was taking the test.

well it doesn't mean that i always feel this way. there's always a time when i'm not so sure whether i'm going to pass or not, but i'm always hoping, even though i might say outloud that i'm worried that i'm going to fail, but there's always a little voice in the back of my head saying that i'm going to do well.

so my advice for you naysayers, start believe in yourself. it's not a crime to say that i'm going to do well in this, because i don't belive there's a crime in admitting that you're good. just don't get too carried away :)

the end of a chapter

2012-01-31T00:57:00.004+07:00

i heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who helped us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return, well i don't know if i believe that's true, but i am who i am today because i knew you

every great story has an ending... it's like graduation, it's not because you stop loving it, it's because it's time to move on. i know that my life as an announcer will end sooner or later. just never figured out it would be this soon.

i started wanting to become an announcer back in high school. i was in awe with drew f'n hanson (i think i told this story so many times) the man is great, but i just think he has a shitty luck. but back in the 90s i can say, hands down, he was the greatest announcer i have ever listened to (you can follow him in @thedrewhanson he's more sarcastic these days, but he's still my idol). i was in awe whenever i hear him on the air, and the way that man thinks and ideas in his head, i wish i have that ability. so, ever since i was an avid listener of sunday night 90's in 97.9 wnci, i wanted to be an announcer.

that desire was solidified by carson daly's article in teen people circa '97/'98 (i know deep right?!) well anyway, in that article carson said that he initially wanted to a preacher, because he wanted to touch people's life. and he ended up becoming an announcer which later became mtv vj, and now the tv personnel that you know (or don't :) i don't blame you, but if you are 90's kids and you watched TRL religiously, you KNOW carson daly). well anyway, he said, looking back, he said he didn't regret that he became a tv personnel instead of a preacher. because he said if he became a preacher, he might touched the lives of 200 people in his congregation, but by becoming a tv personnel he touched the lives of millions, and theory proven, he touched my life.

so carson put a meaning in my dream to become an announcer, to touch people lives. i know i sound like pageant girls when i say this. but i truly do want to make a difference. maybe i didn't get as big as carson daly or drew hanson, but at least i got a taste of that. and i know someone was listening, and i hope i contributed something in their lives.

well, aside from that, i have this enormous love for music, but i can't carry a tune even if my life depended on it (don't believe me, ask my sister, and my friends who had endured my karaoke performances), and i don't play any instrument. but i really want to be involved in music somehow. and the only way i know how is to become an air talent, or an announcer :)

plus my long life dream is to become a reporter. well that one didn't work out, but hey i turn out okay i guess :) so radio DJ is a reasonable option for me.

my first radio gig is back in 2001. my mom told me that RRI Pro2 FM was hiring. and lemme tell you something. every time i applied for an announcer job, i have never listened to the radio before :p (that includes this last one, yes ver, i have never listened to indika before i stepped in the 9th floor of mitra building :p) so i went there for an interview, i wore long skirt and shirt (yeah fashionable right?? i wish i took my picture so i can show it to you). so i sit there and lo and behold, i found out that the radio was a 'groovy' radio station that mainly played 'jazz'. uh huh, tell that to a kid to listen to blink 182 religiously that she was going to play jazz in her show. but i don't know what it was that made them to hire me, because i fucked up the voice test like you wouldn't believe. but Denny (gosh for the life of me i don't remember his last name) took a chance on me and call me back to re-do the audition.

needless to say, by some divine intervention and pure dumb luck i got the gig. omigod, i thank god that RRI doesn't have an air check of my early days. i do have them, but i'm keeping it to myself, there is no way i'm letting that goes online :p i was BORING as hell :) but in Pro2 i learned the basic to be an announcer. i learned that being an announcer would not make you rich, but i will give you a platform to be famous and (hopefully) rich. i learned to operate the mixer (gosh i will miss the mixer) and yes we used tape back then (rewind and fast-forward anyone???) and eventually (and honest to god i say this eventually) we got cd players!!! but that's like after i been there a while. so the first 6 months i was there, i got to know the tape player so well. and back then, we can't just come in and sit and announce, we literally have to be there an hour before the show, prepare the materials (remember kids, this was pre-internet era, there was internet, but not as cheap and readily available like these days), setting the tape (that means rewinding/fast-forwarding the tape to the certain song that you want to play...remember tape?? :p), and just pretty much getting your shit ready. so in Pro2 i didn't only learn things about radio, i learned a lot about life :) (which some lessons seems to evaporate when i got into my government job :p)

after Pro2, i was on hiatus for a while, and then i took a gig at Plus FM Bogor. If you're looking for Plus FM right now, don't bother, it's no longer existed. it went bankrupt. but the thing was Plus FM is the radio where i was able to express my creativity freely. my most controversial show was 'your request, my request' where i told the listeners i could not take any more of their 'mainstream' picks and give them another option instead. well, as you know people hated to be told they suck... i got sms like crazy telling me to go to hell. then i picked up this 'whatever' personality that sticks with me until this day.

after Plus FM, i graduated from college, and glad finally i got to choose my own path (or i thought i could at that time) anyway, a friend of mine in college, nugie, told me this 'indika' radio is opening for an announcer. so i sent them my cv and they called me for an interview and a voice test. lemme tell you, i'm the greatest faker in the world. why the hell did you think i passed all those written test?? because i'm fucking awesome that's why!!! :p

needless to say, after a grueling process, i got the gig. and finally!!! Indika FM was like the first REAL radio that i worked in. they actually have producers, an MD that picked the songs for you, and operator who was there 24-7.

i LOVE my job in Indika. i was announcer first, others second. seriously, if it was my choice, i'll still in the business doing stuff. but that's not the way my road went.

but let me tell you, these years i spent in Indika was one of the greatest years in my life. like i say, i got a lot of milestone in my adult life in indika. I went through all my 4 boyfriends in indika :p so yes, the operator saw me pathetically crying because the guys dumped me (yep, i've been dumped in 3 out of 4) i was proposed to in the lounge by my ex-boyfriend (i said no of course, had i said yes, i probably pregnant with my 2nd child right now).

and most importantly in Indika, i got to know wonderful wonderful people who put colors in my life. words couldn't describe how much they mean to me. because in Indika, i rediscover myself, and became who i am right now.

like i say, every beginning must have an ending, that's the way the universe works. and lemme tell you, this is the best ending i could envision for this. i'm giving up this dream for another dream. it hurts of course, like hell, because being an announcer was my life. i defined myself as such, and i guess i have to redefined it, but i believe, once an announcer, always an announcer. i'm not saying that indika will be my last gig ever, but it's my last gig for a while. and who knows, i might pull a michael jordan on you guys :) but i got to do this. and i am excited for what might come next in my life

tonight, i am closing a chapter in my life. but it's not a definite ending. i'd like to think i'm giving it a cliffhanger :p because once an announcer will always be an announcer, or what i used to say, once you got a hold of a mic, you could never let it go (just ask pak agus...okay sorry that was an inside joke :p)

i would like to thank everyone who has made this chapter one of the most wonderful chapter in my book of life. i hope we can keep in touch, i know i suck at keeping in touch, but i'll try my best :)

last but not least, ver, if the backstreet boys had an interview in indika, can i crash in??? :p

anyway, thanks a lot Indika, Plus FM, and Pro2, and now off to new chapter in my life, wish me luck, and i wish everyone the best and i hope in the future we can work together again :)

who can say if i've been changed for the better, i do believe that i've been changed for the better, because i knew you, i have been changed for good...

fireworks

2012-01-23T20:40:00.003+07:00

i can't remember the first time i've seen fireworks... i mean those big over the top fireworks, not the one i used to play when i was a kid. but i remember that i was in awe, the whole time the show was going. i think it was after a buckeye's game outside my apartment, or was it the fourth of july... no couldn't have been fourth of july, i came to columbus after that.

anyway, it was always a spectacle for me, fireworks. it always reminded me of warm summer, or the time we went downtown to see the fireworks up-close on the fourth of july (i know cliche, but hey it's the midwest). and i remember one time this undergrad that i hang around with, anggi, tried to capture it, but he forgot to change the mode on his camera (mind you it was pre-dslr days, we used film back then, nothing can do to salvage the shots, on a side note, i always wonder what happened to anggi...so if you know anyone by the name of Bambang Sugiarto but goes by Anggi, please give me a shoutout). well anway, fireworks always fascinates me. well, it wasn't common in indonesia back then.

but now, fireworks are kind a thing in here, and they're always present in huge events. although it does take me back to those days of summer when we stood in our backyard or the parking lot trying to get he best angle to see it, the fireworks here don't have the same magic. back in columbus, they're all colorful and has kinds of tricks i haven't seen here yet. i long for the fireworks in columbus, i long for humid summer nights, chasing fireflies, watching football, calling up my friend ala' and talked until our ear hurts (we talk on landlines so no, i'm not in danger of any brain tumor...well not because of talking on the phone too much i'm sure). i miss columbus, deeply, and someday, and i hope really soon, i can be there again on the fourth of july seeing fireworks in columbus sky.

meeting the witch

2012-01-11T11:50:00.002+07:00

it's no secret that i LOVE wicked... i love the book, the story, and i love elphaba. like betty suarez said "a green socially awkward witch... hey look at me!"

i relate closely to elphaba, i love her! and when ugly betty introduced me to the musical (i know sue me, i know the musical from ugly betty) i was immediately hooked. i searched for the performance, downloaded 'defying gravity' and know the words like passage from the holy book.

when i found out that wicked is playing in singapore, i was stoked. i mean, it's so close, i HAVE to go. well, due to my financial situation at the moment, it's kinda out of the question. i mean the trip and tickets and lodging would take at least 2 months of my salary... that's AT LEAST. so i didn't even try. because i don't want to end up in stacks of debt anymore. but i guess if you want something so bad, there's always a way huh? it so happened that my company is taking a year-end-trip to singapore. and the stars aligned... it seems that i'm going after all...

the trip was postponed a couple of time, i almost thought i won't get to see the musical... but at last we went!!! and i was stoked. i mean, at last, i'm going to go and see the green witch in person (well sort of).

so the day came, when i stepped in the theater and looked at the stage i have to take a deep breath. at last! (i know dorky right?) and it wasn't like the best seat in the house or anything... it's nosebleed seats (can i use that term for seeing a musical or is it strictly sport-related? ow well...) anyway, i can't wait and once the guy announced the usual announcement about photography and recording are strictly not permitted i sat right up.

as the orchestra began, the monkeys came out, the citizen of oz started singing 'she's dead!' i didn't sit back once for the whole 2 something hours.

see i love 'defying gravity' and can't wait for it to come out. but that's kinda all i know from the playbill. well, that and 'for good' and 'as long as you're mine'. but i haven't heard the other songs... and i'm truly in love with 'what is this feeling' and 'not that girl' it's on high rotation on my cd player :)

all in all, i would say one of the highlight in my adult life, that would be seeing the wicked witch in person... for i am an avid apprentice :)

on a side note, not fully related to the subject.... i just realize, i'm kinda a musical dork :p i would blame this to my parents, who supplied me with sounds of music, the king and i, and chitty chitty bang bang in my childhood. and during my high school freshmen year, this senior, lucas something (i forgot his last name) he introduced me to 'phantom of the opera' as he sang 'music of the night' to me (well not in the romantic way, it was more he show off how cool the song was) and i just become a musical geek. true i'm not like all-informed. but i'm a big sucker for musical. i just realized that as i went on and on to my friend when i was picking up the musical soundtrack cds and she was just looking at me with a weird look... :)

these idle moments

2012-01-04T18:58:00.002+07:00

in a new corner of the world

trying to get a glimpse of you

trying to taste a little bit of you

oh how i miss you so

i don't know if our path going to cross

but i know if it is, it'll be for life

i know you'll be my better half

you are me in every sense

so in this new corner of the world

i'm trying to drink you in

trying to forget how much i miss you

and how much i long for you

but i can't

i kept wanting more

i kept going back

i kept wanting you

i know you'll be my better half

i know you'll be with me for life

i don't know when we'll meet though

but when we do, it'll be for life

a confession

2011-10-28T15:27:00.003+07:00

last night, i spent my night with couple of my college friends, i kinda needed it. went out to karaoke night, where i (tried to) belt out nicki minaj's 'super bass'. anyway, one of the friend kinda have the same profile as i. in our late twenties and not in a rush to settle down. part of it because we had our 'serious' relationship when we were in college. we spent a good 7 years with a guy we later broke up with. and after that long relationship, we've been having trouble with dating in general. whether it's dating an unavailable guy, or for me is the series of assholes i've dated :)

anyway... for the first time that night, i've been able to say it out loud. i hate to be a person who has regrets, but i do have regrets. i regretted that i didn't break up with my first boyfriend sooner. i was so afraid no one would ever want me after him, i'm sticking with him for 7 years. i knew in year 2 that it will never work out. but i was so infatuated with perfection, and being a one-man-woman (uh huh... don't judge me, i was very young). i regretted that i spent my college years with just one guy, and very much regretted that i missed out in my youth. i didn't have college experiences (getting drunk, threesome, coming home in the wee hour in the morning, party 'till dawn, smoke weed, or the positive things, being exchange student, going around the world, travel). i didn't have those experiences, because i was settling with the guy i was with. he was a simple man, think that traveling is a waste of time, going to concerts and parties are waste of money, so i settle. i obeyed. i became domesticated. i even dreamed about being a wife who took care of her husband, have his clothes laid out in the morning, make his morning coffee the whole nine miles.

i know right?!

so i regretted that i missed out on lots of things. that's one thing i wish i can re-do. i want to go back to my sophomore year and just make a clean break. and experience life! but i guess without that experience, i won't become the person that i am right now, i have one less mistake, but lots to gain.

well, enough with the land of what-ifs. but just so you know, i do hate myself for this, but i have regret. that is not ending relationships when i should have.

All for one...

2011-10-22T22:16:00.002+07:00

therefore we fall...

i'm sorry, another bad pun. but that's what i felt when i was watching the newest installment of alexander dumas' "the three musketeers". no, i did not read any of the reviews when i went and see this movie, so totally virgin... other than the fact that i know the cute percy jackson, logan lerman is going to be d'artangan and mr. d'arcy, matthew macfayden is going to be athos. i have no expectation other than how this movie is going to live up to the 1993 version that i love so much.

well... i don't know, all i got was...meh

chris o'donnell's d'artangan was...legendary for me at least. i mean, he's witty, sarcastic, and the level of cockiness was just right. logan lerman's d'artangan had cocky written all over it. well he's a bit funny, sarcastically, but for me, it's over-cocky... i know, i have high expectation for d'artangan... he's one of my favorite heroes.

the story line was edgy...to say the least. i mean, flying ships...come on. i know, maybe i'm a classic girl, i demanded a classic rendition of the movie. so when it comes to the edgy stuff, i'm on the fence. i mean the flying ships thing no no... but the flamboyant king and duke that's when i high-five the writers. king louis stole the movie for me. i love him! it's a new side of the king to explore. we know how ridiculous the royals those days...and he got it spot on for me.

by the by, god bless CGI huh? now the cost of the production could be lower because of that. you don't have to travel around the world, or let bad weather slows your production. all you have to do is think up of a scenery, and bam! right out of your green screen. but it is beautiful nonetheless. and i love the musketeer's house. one more lovable character, is the servant planchet. i want to pinch him all through the movie... he's like...baby huey, sans the clumsiness and accident prone.

another surprise was... wait for it... it'll be another franchise like the pirates of the caribbean. because the ending was a cliffhanger, and REALLY opens up for a sequel... so i guess we'll be seeing a lot more logan with his extension huh?

the latter was a mistake to read it online before i watched the movie, because half of the time i was paying attention to his hair and looking for clues for the extension (dude, if it shows on the movies they probably have edited it, duh! it's 2011 for godsake).

anyway... it was a great entertainment, but sadly for me, those spectacular effects, the edgy story line, not really buying it. still i love the 1993 film.

but there is the dialogue that i like between d'artangan and constance:

constance : are you always this cocky

d'artangan : only on tuesdays and when there is a really beautiful woman around (i don't remember the verbatim, but you got the idea)

constance : so i'm a beautiful woman

d'artangan : no, it's tuesday

how do you know....

2011-10-17T20:45:00.002+07:00

that is the million dollar question in a relationship. how do you know that the person you're with is the one. i mean, tens of thousand theories, and all proven to be just bliss... but one theory still stands, you know he/she is the one is when that person makes you a better person.

i'm not bs-ing... i've seen it in real life (we're beginning to sound like a tagline now :p) but seriously. i've seen it myself, on my dearest cousin. see, i don't have a big brother, and for some reason, i see my cousin, mas oi, as a big brother i never have. no, we're not really that close, but for some reason, his presence, in a hostile environment, or in tough situation, makes me feel safe. anyway, he is one of the few other species in my family. see, in my extended family, we got two species, loud and louder, and the others.... well he's the others. and he rarely blend in with us, he usually passed on our shindig, because i guess we're too loud for him :)

but lately, something changed. mas oi has a girlfriend!! i mean, he had girlfriends before, but this one is different, and i know it. i mean, i noticed the changes on him, he probably doesn't know this (now he knows, if he reads this entry) that i always pay attention to everything he does. well, lately, he became approachable. for me at least, i mean, our relationship has always been 'formal' but lately we talked, small talks, not only things we need to talk about. and one thing that was surprising for me too, he came to our annual gathering after eid!! see, we the kids have this annual gathering thing every year after eid, that would be the only time we're like in complete formation. so me and my cousins all gather in a place, and just hang. best time ever for me, but because mas oi was not really into it, he usually didn't go. but this year, he went, and he came with his girlfriend, mbak novi. he was different, and i'm not the only one who notice, my baby cousin rara did too. he had this glow in his face, he looked happy, he still looks happy right now.

see, the one would change you, in a good way, the way mbak novi changes mas oi. so how do you know if he/she is the one... he/she will change you, in a good way. he/she makes you a better person, not only for each other, but for other people surrounding you guys.

so i'm waiting, for that person, who will make me a better person, for everyone. i know he's out there, we just haven't run into each other yet :)

the reunion in neighborhoods

2011-10-09T18:33:00.005+07:00

the day has arrived... my copy of "neighborhoods" is here!!! i am excited as a 16 year old going to the prom with her high school crush. i can't wait to listen to it, the band that i look up to ever since... i can't remember.

yes i have an eclectic taste in music. there is no other shelf where you can find backstreet boys, n'sync and westlife next to foo fighters, koRn, pearl jam and blink 182. sue me.

anyway, i fell in love with mark, tom and travis when i saw their "what's my age again" video clip. i was hooked to the song, and i think what they did in the video was balsy (pun intended) and everything started form that. i know, for all of you older blink fans, you'd probably say i caught them in the mainstream, yeah i'm the late bloomer. but i can't get myself away from blink. after 'what's my age again' i bought the copy of "enema of the state" and vowed if i ever make a band, it'll be modeled after blink 182.

the band thing never happened :) but i stuck with what i can do best, listened to music and catch the hits :p

for neighborhoods, it's like the moment i've been waiting for ever since their announcement to reunite in 2009. as soon as the copy arrived, couldn't stop jumping up and down (literally) and started cranking right away.

well, this is not the blink i knew in 1999, the lyrics is as far away from "wendy clear" or "mutt" as possible. the mood is darker, i bet no more running around naked for mark, travis and tom. or let alone a cover that features the infamous janine lindenmulder. it's like listening to a different band. not a band who grew up, but a different band.

i mean in the famous 'untitled' album (i like this take better than 'self-titled') you can still hear the old blink from some of the lyrics in some of the songs like 'violence' or 'easy target' or 'feeling this'. but this album is a complete departure from the 'old blink' so to speak.

not that i hate it (unlike the other band that i religiously listened to back then who changed their direction completely, their name rhymes with 'blinkin' bark') blink's departure actually acceptable for me. it's like they're growing up with their fans, so to speak. their lyrics capture the complication of adulthood and not about their ever growing manhood anymore (okay bad pun, i'm sorry).

anyway, even though i feel a little disappointed on the side, because sound wise, i hear no blink at all, i mean what i hear was blankva racer +44 (shoot me for these bad puns) but i think i'm learning to love this new band. the 'snake charmer' is one of my favorite. it got this verse 'cause good girl they like to sin' can be one of my collectible best-one-liner. and 'kaleidoscope' is one of my favorite, is one of the few song where mark is the lead singer, what can i say, i love that man better :p sound wise, it's a bit confusing for me, the intros are like too much foreplay before sex. i mean, just get it on already (but i guess that's the not musician side of me). but lyric wise, i bow down to the men... i mean they're just beautiful from 'ghost on the dance floor' to 'even if she falls'.

so, i guess "neighborhoods" is like seeing stiffler or michael kelso becomes an attorney, full suit and all, and suddenly quoting smart stuff. i know, trippy right? but it's not bad, not bad at all, i mean stiffler...er...blink is growing up and going to a positive adult direction (as some of his fans should have) so i just need sometime to get used to. they're still blink in my heart, not naked and singing about erection anymore, but they're still blink, the album still rocks...i just need to get used to the serious adult side of them.

away

2011-10-03T19:41:00.002+07:00

sitting here

in a strange place

strange bars

strange lighting

a departure from my corner of the world

i feel... strange

in your world i feel lost

i feel...indifferent

i want to like it

i want to belong

but i long, for the comfort smiles

the faces that i know

my little corner

the one that i call home

memory of a friend...

2011-09-09T13:02:00.000+07:00

I was sitting here watching TV with the latest hit show on the planet. Suddenly I remembered a friend who had passed. She was my college classmate, passed away on July 2006, only 24 years old. I outlived her by 5 years now.

I remember hearing the news for the first time, in the early morning hours, and I have to read the text 3 times before letting it sink in. I called about 4 people to confirm what had happened. My friend, died.

She was not my close friend. So I didn’t feel so crushed when she passed (please don’t judge me, it’s just how I feel). But I did feel sad for her. She still had so many things to do. She still hadn’t finished her Final Paper for graduation. She never knew how it feels sitting in that hot Balairung, listening to Gadeamus Igitur by the freshmen, taking cheesy picture in front of cheesy backdrop. She never knew Britney shaved her bald, or there is a show called Glee that is addictive. She never knew Facebook or Twitter, or caught on the smartphone crazed. She never knew there is this ridiculous phenomenon in Indonesia called Syahrini, who uttered out stupid catchy phrases. The bimbo that everyone loves to hate. She never knew that Irfan Bachdim joined the Indonesian National Team and became their cover boy.

But most importantly, she never got to see her son grow up. She never got to teach her son to read, or to tie his shoes. She never got to go to her son first day of school.

There are so many things they missed when they passed young. And sometimes I found myself asking, why them not me. Why do I have the chance to outlive these people. Because if I go back, and see their lives, they had lived it…and still had more too offer.

Well… I guess it’s time for me, once again to count my blessings, and live my life to the fullest.

Dear Yulan, you are missed, but I know they’re taking care of you, you had such a pure soul.

linger

2011-08-23T07:50:00.002+07:00

when i close my eyes i see you

you're everywhere surrounding me

in my dreams, in my mind, in every bit of my existence

when i close my eyes you're here

with your smile and that gleam in your eyes

the one that i love so much

and reality rushed in

the fact slapped me in the face

you're not real

you're gone

you're always perfect to me

because i never allowed you in my reality

you only exist in memory

that's why you're always perfect

my imagination kept you beautiful

kept you immortal

i kept hanging on to you

the only perfection i've ever wanted

a letter to no one

2011-07-28T00:13:00.000+07:00

Dear No one,

Before anything, I am going to let you know, that this will be the last time I am regarding you in any way. Because after this, I want you to move on, and if you love me, like you claim you do, then you will respect my wish.

I know you’re looking for answers in why I can’t let you in my life now. I know you feel that what I did is cold and unfair. But this is how it should be. I just can’t be like I was before, when I was with you.

Yes, I loved you, my God did I loved you. I did everything to save whatever we had before. The truth is, we started in shaky ground, and a completely wrong ground also. I started us with a lie, one that I’m not proud of. Nevertheless I was totally in love with us, the nature of our relationship at that moment. I was ridiculously infatuated by our happy ending, one that will defy all odds, so I fought for it. The thing was, I didn’t know when to stop. I kept fighting and fighting for it. I’ve used up all my energy, love and devotion, on just fighting for an idea. An idea I have in my head, of us being happy. In the process of the fighting, I have lost me.

Needless to say, I lost the fight. So I knew my place, and I knew my strength. I gave up. I gave up the idea of us, I gave up every dream I have of us, and I gave up that person who used to be with you. It was really hard to let go, and the process, was not quick. But I went through it. I have moved on.

Now you see, I have thrown away everything that has us in it. Letting that go, was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But strangely, once I let that go, I was completely at peace. I can face myself in the mirror again and see myself as me, not a total failure like the moment you left me. So I hope you do understand, it took all my willpower to let go of that, so it’s not that I can’t go back to that place again, I don’t want to go back to that place.

You’ve asked me, why can’t I put you in my life, why can’t we be friends, just friends. The answer is, we just can’t. I can’t be your friend, nor that I want to. And I am sure, you cannot be ‘just a friend”.

Another reason that I don’t want you in my life is that, I am fine and a much better person without you in it. So I really would like to keep my life that way, without you. I know it seems cold and selfish. But I rather be cold and selfish than be a hypocrite. This is not about revenge, or about me punishing you for walking out on me. I have forgiven you for that, and I understand your actions at that time. But when you came back, you can’t expect everything will be the same, and I will be greeting you with open arms, things changed, I’ve changed.

Like I said, I have let you go, and I can’t let you came back in, for the simple fact that, I just can’t.

I do thank you for everything you have given me. All the things that you did to me, good and bad, made me the strong woman that I am today.

So, again, if you love me, like you claim you do, please leave me be. Do not text me, do not try to locate me, or try to see what I am up to. And if you love me, like you claim to be, please respect my wishes. I wish for now on we will be stranger, like we never knew each other. Should our path crosses someday, I hope you will turn away, as I will do the same. Because after this, let me assure you, I will not regard you in any way.

I hope you have a good life.

All the best,

early july random thoughts

2011-07-06T22:45:00.002+07:00

i recently (not really that recent though) moved out of the house, and live in my own place. at first it's kinda weird, having this big space on my own, but i got used to it. i haven't really finish straightening up the place yet, but it's coming around.

having a house is huge deal, i mean, now i gotta do my own grocery, pay the electricity and my cable bills. i have to cook for myself, or else i starve :p

the thing i found out about me was that, when no one there to pick up after me, or to watch my back, i am really independent. lemme tell you, my mom kinda did a good job on raising me to be a neat freak. i mean, i'm nothing compared to her though, but i do like my house clean, and i can't stand clutters... although, judging from my desk at the moment, things are cluttered up. my i like my organized chaos :) but seriously though, i cleaned my own bathroom (without complaining) i tended the garden, i even took care of the plants like my mother did. it's kinda scary...i'm (dare i say it) growing up.

besides the fact that i'm more like my mom than i would like to admit, what's interesting for me was that the first space of the house that i got done. it was the kitchen. i mean for me, the kitchen is always the focal point of the place i live in. maybe it's my passion of cooking (mind you i'm nothing near a masterchef, but i can whip up an amazing dish). even when kresh came by the house, the first place he went to is the kitchen. kitchen and dining area is the place that i hold dear in a house. i don't care about any other appliances, but my kitchen has to have the best fridge and stove :)

the last room i got done, believe me or not, is my office :p (figures huh) i mean, it was supposed to be the living room (not family room, it's the room we used to greet guests... what would you call that...) but i don't really entertain people much, so i transformed it to be my office. i kinda like the space, i need to pimp it up a little, i mean, i have nothing on my walls yet... but i'll come around to it... *god knows when*

talking about things on the walls, i don't really have anything on my walls yet... i mean i have all these paintings i bought from my last trip, but i dunno, i was never the hanging thing kind... i have to start to hang some stuff though, so this place looks more 'homey'.

i have yet to have my house warming though, it's coming soon, i think i'm going to have it in the month of ramadhan... have some friends over, and break some breads... who knows maybe i'm in the mood to whip up something too :)

well... that's all for today... don't forget to save a date during ramadhan, i'll call you up, and we'll have big dinner at my house, and i also can't wait to have a barbeque in my backyard (i'm still working on my garden, i can hire a landscapist, but it will not be as satisfying :p) so come over to my house, if you're in the neighborhood :)

ps: pictures coming soon :)

a pledge

2011-06-11T20:56:00.002+07:00

it bothers me so much, that it's so hard to get local folktales in the bookstore. but hey, i might have a chunk of responsibility in that. i mean, when i went to a bookstore to pick up some books, i usually took those blockbuster books, not the local books...

so now, i'm taking the pledge, no... i'm not going to the extreme by not buying those great books by michael scott or rick riordan... i'm taking a pledge on balancing my collection of local books and other books :)

so the local stories will still be alive and passed on

now it's your turn

2011-04-22T11:58:00.004+07:00

you've stood there

with your boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'

but i stay still

my cave still sealed shut

i didn't budge

you've sent love letters

quoting shakespeare and emily dickinson

but i pushed you away

at times i looked over my window

just to find out you're still there

still smiling back at me

and then you disappeared

sometime too long

but somehow

you came back

after all the bitterness i gave you

with dragon bites all over

you came back

yet i remained unmoved

still stubbornly sealing shuts

all entrance to the cave

but now, it's me

who stood out here

outside your house

holding out the boom-box

blasting out 'in your eyes'

it's me

looking at your window

hoping you peer out

so i can give you a smile

because, after all these years

i finally realized

it's you!

it's always you!

but i've been silent too long

and you're tired

but i'm still here

with my boom-box blasting 'in your eyes'

with my own words

saying how do i love thee

hoping that you'll take a chance with me

bapak dearest

2011-04-18T20:28:00.002+07:00

my dad, is not my best friend. gosh no he's not. i mean, we're like the odd couple. we fight, a lot. part of it, i guess maybe i reminded him of himself. people say i am the mirror image of him, only i'm a female. but i love my dad, he's annoying, talks a lot, loud, embarrassing at times, but he is the most important man in my life.

in late 2000 my dad was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus. a disease that i would call a friendly killer. my uncle, my dad's twin, was diagnosed with that disease, and he lost his battle with DM. i thought, my dad would skate through it. all these years, i didn't take DM seriously. you'll see why i call it a friendly killer.

DM kinda crept up on you. you didn't know it has consumed you, because you felt fine. others than the slightly over-fatigue, the need to drink constantly, the over-sweating, DM didn't look like a disease. my dad has a hearty appetite, he loves sweets! oh god, he loves his cinnamon buns, or when we made kolak pisang (banana cooked with brown sugar and coconut milk) he loves them. and my mom, my sister, and i did not have the heart to tell him not to eat as much.

but now, i think we should've done something, some tough love. if we did, maybe bapak would not be in the position he's in now. three week ago, my bapak was hospitalized, for a heartburn. little did we know, it was his DM getting worse. see boys and girls, DM likes to party, he doesn't come alone, he has all kinds of friends, the lucky friend he brought to party on my bapak was the neuropathy and nephropathy, which was the failure of the nervous system and kidney respectively. at this moment, he doesn't need a dialysis yet, but his kidney is almost on the stage of kidney failure. he no longer has full control of his bowel, that causes constant constipation for him.

i know i've said this to a lot of people, i am ready for my parent's death, i am. i have everything planned in my head, it's a natural thing right, your parents to go before you do. but i know now, that time is approaching, and i'm afraid it's sooner that i've expect it, now i feel like i'm not ready. i still want to share a lot with bapak. i want my kids to watch tv with my bapak, sitting against his large belly. i want my kids to know how annoying my bapak is when he's ranting about anything, i want them to learn stupid songs from him. i want them to be annoyed in a movie with him, as he commented on every single frame, and i want them to get to know him, and love the grumpy old man.

please god, let my bapak be well, i want him to see my kids, i want him to be able to run around with them, to play around with them. i want him to see me well. i want him to see me be successful, as a mom and as a working mother. please cure my bapak, let him share the best years of our lives.

dear bapak, i know i haven't been a good daughter for you, but i'm trying, and i hope you can see me in my best hour. i love you bapak, please be well, and please be well soon.

awakened

2011-04-09T00:31:00.003+07:00

it's funny

how the answer was there all along

yet it was hidden ever so carefully

you couldn't see it

it's funny

how long it took me

to realize

you've been there all along

after every heartache

after every mistakes

in every void

there was you

you're the one that fills me

you're the one that picks me up

the one that tells me, to walk on

i just hope i'm not too late now

getting lost in the crowd

2011-02-21T09:28:00.003+07:00

that's the thing i long most. to blend in the crowd. but for me, in a way it seems to be hard to do. i naturally stood out. and it's like a gift and a curse at the same time.

among my family, i was always that person who always had stupid interesting stories about her day (during childhood) i had the attention of the crowd without trying, my older cousins picked on me for no apparent reason beside the fact that i was just an easy target.

when i moved to the states, i faded into the crowd, no one seems to notice me, well except the esl children. but go back to my regular high school mates and ask them whether they remember me at all, they would say no. somehow, it feels nice to be a wallflower. i didn't appreciate it when i was in high school, but now i long for that day when i could just get lost in the crowd without being recognized. it's easy to capture human emotion that way when people hardly notice you.

one of my friend told me, that my body language is not inviting, and that was the cause that never landed me a one night stand :) at the moment, i can't figure out why did that. now i know, all these years, i've practiced the art of staying low, i guess i kinda clashed with the art of leave me the hell alone :) and as a person who loves to capture human emotion, i trained myself to be invisible, i trained myself too well...

but you know what, from a person who always stood out in the crowd, i kinda look for a place where i am just another flower on the wall, because i love being there

beautiful homecoming

2011-01-29T20:25:00.023+07:00

i always love bangkok, i always say it's my 3rd home :)

so when i went back there, the first thing i always said when the plane touches down "i'm home". and this time, i'm back to bangkok, visiting lovely friends @ spafa for another exciting adventure in the form of 4-day conference.

i haven't seen any of my spafa friends since that fateful time when the airport closed at the end of november - early december in 2009. so this feelslike reuniting with old friends that became my family fora week i was in bangkok 2 years ago.and this timei was not alone, i was accompanied with a dear friend of mine for more than 10 years, topang (that's the name i called him by and it'll always be the name i'd call him by andyes we're that old) so i know it would be a good time.

on our first day, it was "hi, hello, how are you" day for me and lots of hugs from familiar faces!!!! it was go great to be back among friends, and i was glad that everyone were great. and it's really great to hear kevin's signature laugh again :)

i was a bit confused for the dress code, because i went to a spafa workshop where we're all on our most comfortable outfits. i was on converse all week long,and then i'vebeen to spafa's conference where i was wearing heels and acted all professional :) and this was a conference, but it's for youth. so itried to meet halfway, i packed my dresses, bitch shoes and flats, and abandoned my converse :) turns out it was a mistake for me to abandoned my beloved converse, because kevin told us we candress down. but hey i'm still wearing the bitch shoes for my presentation!!! *hell yeah*

the conference itself delivered everything i remembered about spafa's events, learning and fun!!! i mean, of course the 5-day affair in chiang mai is still one ofthe best time in my life, this conference, kind of gave me glimpses of the memories :)

on the first day, in addition of having cool presentations on howto communicate the dangers of climate change through arts, we had theater workshop at the end of the day. we had to map out our country's problem in the sense of climatechangewith all therecyclables that they provided us. for that afternoon, i've becamecambodian, since there was only one participant from cambodia, and a surprising number of participant from indonesia (i think it also reflected that indonesia is the most populated country in southeast asia :p)

the surprise of the afternoon for me is that one participant, yahya, who came out of nowhere started acting all funny, and blew me and topang away. all in all it was a fun afternoon that day, and i learned so much!!! and it's true, another man's trash is the next man's art project :)

one thing i learned in this trip, me and topang are old and responsible :) if i was two years younger, i would just be out all of the nights, but i had my presentation the next morning, so topang and i collectively opted to stay in for the night, just went out to grab some dinner thenwork on our presentation, topang's presentation is still on wednesday.

the workshops were lots of fun! and i always love ajan (i hope i got the spelling right) wajuppa's session. i was really waiting for the little cricket story though, didn't happen this time :( but hey, we got lots of new stories.

meeting ajan wajuppa made want to pursue the path of cultural studies again, although i know it would be useless in my path of work at the moment, so it made me want to change jobs... *i should've taken the woman studies master program thing omajig*

all in all, the workshop is about fun learning, taking the whole meaning of 'presentation' in another way. not sticking to power point (power boring), and meeting new friends!! meeting young people who are making such a great achievements, made me feel guilty about myself. where was i when i was their age (if you knew the answer, don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question!!! :p) but seeing their accomplishments and where they've been made me realize that i really have to sprint to get where they're at now. maybe by the time they're my age, they've already finished with their doctorate (the thing i have been dreaming for when i was 16, getting my doctorate before 30...) so i really need to run, i need to make my mark, i have to do something, set my name in stone and be someone :)

thank you friends, for a wonderful week, and i hope the relationship we've built for the short time, can last a lifetime!!

thank you twenty ten...

2010-12-31T07:38:00.005+07:00

resolution is such cliche isn't it? i mean i made resolution last year, i don't think i fulfill any of it :p

well i did travel though... :) and it was a fine week...

twenty ten is a roller coaster for me. nevertheless it's the year i know who are my friends and who are my posse (say whaaaaa) :p posse come and go, friends, they stick with you. even when you tell them to butt off. even when you lock the doors, friends still rapped on your window, leave notes under the door, scream through the gates, to let you know that they're there. and friends wait, until you're ready. and when you're ready, friends are there. no hard feelings, no harm done, life goes on.

twenty ten is the year when i fall and rise back up like phoenix. i learned that i am stronger than i thought i am. this year was the year my principle was tested, can i really turn the other cheek. and i did :)

twenty ten is the year of hades *smirk* apollo eclipse, and return, just to say goodbye.

twenty ten is the year i rediscover myself (yet again), make peace with it, and live with it

twenty ten is the year of hope, downfall, and rise up with higher limit

thank you twenty ten, for all the lessons you given me, for every person i met this year, for every acquaintances along the way, thanks.

for twenty eleven, resolutions sounds like a burden... just a silent promise then:

- i promise i will not rush into things, whatever it is...

- i will enjoy every kiss, and try not to let it go further than just kiss

- i will not procrastinate, i will not procrastinate, i will not procrastinate.... (this one is a 'yeah right')

- let's get out of the debt

- i will enjoy every moment

- i will treasure my friends

- i will be a good sister

- i will be a good daughter

- i will be the best aunt :)

- i will be a better cousin, niece, grand daughter, and all that jazz

- and i will be stronger, wiser, and nicer

have a great twenty eleven!!!! let's rock it again....

criticism

2010-12-21T15:35:00.003+07:00

criticism is the hardest thing to take, that's why i rarely publish my stuff, because i'm afraid of criticism. but at the end of the day, i take criticism as a fuel. the more critics i got, made me hungry to prove them better. that i'm capable of more.

but some people take criticism as a put down. they view the critics as a person who has beef with them. lemme tell you something, if you still got this 'unwanted inputs' that means people are still care about you. if they no longer voicing their thoughts to you, wanted or unwanted, means they are giving up on you. it means, you are no longer matter in their lives, it means they have neglected you completely.

so even though it's the hardest and most bitter pill to swallow, believe me when i say this, it's better to get criticize, than getting nothing at all, and you will fall without a warning. how you choose to take the criticism, that's your call. you can take it in, and fix what you think it's right from it, or.... you could just reject it bluntly and do your business as usual... but rest assured, criticisms are not to get you down, but they exist to make you better, and it comes from a place of love.... not hate

you can quote me on that

thank you

2010-12-07T00:33:00.003+07:00

a little while back i thought it's important for people to know my birthday, so i feel a bit important :) feel loved....

but a posting from a certain someone *cough* lucy *cough* made me realize otherwise.

i don't think my bday is a big deal anymore. it's just another day, it's just so happens to be the day i arrived into this world.

today i am given the opportunity just to really thank everyone. thank you, so much. you don't know how much it means to me, all those blessings and wishes.

thank you...

for i am blessed

dancing with myself

2010-10-13T17:58:00.002+07:00

when there's no one else in sight
in the crowded, lonely night
well, i wait so long for my love vibration
and i'm dancing with myself

i didn't really like the song when i first heard it on glee... i know it's billy idol's but the first time i ever heard it was when artie was singing it on glee.

but today, i was dancing with myself. and as it turns out it was what i needed, to have fun with myself *come on, no dirty thoughts* :p

well, anyway, today i excused myself early from the office. no one was really in there anyway, i was guarding an empty office, because everyone were out of town. so, i found out, step up 3d is finally in theaters in here, and i have been waiting for it for quite sometime (not as much as my sister though) but i really need to see some entertaining movie (last movie i watched was the expendables... and yeah... no need to comment :p)

so there i was, just by myself. and i know it's been a while since i been out by myself not escaping from anything (usually i'm off by myself when i'm trying to escape from something this time i just really want to watch some movie). this turns out to be quite fun. and lemme tell you, step up 3d... fan-frickin-tastic!!!!! the dance was sick and wicked! i enjoyed the whole movie, well the script was teenage-ish and the ending was fairy tale... but hey, you can't win anything :) and adam sevani is my new favorite geek!!! the way he moves, oh gosh, it's true, moose is the baddest geek around :)

by the time i get home, i feel recharged, happy and light. and today made me remember what my mom taught me. do everything by yourself, as long as you can do it yourself. well i don't mean to stay single for life, but hey, i can live like this for the time being. ain't nothing bad about going to the movies alone, or eating in a table for one.

and yeah maybe i don't deal with stuff the way a crazy bitch deal with her stuff. i tend to put aside my problem, ignore it, and hope it will evaporate (same thing i did with my work, i wish it'll evaporate :p). and no, i don't really need a guy constantly in my life. i like being single most of the time. i don't have to work my schedule around anyone, i don't have any obligation to tell anyone where i was, or what i was doing, and yes, the best part of being single, is the fact that you can go out with anyone, and not feel guilty afterwards.

being single sucks in a way you have to deal with everything yourself. but i have lucy, pilas, ndut, buriq, oma ika, and my hippo gang to pour out my worries for now. and yeah, once in a while i can flirt with hades too :) that's gotta be some entertainment :p

so let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to think
if i had a chance, i'd ask one to dance
and i'll be dancing with myself

meeting the gods....

2010-10-09T06:31:00.007+07:00

i love going to live music shows as much as the next girl who loves acoustic version of songs. i know except you're in the front row you won't get "up-close and personal" with artist, but the energy from the crowd, singing together your favorite song with other fans, god it's priceless. you can't get it anywhere but live shows.

i always go to these live shows either alone or with friends or family. and all those times i was watching the artist doing their best, i look around the crowd, i always see couples hand in hand watching the show. and i always have a pang in my heart every time i see them. see i've never get to go to a concert with a boyfriend. my first boyfriend is not really into live shows. he thought it was a waste of money to see a musician in a crowded place when you can do it in your living room with watching their live tapes (go figure). i planned to go with apollo to a show, but the artist cancelled the show, with big guy we don't really go out from the bedroom much (or in my case, the car :p)

well, last night, i went and see one of my gods... lyrical god that is. i've been adoring him ever since i heard 'disarm' and i think it's one of the greatest song ever written. billy corgan, is one of the greatest lyricist in my dictionary. he's up there with eminem, imogen, alanis, and kanye on writing songs. they could do no wrong in my book. when i learned that he's going to perform here, on my turf, i've been waiting for years to see him live on stage. first name came up in my mind...hades. for a weird reason (even though i'm still with my big guy at that time, if you can call that a relationship) i thought of hades. i remembered around the time we first met, before the complicated crap between us, hades and i exchanged stories about how he loves the pumpkins and marilyn manson. which was a surprise for me, because hades did not strike me as the pumpkins type, he's more like josh groban-ish. but apparently he went to two of their live shows, and he told me it was amazing. and in that moment, i saw hades in different way, he's not that godly, i saw him as me. a person who is in love with billy corgan.

i really did want to contact him the first time i knew corgan was coming. i wanted to share the joy, but i was being (stupidly) faithful, so i retained myself from contacting hades (god knows what happens when him and i meet, and this is still rated PG). but he contacted me shortly after my break up (go figure, it was a real short, i wonder if we really have that 'rebound' chemistry) and we began to talk again, and the billy corgan topic came up. and we agreed, we're going to go together.

so there i was, seeing my idol (or my lyrical god) for the first time. it's really funny, because i have this picture in my head ever since i know he was coming, i know that i will be there with hades, in any circumstances, either we're going there together or we ran into each other. but i went there with him and another friend. i told hades about my invisible bubble. i think he remembered that, because he was keeping his distance from me. i kind of kicked myself in the ass, because that invisible bubbles has exceptions, few guys fit that category, my best friend since college, one of my best friend in the office, my big guy (obviously), and him. i don't know why, but he is inside the bubble, not the outside (btw luce if you're reading this, remember, i just don't like to be touched by guys, but if you're starting to get too close for comfort, you're out of the bubble).

so the evening went well, i was the typical bimbo who went to a guy concert (early in the evening). because the two guys went to see this local band, supposedly they're cool, the thing is when these guys were just coming out, i wasn't in the country to be wow-ed by them. so i was this bimbo who stood there accompanying these two guys and blurted out stupid comment like "this is the only song from them that i know!" which got me the look from those two guys they smacked my head and said, "shut up, you're embarrassing us!"

not until their third song i think, and the pit was started to build in. we were standing pretty close to it. and suddenly i felt an arm around me, and get this luce, didn't flinch. i know for sure now, i don't flinch when i'm with him.

and on to the big show, when i finally meet my god... lyrical god that is. gosh, words cannot describe, to be in the same ground with him, it's like one of those thing that i could cross out from my list. i saw billy corgan live in flesh. i was standing behind hades for the first two songs, because i was still a bit traumatized from what happened in the pit from the earlier band (we were talking and suddenly a guy put his arms around hades to crowd surf... really i was a real bimbo when i was watching this band) seriously, i might sound too much, but it did frighten me... well anyway, in the middle of the 2nd song hades turned around, and saw this little scared me, or rather me who looked like a little geek lost, and asked me if i wanted to stand in front of him. suddenly "bullet in the butterfly wings" was on, and he moved closer (or i moved closer, doesn't really matter) but the thing was i was there in a concert, being one of those people i usually stared at and being a little jealous. i was in a live show with a guy who stood behind me, and we're enjoying the song, because we both love the band.

the highlight of the night was "tonight tonight" i LOVE that song, and i want "tonight tonight" to be my wedding song, i really want to dance to the song with my husband. and last night, there i was, standing there with hades, with his arms around me, and me not flinching and leaned back to him, and singing the same song. in my head, that moment, couldn't get any more perfect.

true, he's not my boyfriend, just a friend in need (is a friend indeed :p) but in a strange ways, i have that moment in my head for a while. and i know, if anything ever happen with me and hades in the future (which i kinda find it impossible, i'm just a witch and he's hades :) ) smashing pumpkins "tonight tonight" will be our song.

so as i stood there, watching my lyrical god singing, and have a guy in a life show with his arms around me and we're singing the same song, i was that girl, the girl i always envy. so i guess i owe hades a thank you for the night, and albeit the half-hearted show billy corgan was giving us, and the crappy set list (in my opinion) from mr. corgan, last night was my dream concert, with billy corgan singing live and a guy in my arm... it's my idea of perfect concert :)

the fear

2010-09-29T21:13:00.005+07:00

i have this thing, this mask i always wear, this persona that i supported... i am fearless, i am fierce, i am strong...

yeah right!

give me love, and i crumble like soft sugar cookies... my defense, this wall, would fall and i become a girl when i fall in love. that's why i don't fall that often. only 6 times in my lifetime (two were childhood crushes, but they were so innocent and cute, i count that as love, but relationship-wise i've only been in 4). that would only be once every give or take 3 years right? so not that often (well we're not counting pacey witter, mike shinoda, and nicholas gene carter :p)

see... still hiding it. my fear. the thing is, i'm afraid to admit it, but i'm scared to death.

i've never felt this way, until now. see, i don't fall that often, but *i'm trying not to sound cocky* sometimes i impress people too much :) and sometimes, i kind of led them on. so when i 'threw' someone away, i always said to myself, plenty of catch in the sea...

but the thing is, the catch that i wanted, never stay for long. and not until my recent break up, i have this enormous fear of... living alone.

i was always okay to face the fact that i might have to live by myself, because no one could really handle me. i used to be okay with the idea of living in an apartment, by myself (maybe a cat and gold fishes) and just live the life i've always wanted. never going to be a mother, because being an aunt will be enough for me.

but right now, i want more. i want that white picket fence, i want someone to share my bed at night, i want to feel body heat next to me, and when i woke up from a nightmare, i want to have someone to calm me down.

i am afraid i'm going to end up alone. now i hate the idea of not sharing my life with anyone. i hate the idea of sleeping alone...

so there's my fear, i'm scared of being alone... you have no idea

an answer to your why

2010-05-05T20:57:00.004+07:00

it's not right

when i don't feel anything

i should feel something

it's not right

when i can still breathe

when my breath should be taken away

it's not right

when my knees didn't buckle

and i'm standing still

my heart didn't skip a beat

my spine didn't shiver

my hands hardly trembled

it's not right

when i treated you like an ex-boyfriend

when it's only the beginning

-and that's why i left-

the madonna glee...

2010-04-22T15:14:00.003+07:00

omigod it's so great!!

i got goosebumps seeing 'like a prayer'

the best!

and i still don't get rachel, how can she did not see finn and that he's trying... ow well aren't i a little too old for this though :D

and my favorite line from brittany "mr shue, is he your son?"

well, glee's part of my entertainment these days, something that connects me with ninta too :)

so, my hat's off to the glee creators for making a great show that probably will define this generation.

my stand

2010-04-20T01:58:00.002+07:00

my tears...

they're not for you

no sir they aren't

they're too precious to be yours

this heart

it's not meant for you

stone cold marble it is

but it's too precious for your keeping

these words

they're aren't yours

hell no

my words are too precious to describe you

this life

is not for sharing

not for you at least

the morning after

2010-04-18T11:22:00.003+07:00

i woke up dizzy

might be the drink

might be the meal

might be you...

your touch made me dizzy

you made me forget

a temporary cure

i knew that for sometime now

you came and go as you please

yet i'm still here

not really looking for you

but it's nice when you come along

you left me dizzy

you left me confused

it's the morning after

one thing left to ponder

if i take that leap of faith

are you worth the jump?

a note from underneath

2010-04-13T03:04:00.003+07:00

first off i'd like to start this entry with an apology. especially to my future self. because i couldn't commit into this project like i planned to.

i mean, i've got stuff flowing on my head, and wrote down some. even if i didn't have time to sit alone with alice to pour down my thoughts, i wrote it in my trustee notebook these days. but the thing was, i was REALLY lagging behind in terms of expressing myself.

i am disappointed on my lack of enthusiasm, even to write these days. i mean, i should've find time, in any given time of day, to write. just to sit down and write. but it seems to me i've been pondering a lot. but not doing a lot. it kills me that i'd chose sleep over typing down my thoughts that would evaporates as soon as i closed my eyes.

but then again, i'm only a girl who needs her rest. i wanted to be stronger, i imagined myself to be stronger, so i have tons of energy to do all the things i've always wanted to accomplish. but alas... i'm not that strong. i'm working on it though, but i can't promise you much.

but i hope, i wish, i could still continue on the project (though it's lagging behind more than a month now!!!) i'm looking for a day or a time when i can just sit down and fill each day with my already written out thoughts. i mean, i do write (in a sense) everyday. i wrote the draft and outline of the entry. but just never got around to make it a story. i have to now though.

and i'd like to apologized for those who read my thoughts, i'm sorry i'm not that consistent, with that i also want to express my sincere gratitude for you who took your time and read my words. i hope my words can fill your days, give you new perspectives, and make you (somewhat) a changed person...in a good way :)

so with this note, i vow (again) to be a better writer... after all it is my dream job... ever since i could remember i always want to be (some sort of) a writer... whether it is a poet, a journalist, or a scriptwriter. i just want to write, and i want to affect.

and i don't need to be seen... i just want to be heard :)

contact

2010-03-11T15:16:00.003+07:00

call me out
i'll be there
just call my name please
no hesitation

don't leave me clues
i might not get
don't leave the trail cold
i'll get upset

just call me out
tell me you need me
tell me you want me
just call me out

feb 26/back to my roots

2010-03-09T16:08:00.003+07:00

in yogya i am now...

after 12 hours of grueling train ride, i have arrived in this city. please note that the train ride was not as romantic as i pictured it would be :p. the lumpy seat, uncomfortable positions, thank god i didn't opted for the economy-class :p. by the time we arrived in yogya, i felt half of my ass was either missing or full of rashes (i kinda prefer the first though than the latter... if half of my ass was missing, i'd fit on my skinny jeans again ha!!)

anyway, it's weird that i was really eager to go to yogya. see i am 75% javanese and 25% bantenese (my dad's 100% javanese, my mom is half-and-half 50% javanese and 50% bantenese). but when i was a child, i always resent the fact that i am a javanese. part of it maybe because my aunts and cousin teased me so much about being a javanese, and the other part maybe because my dad's side of the family are not so cool :p

anyway... i was a kid then, you can't hold me against that :) but lately, i've been wanting to go to yogya. i want to go to mbah putri's grave. i miss her a lot. i really kicked myself in the ass for never really took the advantage of having grandparents to the fullest. mbah putri died when i was in 2nd grade, i didn't really have much sense of how lucky i was to have her watch me grow. after mbah putri passed away, i didn't really got in touch with mbah kakung (or i call him mbah tris). partly because he has a new wife, and i resented that so much (maybe influence from my dad, or yeah well, partly i was angry at him too, to the process, don't need to get into details). i had mbah kakung for 15 years after mbah putri's death. i met him only several times. i regret that now. i was really angry at him. i even told my mom i probably do not want him in my wedding. well, i admit i was wrong in my part for being angry so long. by the time i forgave him, our relationship was so estranged, it's difficult to mend it. well, i didn't give it 100% effort too. i did try to visit him, when the mood permits, i remembered my last visit to him. he was surprised to see me and my sister. he would try to remember facts about us. now if i had the chance to talk to him again, one last time, i'd tell him i'm sorry i was angry for so long. and personally, i have forgive him. it's not entirely his fault, he's just a man.

well, getting side-tracked for this entry... :D

anyway, back in yogya, i went around the town, and capturing its beauty. it was crowded, for it was maulid, i wanted to capture the grebeg maulid, but because of the train being late and everything, i didn't get to capture it. ow well, tough luck :)

now, even though my dad's side of the family is still uncool, and i still so liberal you won't believe i'm javanese, but i'm no longer ashamed of that root. call me mbak ayu now, i'm no longer embarrassed, in contrary, i am proud.

i'm javanese, because i am my father's daughter

feb 25/and the journey begins

2010-03-09T16:06:00.003+07:00

i've prepared this trip for quite a long time. when i saw the 3-day weekend in the calendar. it's going to be one of those trip that i'll remember, because it's all just me who's planning it. i was going to take the train and went to yogya. i want to go to my grandmother's grave and just shoot pictures. it's been a while since i can just shoot pictures.

and it is convenience that lucy's house is nearby, so i can just crash in her place (that was the idea :p)

so i was so antsy, it's i have not taken the train for a while. i've been taking flights to yogya, so the 12-hour train ride... haven't felt that in a long while. let's see what's going to happen now, and yes, i'm taking the train ride back too. it's going to be fun!!!

so it's me, lucy, and her friend david (the robotic charming man... *note: i was drunk when i typed this*) off we go into the long 10 hours train ride, god be with us.

ow... last but definitely not least, now, for the first time in some years, i'm going to hear "nasi ayaaaaaaam" :p

feb 24/the most selfish thing you could do

2010-03-09T16:04:00.004+07:00

is to commit suicide

i think it's the most selfish act you can do in the planet. who are you to judge that no one needs you anymore?!

leaving notes like "i can't take it anymore" or "this world does not mean much to me, i'm ready to face the great beyond" seriously!!! i mean, who are you to say that??? to say that no one cares about you, or this world is not worth living. and if you think that your problem will go away once you killed yourself. think again dude!!!

don't you think about the others who you left behind. you think they're not going to pay for your reckless decision???

i guess you don't get to say your sorry don't you? and i guess you don't know how it's like after you're gone don't you?

you never came back...

feb 23/it's just a song

2010-03-09T16:02:00.003+07:00

me and lucy, are girls after all...

there are songs we do not listen to right now, just because. no... not just because, it just reminded us of stuff we chose not to remember :)

there are few song that for me, if it popped up in the ipod, i automatically hit next. these stuff made lucy and i seem like normal girls who are coping with the consequences of heartbreak.

but right now, looking back, and hearing back, i realized, it's just a song, right? and it's such a wonderful song too at times. i mean, come on luce, michael buble 'everything' is a great song! (and she'll talk back to me and say michael learns to rock and roxette is not bad also)

anyway, even though i realized, it was just a song, nothing more than that. just a beat to listen to, but i still can't help to hit that 'next' button in my ipod every time i hear babyface "i need a love song" or roxette "sleeping in my car" or yes michael buble "everything".

i'm still working on it... and i kept telling myself... it's just a song, a very good song in fact *huh, if it's only that easy...*

feb 22/the sincerity of human heart

2010-03-09T14:09:00.003+07:00

i remember when chris rock was on oprah, he was complimented for not having an entourage. and he said, "the people is right here (he put his hand up close his face) not there, and having entourage around me, would prevent me to get close to the people."

well put mr. rock!

i felt that this week, as i was back enjoying the public transportation again in this country. i have forgotten how nice people can actually be. see, for more than 3 years, i've been cooped up in my car most of my time. i drove around by myself, spending approximately 5 hrs alone everyday, can you see how numb i've become? :p

you might laugh at this, but at times, i forgot how to interact with people. well i know the basic, smile, polite nod, and stuff. but i forgot, that sometimes, strangers can be nice to the other strangers.

and THAT slapped me today. i've prepared to be a loner on the train. armed with my ipod and a sookie stackhouse novel, i just don't talk to stranger. but this woman tapped me, and made me regret that i see strangers as this harsh creatures, because she gave me a seat. a seat, when i need it the most.

oh god, from this point on, i will always remember, that human are still sincere at times, and strangers are not that bad...

feb 21/out with ilham

2010-03-09T13:56:00.003+07:00

he asked me to go to see a movie, any movie out of the blue. so off to see a movie we went.

it's really weird lately between me and ilham. i mean, we used to be so close before. when i had a boyfriend, and he had a girlfriend, we kinda fell apart. and now, after i broke up with my boyfriend, we didn't really mend our friendship. we remain close and stuff, but we don't really hangout together anymore.

so it was a nice surprise for him to ask me out to see a movie, and we went to see percy jackson. the movie was entertaining, so to say. i mean, the special effect, and the story about greek gods always have my heart.

we talked a lot over dinner, ilham and i, about life in general, and everything that's been going on. a year of friendship, kinda caught up with us. it's amazing how i can become comfortable with someone i knew for a year. he's a good guy, ilham is.

and tonight i found out that he had never approved my last relationship. he said and i quote "it's good that i've found out about it when it's over, because what i had to say to you about it, is not pretty."

protective ilham always is. and i always love him like a brother.

feb 20/so what is it really?

2010-03-09T13:46:00.003+07:00

as i sat there on the gymnasium, over looking everything, i had an early saturday so i could play some basketball with the guys. but the thing is, my heart just wasn't in it anymore. i just didn't care.

i don't know what it is, maybe my fear of touch that i have lately contributes to that too... my body just stiffened, and i cannot be touched. seriously don't laugh, it's not funny!

it's really funny, so there i was with people i usually comfortable hanging out with, and to be honest, i was a touchy feely person, i like hugging people (once i was comfortable with them) i don't mind guys to stand close to me, and to certain extent, i even held hands with my guy friends when i'm walking with them.

but lately, i don't know, i kinda allergic to touch, even when a good friend of mind extending his hand to help me up today, i refuse to take it, i know i might hurt his feelings, but i can't help it. don't know what comes over me though, but i hope people would understand, it's really not you, it's me, and please for the time being, don't stand too close to me :)

feb 19/back on the train :)

2010-03-09T13:42:00.003+07:00

my past revisited :)

i used to ride the train back and forth in my college years. i know the route by heart. i know when the train comes, and what time it'll arrive in UI. i know the atmosphere all too well. the smell of the train station, and the commotion was an everyday thing for me.

now, with a slightly more luxurious train, i am back riding it to work. in a way, i enjoy everything. and i had this feeling i can't explain. i felt more like... an adult. yes i did!! for a weird reason, today i feel so much more grown up. riding train, taking the bus, reading my novels, taking my time seeing the view (i don't get to do that much riding my car mind you, i have to focus on the road).

so, here i was, feeling like a kid with her first ride on the public transportation alone. and i loved it. i could get use to this... maybe occasionally i'll just take the train instead :)

feb 18/otong's last day

2010-03-09T11:44:00.004+07:00

today, i'm saying goodbye to otong.
it's been a nice three years with him. some interesting moments... those i won't repeat in this blog :p (can you tell i'm not an angel at all :p)

he is a great companion, i spent most of my time driving around with him. he became my 2nd bedroom. sometimes i spend the night sleeping inside otong. we've come a long way. but i have to let him go. it's time...

yeah i'm sad. he's a huge part of me, and my paycheck of course :p but hey.... lots of memories. and now, the new car, is the 1st full time car i have, as a single person :p (i've always have boyfriends in my car... sorry mommy :p)

but i'm looking forward for my new adventures with grayson (or tikki might call him 'jangkrik')
can't wait until he arrives :)

thank you otong for everything, i'm sorry i've used you for some naughty purpose, hey what can i say, i'm not an angel, and you are my silent witness of my other adventures :p
it's been a great ride, i'll see you around i guess....

refugee

2010-03-08T18:47:00.002+07:00

i'm hiding
i'm hiding from the real world that's chasing me
i'm running from everything that bothers me
i'm cowering under the rock hoping they all go away

i'm hiding
i'm running away from your face and your memories
i'm shutting down all the windows
to a dark cave no one finds

but no matter where i go
no matter how low i crouched down the earth
no matter how dark the place get
you're always there

floating around next to me
crouching down as low as me
lingering in the dark, giving speck of light on my cave

but you never intended to light up the place
just for a tease
to remind me
how bright my world was with you

but i couldn't catch you
you couldn't fill me
my cave's still dark
and i'm still running away

away from you
from your eyes
your thoughts
your scent

from everything....
that's you

feb 17/a happy day :)

2010-03-05T13:53:00.004+07:00

it's a happy day indeed... today i learned that buriq and ujank are expecting!!!!

it's a happy news by itself... another happy note was, that she chose me, to be the 2nd person that knew about her pregnancy after her husband. her mom didn't even know yet!!! i felt so honored, and i had teary eyes in the middle of a meeting. i am soooo happy for her, i'm ecstatic!! i can't wait until the little one arrives (and i have a gut feeling it's going to be a girl... :) )

ow it's going to be a fun ride. i'm sure i'm going to spoil her kid rotten, and you can quote me on that!!! i'm going to love that kid as if she/he is my own. i'm going to take she/he to lots of journey, and for sure going to make her a viewfinder junkie, just like her/his mom and auntie :p we just need to settle on the 'belief' that he/she going to follow... well i'm sure the kid will be smart, and choose canon :)

i can't wait until i meet the little one myself. and one day, i'll show this entry to her/him, and tell her/him exactly what i did when i heard the news, and how she/he is one of my precious duckling.

feb 16/20 years from now...

2010-03-05T11:41:00.004+07:00

my thoughts poured out from my brain as i was sitting there with my "sixers" in our very last time (supposedly) as the "sixers".

i looked at my colleague one by one, can't help but think what will become of us in the next 20 years, when (some of us) are getting ready for our retirement. would we look back @ this experience, being the sixers with no experience at all... producing manuals for management in our institution. would we laugh at the experience, remembering my lack of contribution to the team (really, i'm the blonde of the parade, because i don't give a damn about the task) or aris' antics... (i'm on growing phase... yeah your waistline is growing i can tell :p)

but it turn out to be good times (most of the time) and i am really comfortable with my role as the food provider :)

i'll miss the sixers when we're finally done with the project... so no matter what happens in the future, we still have the sixers that bonds us :)

feb 15/drops of jupiter

2010-03-05T10:52:00.002+07:00

now that she's back in the atmosphere
with drops of jupiter in her hair
she acts like summer and walks like rain
reminds me that there's time to change
since the return from her stay on the moon
she listens like spring and she talks like june

this song is one of those song that have a wonderful lyric and the metaphors i could only dream about writing. i love everything about this song, it's so heart-wrenching the longing of a lover who's changing before his eyes without him realizing it.

9 years after its release, this song still brought tears to my eyes.

tell me did you sail across the sun
did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
and that heaven is overrated

tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
one without a permanent scar
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

i don't know what draws me into this song, but it always drew me in like it has a gravity that tied up with it *deep....*

now that she's back from that soul vacation
tracing her way through the constellation
she checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
reminds me that there's room to grow

now that she's back in the atmosphere
i'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' jane
told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
and head back to the milky way
and tell me, did venus blow your mind
was it everything you wanted to find
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
your best friend always sticking up for you even when i know you're wrong
can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
the best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

my favorite verse of the song.... "the best soy latte that you ever had and me..." so no matter how she grew and all the roads she traveled, she's still talking about him.

tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
and head back toward the milky way

all in all, this song always my favorite tune when i just want to lay back and recollect my thoughts.... drops of jupiter

feb 14/not a valentine entry

2010-03-05T09:02:00.003+07:00

i don't celebrate valentine's day.... i think the whole thing is just made up by hallmark and all those other cards and gift company (not suck on being my boyfriend huh?! i don't drag you to some dinner and stuff for this day, because really, it's just some marketing bullcrap)

so this valentine's day, i was about to get some snaps with buriq, but it turns out that she fell ill, so i took the moment to bargain shop with mommy :) spending the day with mommy is a lot a fun! and i got to buy a lot of stuff... because i'm with mommy :p

the day was not lost... not at all :)

feb 13/my rep :)

2010-03-04T19:24:00.004+07:00

hey, it might not be the greatest thing in the world, but i have a rep to live up to... seriously, don't laugh! but i do have a rep that i'd like to keep up. that is: a liberal, happy go lucky, sarcastic wench. seriously... that's how i labeled myself.

so my friends would see me as a person who doesn't give a damn about religion, doesn't really give a crap about anything really. so when pilas caught me reading my holy book in my free time in the morning, i was caught off-guard. she laughed her ass off, and i was blushing like a bride.

another thing, when someone found out that i'm passionate about stuff, like the rohingya people (which i have yet to make an article or a blog entry about them) or how i blurted out some quotes from something i read (this is a serious offense from my dumb blonde facade :p)

so, i know it's really unimportant, but i'd like to keep my rep the way it is... i'm a bitch who doesn't care about the apocalypse and the idea of heaven and hell for me is disneyland and the office respectively :) so i would like to keep away from the mystical stuff (even though, i might be more mystical than the girl next blog :p)

feb 12/first facial in a long while

2010-03-04T18:00:00.002+07:00

i haven't had facial in a long time!!! seriously, my face looked like an unkempt road :) it's so bumpy and i hated it.

the funny thing was the doctor asked me, "can you handle pain?"

i have to laugh a little (i have the right to do that really!) well... to be fair to the doctor, she doesn't really know me. if she does know me, she'll know that pain, is something i handle, REALLY well :) i told her i might cry a bit though, and she smiled, "crying's fine, but don't whine."

and when i got home, i kinda thank god for mommy for teaching me pain. because you know, pain is something you get use to... and me... i can handle my pain, all kinds of it :)

feb 11/it's the return of the... oh wait...

2010-02-28T16:16:00.004+07:00

workaholic me... :(

i used to have this REALLY strong work ethic. i did. i would do my job as good as i possibly could. for in my last office, the boss knew my mom, and whatever i did, would reflect on my mom... so i worked my ass off, and always, always on my A-game.

but that was then... after all my hard work, my boss found out i was sleeping with her golden boy, suddenly... she ditched me... after all my hard work, the loyalty i showed her, she ditched me for a gossip that is not even relevant with my work.

so... after abandoning my family, leaving my boyfriend (at that time, i seriously would choose work over any of them), it was all a waste when she found out i was dating her 'golden boy'. her judgement became subjective. that's when it hits me... working is not everything. and my relationship with the golden boy, you guessed it, ended... and i'm trying to mend my lost with my family. and the workaholic ayu... has left, and i thought it was for good.

until tonight. i have to finish some work, but i have a schedule in indika, so after finishing my two hour show... i had the urge to went back to the office and finish my work. and went back to the office i did... 10 pm, i'm typing down some stuff i hope it'll change the course of humanity. goodness...

i hope she doesn't linger too long, because workaholic ayu is exhausting!!!

insignificant

2010-02-28T15:50:00.002+07:00

standing in the verge of nowhere

having nothing but heart on my sleeve

i screamed out to the heaven

'this is not the life i ordered!'

he tapped me in the shoulder

and dance in the dark we went

i laughed like it was the time of my life

i drunk like there's no tomorrow

and then he whisper...

'i'm not worth the chance'

and he flees...

but not before giving me a lingering kiss

as he vanished into thin air

as he left me here again

with nothing but my heart on my sleeve

i drew a silent sigh

'to me... you're never insignificant'

and i stood here until he returns

-solo, feb 28 '10-

feb 10/the end of....

2010-02-28T05:35:00.003+07:00

a diet plan.... :p

my weight has been going to the roof... i ate and ate and ate :) not because i was troubled, it's the contrary... i just love to eat! :)

so, from the time of.... eh lessay 8 months ago, until now, i gained around 7 kg!!! yep, you heard that right, 7 kg!!!! my jeans are really tight now, i showed more ass and thigh than i would really like. so, about a month ago, i decided to have a diet... epic fail!!!

so right now, i just embraced whatever it is that god gave me, shake the things that my mama gave me :p and yes...buy new pants :)

feb 9/the newest obsession

2010-02-28T05:21:00.002+07:00

aaah.... it wouldn't be me without an obsession :p

i always love dancing, i do... i just can't really stick to everything i'm doing :p *easily bored...guilty as charged* i used to take some balinese lesson... best moments of my life really, i love performing, it gives me an edge and the thrill :)

right now, LOVE so you think you can dance... mind you, in this part of the world, it's kinda delayed... well... i know that the show's been in its 6th season already... but hey, i LOVED it *mary murphy mode on*

especially the contemporary.... omigod, like watching poetry comes to life. it's so beautiful and moving.... next time i'm in the states, gotta watch a live show! i bet it's intense!!!

so right now, as i popped in some unknown singer, and picturing myself gliding on a stage... it's an epic fail i know... so for now, i'll just settle for being an audience then :)e

feb 8/an update from olympus

2010-02-08T19:31:00.003+07:00

it's been a while since i talk about the god and goddess of mount olympus. the thing is, i just don't care too much about being a goddess these days.

but first and foremost i'd like to tell you that my infatuation with hades is sooooo over. i don't know, he's just too 'dark' for me i guess. i mean, his ways, the lifestyle... not me... i could never be the one to stand by his side. even if i can transform myself into a goddess that is worthy of his company, i wouldn't like myself very much then. so, i decided, hades... is better off just in his world, and i would not transform myself to be persephone. i'm too precious for that.

aphrodite is doing fine right now. after all, she is aphrodite. she has to have that tough face, and tell everyone in the world that she is the prettiest being that has ever existed. i don't talk much to aphrodite, part of it because i don't think i would enjoy her company that much, and part of it because i think apollo turned on me because of her. deep inside my heart, there is a gut feeling that tells me she is responsible for my exile from olympus

apollo... he's another story. i don't know if i could ever find another apollo. i don't know if i belong to be with the gods and goddess... after all i'm merely a witch, nothing more. so, i have to learn to let go my dream of becoming his bride. it's tough, really.... but i could be a stronger witch after, and elphaba will be proud of me.

so as i am sitting here in the land of oz, looking up to mount olympus, i don't really know if i could cope, being so far away from the land of oz. but i kinda miss it though. i miss the glitz and glamour of olympus, i miss apollo's sweet words and his wisdom. still somehow.... i wish there was a bridge from oz to olympus, so apollo and i can built our castle, right in the middle.

feb 7/a day with finn :p

2010-02-08T19:16:00.002+07:00

finally.... i found the complete dvd set of glee.... alright, say it, yes, i'm acting like a little teenybopper but hey.... at least finn's my age =D and puck is too!!! love it.... :p

it's a typical high school drama, with the typical characters, the jocks, the cheerleader, the outcasts (geeks, artsy people, foreign exchange students??? :p) i'd say it's dawson's creek the musicals :p

it's really brilliant, the idea that is offered in the table by ryan murphy. and i bet whatever network that rejected it, is kicking themselves in the ass at this moment :p amidst the 'dark shows' that is available right now in television, glee is like a breath of fresh air. it's light, it's refreshing, and it's fun.

i can't help but became a gleek myself, and singing all through the afternoon... "you can't always get what you waaaaaaaaaaant..."

feb 6/saturdate... with daddy :)

2010-02-07T14:28:00.003+07:00

it's saturday... mommy left to the office for a workshop, leaving me and bapak alone in the house. my dad... whose tummy is bigger now (his words not mine... even though my words would not be far off from his :p)

buriq had invited me to snaps some pics along with her today, so i kinda feel bad leaving my father all alone in this vast (@ times) house. so i asked him to tag along, it'll give us chance to catch up anyway. and seriously, you need to catch up with your parents, because you never know how long they'll stay with you.

so daddy tagged along with me to buriq's house... and he hadn't seen kresh in a while, so it kinda brighten his day.

buriq and i didn't get to take some snaps though, for it was raining like crazy in the afternoon, but i did have my saturdate with daddy, and it was priceless.

feb 5/another kresh night

2010-02-06T07:20:00.003+07:00

i can't be part from him for more than two weeks!!!!

i missed his tindak tanah??? (i really forgot the name of the ceremony, it's javanese, where the kid are expected to walk, so they have this whole ceremony to welcome the kid to the ground, go figure) well, i hope he forgave me for that. and he did!! when i came by, the first thing he did was looked at me and gave me this huge smile. my heart melts!!!!

but the thing behind kresh's date nights is to get to talk with buriq. we talk a bit about life, about our business, and kresh!! :)

i love my kresh night, that means i get to catch up with my favorite little guy, who is all grown, tumbling, circling, and smiling. god time goes fast :)

so kresh night, should be a bi-weekly thing for me :)

feb 4/when the lights are out

2010-02-06T07:12:00.003+07:00

i love my other job. the one that kept me happy all the time :)

but i can't help but think how short-lived this job is. i love it with all my heart, but i know my days are numbered here. and the number might be shorter than any of us think.

so i have to learn to give it up, slowly but sure. i have to learn that people has to move on... past certain stage, where we have to compromise. it'll be hard, it'll be tough, but as my cool boss would put it "easy is not a word in an adult dictionary" well put boss... :)

so right now, i'm just enjoying my time here... the time will come, when i have to face my pd and gave him the most dreadful thing ever.... my 2 (maybe 1) months notice. but hey, i'm going to make these time the best time of my life. and i can tell my kids and grandkids one day that mommy/granny was an announcer... a pretty decent one too :p

feb 3/looking back now

2010-02-04T20:27:00.002+07:00

as usual, i have the chance to be alone @ least 5 hours in a day... i have a lot of time to think :D

and today in my alone time, i stopped and think what did i want to be when i was young. you know something, while other kids wants to be doctor, or pilots, or ambassador of some sort... or even a banker, me i wanted to be a writer. i really did, not making it up.

i would say with a confidence... when people asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up. i'd say i want to be a writer. my dad is partly to blame for that maybe :p a poet himself, a stage actor, and all around an art-lover, without realizing it, he'd passed that down to me. he didn't exactly told be to become a writer. he would just share things with me... his books, and poems and stuff. i remembered reading taufik ismail's words for the first time, and just simply fell in love with "tirani dan benteng" the collection of poem from taufik ismail. gosh i loved it... it has this one poem about a rambutan vendor telling his wife what he had seen throughout the day. i was probably that small number of 5th grader who had read 'tirani and benteng' cover to cover @ that time.

and i remember when we have to memorize the whole poem by chairil anwar, i enjoyed it so much, the poem still stuck in my head until this day. so... i was not a regular kid in the sense of my dreams :) and here's the strange part, i didn't want it for the fortune and fame of john grisham or dan brown or agatha christie... i wanted it simply just because...

i smiled when i remembered that... i knew who i was and still am since i was a kid. i am a writer, and i hope it'll stay that way. true i haven't had a book out or anything, but i'm still writing my thoughts down *though not everyday as i promised you i would* but i still do... and in my spare time, i'll try to scribble my thoughts. true i haven't write a single poem since the one i wrote for mcmarried, i'm waiting for that time again actually. the time when i just want to grab a pencil and paper and write my thoughts

i am a writer, and it'll stay that way... no matter what my ID card wrote down there, i am a writer

feb 2/ crunching numbers

2010-02-03T05:44:00.003+07:00

i'd say it over and over again.... i am thankful i am a geographer not an accountant :)

i was this close though... on being an accountant, if i wasn't accepted in UI, i would be an accountant, i'm probably working in some bank, all dress up and stuff, and maybe looked slimmer than i am right now....hmmmm..... :)

but NO, i am thankful i am a geographer not an accountant because i was not born to do this! i was not born looking at numbers, i was born holding a pen and note pad anything but numbers!!!! :p hell, i think i was born with theodolite too... but hey, that's just me :)

so as i am staring at the screen, on this ridiculous numbers, and how much we are spending only on meetings!!!! (un-f'n-believable) i am thanking god over and over again, this is just something i do once a year, not everyday.

feb 1/it never just is...

2010-02-01T23:06:00.004+07:00

hail comes february... the love month :)

looking back at my love life, there are lots of drama... but no happy ending so far. you know what they say, you have to kiss a lot of bastard before finding the right bastard :p

i was watching grey's anatomy, it's that episode where derek took meredith dog, and he said "it's just a dog."

uh uh.... no... when you're an ex, it never just is....

just a phone call, just a gift, just a book, just a text message, just a gesture, just saying hello, just around the neighborhood... pieces of crap that's what i say.

for exes... lemme say it again, it never just is!

trust me, i know. i mean, exes are complicated, really. that's why i've never really befriended with exes. because you can't be friends, seriously... except when your ex turns gay... but even so, you can't really be friend with them.

so the next time your ex called, for borrowing something you know they could borrow from someone. or just asking for directions, or whatever. it never just is. it could be that they're just want to check up on you and asking how you've been... or... could be something more in store. maybe you like it, maybe you don't

but remember, with exes, it never just is :)

jan 31st/ilham's bday bash

2010-02-01T23:00:00.003+07:00

i know we're like a week late to celebrate it... but all 6 of us... plus elang, came together for the right reason this time... ilham's belated bday bash

we chose this new place to try out the food... it was...americanized, but hey it taste good. they have a gigantic portion of each platter, but it was good.

funny thing, we kept noticing people getting 'surprise' cakes. and the waiter singing "happy bday to you" to the bday person. ilham kept looking at us and saying, "if you guys pull that on me, i swear to god i'm going to walk out."

pull that on him we did :) pilas and i snuck out to buy the cake... and the look of his face, priceless :)

it's really funny, our relationship is. i mean, hate, love, cliques between cliques... but we're still hanging out and being nice to each other. ow well... i'm just glad i got people to hang around me. and for what it's worth, i always treasure my friendships

jan 30/my last stand

2010-01-30T23:27:00.002+07:00

custer had one...

and this is mine

my last stand

with this

i'm done....

i'm done...

*just wish i meant it...*

jan 29/the tale of two cities

2010-01-30T23:00:00.003+07:00

when i was a kid, i always fancy myself as being really mobile. new york one day, detroit the next, houston then orlando, you know, all the good stuff. airport is my home away from home, and i live and breathe by lattes :)

oh hey.... i am living it today. i have an early flight to go to another city and be back in jakarta by 7 pm. yeah well, it's not new york, london, paris... it's jakarta-solo-jakarta but hey.... :) and my role isn't THAT important, but you know what, i feel soooo jet-set-y today :)

i was dead tired at the end of the day though, but hey, i'm a jetsetter baby!!!! :)

*don't steal my thunder now... :p*

jan 28/daydreaming me

2010-01-30T22:37:00.003+07:00

i was sitting down in a meeting, being tantalized, for not having passion. it dawned on me, i just don't.

this is not what i'm passionate about. if people asked me, why do i do what i do for a living. i would just say one word. ninta. i have to do it for her. i mean, at this moment, my life seems fine. my mother is still alive and well. she still provides care for my family, but what happens when everything stops. i have to be able to provide for her needs. and this is the answer.

if i have it my way... i wouldn't be here. this is not it. but i don't have the luxury to do my way. i have the choice of course, but it has its consequences.

so as i sit over there, still being tantalized for not having passion. i pictured myself in a 3x4 office, full of windows, a computer for me to work on my latest project. and if you come over to my office, i'll greet you with a smile, and a cup of great coffee...

it's my daydream, and no it's not stupid, and yes, i'll work my ass off to achieve it...

jan 27/i choose love

2010-01-30T22:32:00.004+07:00

it's been really quiet at the office. work-wise. seriously.... i mean, there are times we literally have nothing to do. some of us are reading, some sorting through our stuff, some... filling out her blog :p

so when deskiano called me (well he actually bbm-ed me) and ask me to cover for him, i was like, hell yeah dude :) because i would much rather be inside my playground, than stuck there in the office and play the next level of jojo fashion show :p

what i didn't realize was, the new schedule, will have me leaving the office for 5 hours... but hey, i didn't really gave it much thought. the truth is, this job is the one that defines me, i like to be known as an announcer rather than 9-5 urban planner. really... nothing i did in that place going to give me half the satisfaction i did when my pd called me and tell me that my call (or talk) was great. i could go to places with my 9-5... but being an announcer means so much more than travel to places, i love my job... and that's why i chose to skip 5 hours to love :)

jan 26/new york...i love you

2010-01-30T22:28:00.006+07:00

dek tikki... :) she's my rock @ times. she's there when i need someone to cheer me up. and she didn't have to put on a concern face, and do heart to heart, it's not her. but she'll be there, just to accompany me, to cheer me up.

i have to do a very sad thing today, and she is willing to come along to 'hold my hand' as i did the thing. the same thing with pilas, kicking, screaming, rolling eyes, but she's there for me anyway. she might not agree on what i do, but she just stood by me, not putting on a smile, but for her to stand by me, is something i really appreciate.

so after that, we went for a little movie called 'new york i love you'. i love the seamless editing from the several stories that they have. only one story that i didn't get is the shia labeouf piece, but everything else... a pleasure to see it.

great movies, great company, not-so-great moments in my life. because tonight i decided to have enough... and to rest my arms... but hey...

jan 25/the greatest love

2010-01-29T11:45:00.002+07:00

today, i have the pleasure to be touched by love again. not me directly though, but from what i see.

he is a tough guy. i tough husband. he was the breadwinner of the family. he is a typical javanese man, old school type. he needed to be served left and right. got his clothes laid out each morning by his wife, his breakfast ready on the table, his morning coffee and everything.

she is the personification of the perfect housewife. she took care of the house, took care of the children, she looked ever so beautiful for every occasion...

until that time, that he cheated on her. after all her devotion, he cheated on her...

but she forgave him. she did not forget, but she forgave him. she lives with his mistakes, she swallowed everything whole. she stood by him.

he had a stroke, and now he's half paralyzed. she has to tend to his every needs. she has to be there for him 24-7.

but looking at her, she is tired, but she still joked around with him. giving him kiss, and he's still smiles at her approvingly once in a while.

that is love people. i want to be as strong as her. she can brushed off the past, and being the perfect wife. i want to be the perfect wife too....

jan 24/his bday...

2010-01-29T11:34:00.004+07:00

today is his bday....

the man i thought i would marry and have family with...

well for 6 years, i thought i would....the first two anyway

looking back, i mean, he gave me a lot!!! not only love, but also lessons in life. but i was too young when i met him. he was my first everything.... (boyfriend, first kiss...and everything that came along with it :p) and i REALLY honestly thought i was one man woman :p *grins*

well, today is his bday, no greetings for me, we are strangers since the moment we broke up. well, we've become strangers when we're together anyway. he never really took the effort to get to know me. well, that's my side of the story. you have to ask him for his. he'll probably tell you about my infidelity :p

but through this entry, i'd like to say, happy bday you... i'm sorry for how things turned up. i hope you're happy... i'll see you around

jan 23/put aside little things...

2010-01-25T20:20:00.003+07:00

today, i learned a very valuable lesson.... life's too short to ponder on little things...

life's too short to ponder on why i didn't become a journalist like i dreamed about

life's too short to ponder whether i am going to make it to wikipedia or not

life's too short to ponder what kind of hair cut i'd be getting next

life's too short to ponder whether he really loved me, or he just wanted to get in my panties

life's too short to ponder about that huge zit the size of kansas

life's too short to ponder is the outfit i am wearing looked cheap

life's too short to ponder what would be my next toys

life's too short to ponder on that cute stilettos....

right now, i am only going to ponder about the future, the security of my family, my family health and welfare... and ninta's future

life's to short....

jan 22/me and pilas

2010-01-25T20:14:00.004+07:00

i didn't even know her when i was in college... hell when my friend told me that this girl is going to occupy the wretched world, i was like... who the hell is she???

she turns out to be a great friend, and wonderful company, and a fun person indeed.

i don't know what i'd do in this wretched world of mine if i don't have her around. i'd probably gone bananas... or maybe i turn out into the typical wretched world citizen.... wait a minute, that would be a good thing right...i mean normal

well, normal's no good :)

so, having pilas around is a good thing for me. sure she slaps me relentlessly about how i behave in front of him, and how i put up with his antics, but she stood by me anyway. kicking, screaming, and rolling eyes, she stood by me. god knows how much i need a rock right now. and she is one of them.

and i hope i don't jinx our friendship because of this post :p

jan 21/the perfect gift

2010-01-25T18:35:00.002+07:00

i always give the perfect gift to people i love. because i gave it a thought, and i don't hold back when it comes to people who has a lot of meaning in my life. i love seeing the smile on their faces when they opened the gift, it feels like i won the lottery :)

maybe that's what my friends don't get when i scrounged the town looking for the gift for him.

i've been pondering a lot on what to get him for his bday. part of it is because it's the first gift i've ever given him, and i don't know... it might be the last too.

so, no matter how much my friends been riding me, about how it's not worth whatever i spend on him. but you know what, i don't really care.

i just have to give him the perfect gift.

jan 20/fat and ugly

2010-01-21T14:09:00.003+07:00

i know it's so superficial... but i do feel fat and ugly today. i'm sorry, i can't help it, it's just the way i felt about the day....

me, standing 10 pounds heavier than i was a year ago, and unkempt hair, ugh.... can't stand looking @ me today...

i'm sorry for being insensitive, and unthankful... but the whole purpose in this blog is for me to be honest, and today, with all honesty, i feel fat and ugly.

maybe tomorrow i'll feel better.... let's hope for that :)

jan 19/the roadtrip

2010-01-21T12:56:00.002+07:00

we've been talking about taking a road trip... the 6 of us... not too far, just the town about 150 km southeast jakarta :) but, like most of our plans, we never really got around to take the trip... and yesterday, tragedy struck. indar lost her father. it's the first for us, the loss. knowing each other for over a year now, and this is the first huge tragedy that struck us.

indar father is to be buried in his hometown of sumedang. which is nearby bandung...

so, tragedy struck, and we took a road trip there.

me, pilas, ilham and iman... we have to leave tiara behind because she was taking her toefl test. and even though the reason for the trip was grief, but the trip itself was anything but. in the trip we filled in on each other lives (especially ilham's it's been a while).

with that... we are making vows, we'll go on a real road trip... when it doesn't have grief involved.... when... god knows when :)

jan 18/date with kresh

2010-01-18T22:02:00.001+07:00

i got out early today... yaay...

and i took the time to go over to kresh's house.

when i got there, he was in a sour mood. he just woke up, and he wasn't happy. when he saw me, he looked at me with sleepy eyes, and called on him like i always do, my "hey baby" and "how's it going precious" still sleepy eyes.

so i took him in my arms, and realized, how big he had gotten now! i mean, when the first time i was in love with him he's like 2.1 kg, the smallest creature that ever stole my heart. and now he's like what??? 7.5 or 8 kg!!! kresh grown!!!!

and when it comes to bath time, his favorite time of the day, he is so cute. splashing around in his bathtub, and he'd get upset when we took him out of the water.

but the cutest thing happened when i was saying goodbye. he started to cry. omigod my heart just melt. i took him with me, and then saying my proper goodbye.

for now, he is the only men in my life. comes in a small package... but the only one that has my heart :)

jan 17/28 years ago....

2010-01-18T21:49:00.002+07:00

i wouldn't know, i wasn't here yet... but it is the beginning of my being :)

28 years ago, my dad married my mom

the two people less likely to be together, but they got together until today.

like i always say, my dad is an artist, and my mom is a 'scientist'. her idea of 'fun' is gardening, while my dad's is going to poetry reading, meeting a lot of new people. my mom's a wallflower in a party, my father... well he's the life of the party.

well, two of the most unlikely people got together... 28 years now :)

everyday with them, is an adventure for me

jan 16/lessons of failure

2010-01-16T09:40:00.004+07:00

i don't really like what they're teaching kids these days that everyone's a winner...

seriously, it's not how the world works. in the real world, you failed, you got rejected, you lose. so how do they deal with that if you never teach them how?!

see, i am not the sharpest tool in the shed, i was not the greatest athlete in the world, or the natural born violinist. i write nicely (at times) i can manage to put words into sentence, i took decent pictures but that's about it. in short, like i always say, i'm a geek. i was never the most valuable player in the team, i was picked last in gym class, never get to sing the solo (hell i think if i tried out for choir they'd rejected me anyway). but, you know what, rejections, failure, and lost made me interesting (borrowing this quote from ms. reese witherspoon). it made me stronger, and (i hope to god) wiser. at least it made me wittier (is there such words??!!) and it gave me ammunition for the real world.

so teach your kids to fail, let them feel rejected, let them KNOW those things exist. so they are prepared to face the world, so when it happens, big time, they are much less likely to blow up their brain.

so you got to teach your kids, it's okay to lose because you can gained much more from it than when you're winning. and tell them, if they came back from it, they'll achieve a higher limit :)

jan 15/reunion with an old friend :)

2010-01-15T21:01:00.004+07:00

two years ago... when otong still have less than 10,000 km in his mileage, i was still 'green' behind the wheels... reckless back then (still am... :p) i meet this guy.

we got off the wrong feet. after all i charged in on him, and blamed it all on him.

and for two years, we haven't met again. i thought about him all the time though. after all, he was my first...

and today, we got a chance to meet again... and i'm glad we're on good terms :)

jan 14/uninspired

2010-01-15T20:51:00.003+07:00

today, i woke up @ 10:30 am...

SERIOUSLY!!!!

i was cursing all kinds of profanity and rushed myself to the office

i've been feeling kinda low lately. i don't know why, my sleeping patterns had been off... which is unlikely for me for this time being. i think it's all the dvd but no time to watch it :p

but hey, i promise, this is the last time... (i think i made that promise too two days ago =P)

jan 13/dinner out

2010-01-15T20:19:00.002+07:00

it's been a while since i went out with my friends for dinner. well, i've ate out with pilas a lot, but not with the others so much. so we set out a date to eat out, it was tiara, pilas, iman, and me.

it's nice to catch up with whatever's going on in our lives, and planning a getaway trip.

it's kinda nice not always hanging out together, i mean, it gives us space and then when we meet up we have different perspective to share. it's not always sweet, but hey, we still have this bond with us.

we talk for hours, sometimes weird exchange glances from me and pilas, for the two of us are the one who hung out the most. and the revelation from iman that he is fat :P

it's nice to be together again... not too often though, because we might get bored of each other :p

jan 12/happy 2nd anniversary buriq & ujank

2010-01-13T10:31:00.003+07:00

they are two souls that meant to find each other

started out as friends, and then it grew

i know it sounds like a cheezy chick flick

but that was their story

at first i had my doubts on ujank to take care of my cousin

after all, she is buriq, my partner in crime, the one that i depended on (too much @ times :p)

but he is the perfect match for her... seeing them together, made me want to meet my soulmate :)

happy 2nd anniversary you guys... i hope more years to come for both of you, all good things will come to you guys, and the little yous that came along, are lucky lucky kids to have a set of parents like both of you :)

jan 11/my rockstar boss

2010-01-12T04:16:00.002+07:00

beware... this is a very serious office conversation... consider yourselves warned

my rockstar boss: (excited like a little boy who just pranked an elderly) hey ayu, have you heard of guns and roses

me: (baffled) excuse me sir what?

mrb: guns and roses

me: doing exactly what?

mrb: here, just see it (handing me his phone, i should've told him, he has the same plan as me, youtube-ing through the phone is not on the phone plans, but hey he's the boss)

me: (still baffled, and took the phone) still buffering

mrb: just wait, it's great

me: (still waiting)

and suddenly it appears... guns and roses singing rhoma irama "bergadang" and my rockstar boss was laughing his ass off...

seriously =P

jan 10/a time alone

2010-01-11T15:41:00.003+07:00

i got to spend some time alone at the house, and i am watching some dvd...

the pick of the day is gilmore girls!! :)

omigod it brought up memories again. dean... omigod, who could not fall for dean... :) well me, personally, just love with jared padalecki.

it was the season when rory started college and became a freshman... this week, gotta be the week of reminisce... i remembered exactly when i knew i was accepted to college, all happy and stuff, until i met chemistry and physics :p but hey, i have the greatest time of my life in college. i met a lot of new characters, and i adjusted into a new rhythm.

10 years ago, yes boys and girls, i was a freshman 10 years ago. yeah time flies, yeah i'm getting old... oops, wiser =D

well, life goes on :)

jan 9/pi to the es to the e and gi :)

2010-01-11T12:07:00.005+07:00

it's a special day this saturday is... it's the day i meet up with my college friends and reminiscence :)

it's our yearly camp out. so every year, we gather for a weekend camp out to welcome the new student... well we're welcoming them in our own way :)

but to me, it's not about the new students, it's about seeing familiar friendly faces. the faces i knew for almost ten years now. it is bittersweet though, being with college friends. it reminded me of yari, somewhat. but hey, it's the past... he's happy now i bet :) and i know we weren't meant to be.

anyway.... i got the chance to meet 25 bright new souls. kinda proud of them in a way, i mean coming out to camp out with a bunch of alumni, and we are not the nicest seniors on earth at times :) but hey, we're fun though. it brought up a lot of memories. for all 10 years, i've been to 4 camp outs, when i was a freshman (i hardly had fun at the time, but it's a never-ending topic of conversation of our class, because we had a lot of highlights and funny moments), when i was sophomore (because i have to be in the committee... gosh lemme tell you, it's MUCH more tiring than if you're a freshman, you got pushed around more when you're the committee), and then i never got to go when i was still in college, because my mom wouldn't let me. and finally i started going again in 2007 until this year, never missed a year. and thank god they are having a camp out nearby my house now, so i can just drive up there :)

being with my college friends gave me a lot of perspective. awaken my old dreams, and give me a lot of boost up. i want these kids to be proud to be geographer. i want these kids to know what kind of options do they have once they graduated.

and it's great meeting my classmates again. we always have that bond, some kind of brotherly-sisterly bond. and it was just great.

it was a wonderful weekend, i love my yearly camp out. once a year, it's a great time to hang out with familiar faces.

jan 8/beautiful like a rainbow

2010-01-08T23:35:00.003+07:00

you with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
i realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you feel so small

but i see your true colors
shining through
i see your true colors
and thats why i love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful,
like a rainbow

show me a smile then,
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when i last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know i'll be there

this cindy lauper song is the song of the day for me. i love the glee cast's cover.

sadly, i just got the lyrics... i know, for all this time, i've never really paid attention to the lyrics. but once i did, wow!!!

i don't know, it got me through the day today. for a while now, i've been feeling low. i feel really hollow and empty, which what i've been feeling this past 7 months or so... i know, lame... whatever, this is how i feel, i'm sorry.

yes, i've been wearing happy and confident smile all this time. if you asked me whether i'm alright or not, i would say i'll live and i'll be okay. and i would try to put up this smile across my face, and put on my brave face.

wanna know the truth, i crumbled inside, and scared as hell. i hate it when i can't go to sleep, because in the wee hours, i have to deal with my pain. the pain i managed to burry deep in the daytime. because the demons come out at night. and they LOVE to play :)

but this song, listening to the lyrics, made me feel somewhat stronger. i feel like i have friends to cover me, to watch over me (which i actually do, but sometimes kinda fade into the background with my loneliness).

so, if you are lonely right now, just remember, you still have friends around you that would pick you up, and help you got through the day.

well if you don't, i'll be your friend... because everybody needs a hand to hold on to...

what's in store for twenty ten

2010-01-08T07:32:00.003+07:00

no... it's a not a part of my project, i just want to post up this year's goal to you :)

first, i want to be a better sister for ndut. she deserves one, and i'm trying to be.

i also want to be a better daughter

i'm going to get a scholarship this year, it's a must, time is ticking

i have to get wilbur a brother, and maybe it's time to pass wilbur on to my sister, so she can start being a shutter freak too :)

let's get that gym membership shall we??? or maybe drag my ass to the jogging track, i'm not 17 anymore, i need to move my ass

there's more to explore in the world, get your gear on, we're going to travel all over!!!

write more, be more productive, be more passionate, be the person that i love, not this bitch i can't handle to stare more than 5 minutes

keep in touch with people, because you need them

get the business going... :) we're going to make it mbak!!! :)

let's rock this decade, this year is my year :)

jan 7/being a dumb blonde

2010-01-08T06:47:00.002+07:00

i always have this fear, that people won't see me pass my face.

i've been told (even though i rarely believe it) that i look okay. and i found that as a gift and a curse. in high school, i've been known as the brain. i'm the geek who hangs out at the library on lunch time, i played violin, and go around quoting things out from books i read just for fun (but no, i don't read the dictionary :) ) i was the member of the in-the-know team (even though i rarely got the chance to answer things @ the actual game, but i do alright in the team practice. of course i'm not the smartest one in my school, but i do make my mark as one of the nerds.

then college happens. i'm tired of being ms. goody two shoes. unconsciously i chose to be a slacker. well, the thing that i didn't really put in my calculation when i chose to be a slacker is that people saw me as a looker. because all through my high school years i've never think myself as that way. so they didn't see a slacker, they saw a dumb blonde. see the difference???

slacker.... dumb blonde.... unmotivated underachiever.... dumb blonde....

*sigh* the plan to be a slacker backfired, because all people see now is this girl who looks easy in the eyes, but doesn't have much brain to fill the shoes, because if she does the world will be a perfect place.

whatevs... =D

i used to be scared of that status, but now, i don't really give a damn. hey, should you see me a dumb blonde, then be it. i don't need your approval to tell me that there's something going on up here. i KNOW i have something going on up there, i just don't show it to you. and i don't really mind being the dumb blonde, if it means i got to enjoy life and do the things that i am really passionate to do. i love being a dumb blonde, if it means i still have the time to write my thoughts down and a chance to explore the world.

yes sir, i might be a dumb blonde... but i'm just playing my role, because i have no intention on being you :)

jan 6/ row h seat 23

2010-01-07T11:26:00.005+07:00

heck yeah!!!

it's official, i'm going to go and see immi live!!!! i got my ticket, i got my plane ticket, and off to see immi i go :)

to be honest, i've never really spend this much on any other artist but her, i think she is worth the money. i searched high and low in this country for her first cd before deciding to buy it online (which reminds me i have to ask maxie for my imogen's cd)

a good artist never really come around to indonesia that much, and when they do, i've never be able to get the cash to see them perform live. but now, yeah, i'm coming immi!!!!!

so wait for it, the full report on march 29th, immi live on stage, and me reporting for my 'everyday i'm 27'

jan 5/pencil bun

2010-01-06T09:42:00.004+07:00

i have a friend in high school, her name is senada. she has a long blond hair, and she used to put it up in a bun, the cool thing is, she didn't use the regular scrunchies, she used pencil to put up her hair.

so ever since that, i've been wanting to put up my hair like her. alas my friend, i've never had the hair nor the skill to do that.

i envy her, and i really, REALLY want to be able to put my hair in a bun like she did...

and hey my friend, the day hath cometh :) and yes, now i have the length AND the skill to do that :)

now, as i type my hair is up in a pencil bun... ow well a pen bun, and loving it, i know it's geeky, but i love it :)

jan 4/makang ikang :)

2010-01-05T16:57:00.002+07:00

lucy, pilas and i have lots of things in common, one of them is our passion for food :)

we just love to eat, the three of us, can order things that could feed 10 (i know it's exaggerating, especially now i'm trying to thin up *whatevs*)

well anyway, one of those days we can escape from our pen early, we spent it driving across sudirman to mall ambassador to get some fish :)

well, i was about to pick up a copy of something, but they didn't have it yet *dvd bajakan yeah!!* so heartbroken, i ate my way through my pain *lebaaaaaaaaaaayyyy*

manadoan (??) food, never disappoints... lucy and pilas, never dull moment...

jan 3/wak enung's bday bash and you had me at hello

2010-01-03T20:21:00.007+07:00

i know that's two title on today's entry, but those two represent how i feel today.

today is wak enung's bday (don't ask how old she is, for all i know is she was around when the japanese was still invading our country...so, pretty old :) ) and we decided to throw her a bday bash. we went to her house and cook nasi kuning and everything. it was a fun time, i got to meet my favorite guy, he is more adorable every time i met him. the love of my life now, for real =)

family in my opinion is like candy... i mean it's great when you have one, but when you have too much, it makes you a bit sick :) so i think i have just about enough dose of family in this long weekend. and i just found out that kresh likes my bracelet too... i love kresh.

and that phrase "you had me at hello" is in my head all day long, and the beyonce's song "hello" is in my head too. i mean, to be honest, you didn't had me @ hello... you scared me @ hello... because your hello was "what was your screen name" but it stuck out. until this day it does. and i remember the way i feel and the way i react. i know i'm a snob, but i have my reasons. i've been stalked with annoying people before. and YES you were annoying at first. but for some reason, i miss to be annoyed by you. you know what i miss the most, fighting with you. stupid huh? but i miss fighting with you. i miss being annoyed by you. ow well...

anyway... you didn't have me at hello, no you didn't, but you had me... until now

jan 2/a blast to the past

2010-01-03T07:58:00.003+07:00

going to another wedding.... :p

yeah there's another wedding going on, and it's one of my childhood friend from columbus. i never thought that she'd get married before me :) but hey, i never thought i would be a pns either, so life doesn't really work as it was previewed :p

the cool thing was to meet up with my childhood friends again, and see what they've become. it's been 10 years since i left columbus, and i've known these people probably for 15ish years. my goodness, we grew... a lot!!!

mutia is like 6 foot tall :) she is always pretty, and i'm glad she had a smile on her face this time :)

rahima...shrunk *shocked* :p i mean, she was taller than me when we were in columbus, and now, she's shorter than me.

sabrina, a chatterbox back then, but now... very quiet and reserved...

ikhsan... omigod, he grew!!! and a bit chubby... but still cute as a button

rijal, still the old rijal around there somewhere, didn't had much time to play around with him, but he's still the old rijal

amy, the bride... my god we grew so much!!! congrats, and i wish you all the best, with your romantic husband :)

time flies by, but hey one thing remains, we still have kids inside all of us :)

jan 1/a date with steven

2010-01-03T07:52:00.007+07:00

i was about to write down my resolution for today's blog entry. but the day with steven, could not go without me writing down whatever happened between the two most talkative people in the country :p

my relationship with steven, is really indescribable. i mean, i think i need him in my life more than he needs me =) sometimes i feel bad for him, because i confide in him so much, without actually giving anything back. but hey, he still loves me no matter what. the cool thing is @ times we would finish each other sentence (crazy huh?!)

steven is one of the few people who would literally call me stupid to my face, or tell me that the man that i am going for is not worth the try, or call me bitch in regular basis (i call him insensitive prick @ times too, so we're pretty much even =p).

we talk about what happened to us in the past year in a half. he left for arizona for study, and i gotta say, i LOVE the new steven. i mean, the old steven, is a bit uptight (not too much though baby *somehow i feel his protest when he reads this*) but tries to be a laid back guy, talks a lot (he still does though), and easily excited. the new steven, is a laid back guy (without even trying) he's more cool, and i am in love with steven all over =)

and i managed to hold back my tears when i saw him, i mean, i told myself i didn't want to cry, because i always cried when i imagined meeting steven. but hey, i kept my cool, i didn't cry =P

i am so proud of him, and everything he has accomplished until now.

we sat in the overpriced coffee shop i love so much :p and talk and talk and talk... both of us got hungry, and steven had enough junks so we decided to drove down and found ourselves a nice soto kudus :)

it was unreal, really, to talk to him again and have him call me bitch on my face :) and i had a great time, as i always do with steven. i know friends like steven doesn't come along very often, and i do value him dearly in my life. and as you age, you really need friends who are honest. i mean back in the day, you need friends who are fun, but these day what i need is an honest friend

steven checking out landon pigg *i knew landon pigg before steven yaaayyyyy!!!*

dec 31/out with ndut

2010-01-02T14:41:00.005+07:00

it's the last day of 2009, and it is also the day when i woke up late :) so i skipped work... yeah bad ass

i promised ndut to take her to watch avatar 3D, and yes, she has never seen a 3D movie. so i gotta break my promise to lucy, and took my kid sister to watch avatar 3D (but i'd totally go and watch it again with you though luce :p)

anyway, we started out the day with selot. selot is this road beside her high school, and it is filled with all good foods, and it is very known for its famous meatball noodle soup and es doger. you should've seen ndut's face lights up when i told her that we could go to selot for our late breakfast. priceless.

we had the es doger and meatball noodle soup, it was good. we talked a while, and she asked me a very personal question, and i answered it truthfully.

after that, we went to the movie to watch avatar 3D. it's fun, it's been a while that we went out only the two of us.

we bought nachos and ice cream on the way home, and became carpet potato... :)

so i skipped work in the last day of 2009... and spent the day with my dearest kid sister... :)

dec 30/the trip

2010-01-01T12:26:00.003+07:00

i have this (for lack of better terms) clique, these girls that stuck together for a year now. i don't really know what attracts us to one another though. i mean, we're at the polar opposite of personality profile :) one's a perfect example of melancholy, another is sanguine, and there's the choleric, and of course a phlegmatic too. but for some reason, we bonded in some ways. we had our ups and downs. but at the end of the day, for some reason we always came back to each other.

when i went through my break up, they were there for me. giving me support i never thought i have. when our parents are sick, we tried to be there for one another. when one of us is sick, we also tried our hardest to be there. the thing is, we don't always have time to hang regularly, and we have another set of friends, but we're close...somewhat.

anyway, we've been talking about taking trips together. all talks no action :D

well, tiara and indar is taking a trip to thailand as i type and pilas and i had taken trip to lombok. but we haven't gone as a group, four of us. so with a year of planning, we're going to take a trip to one of the southeast asian countries. haven't been decided yet, but i'm the travel agent arranging everything. and i know that tiara probably wouldn't like the backpacking idea i have, but we're going to backpack =P

so i can't wait to arrange the itinerary and actually going for the trip... all four of us.

dec 29/again with the thanks

2009-12-29T22:07:00.002+07:00

i thank god...

i thank god for everything he gave me

this gift, that allows me to share with people

this thoughts, the endless thoughts he gave me, even though @ times i cannot sleep because of it

but i love this gift he gave me

thank you for my friends

the ones i cherish for so long

the ones that come and go

the ones that i have the pleasure to enjoy their companies

thank you so much

god knows, how much color you've put in my life

each and every one of you

thank you for giving me joy

to do the thing that i love the most

thank you for giving me a reason to smile

a reason to live

i was put in the earth for a reason

and i hope i can fulfill it

thank you for my strength

thank you for my patience

thank you for my passion

thank you for testing me

so i can have higher limit

thank you for my past

my present

and my future

dec 28/pilas and her missing phone

2009-12-29T09:23:00.002+07:00

pilas (well with her boyfriend account) sent me a blackberry messenger sunday night to tell me that her phone was missing. although it took me a while to figure out that pilas is actually the one who sent me the message (i know, she called me by my nick name already, i should've figured it out earlier... i'm sorry :D)

so the story was, she was out shopping in one of the prestigious mall in jakarta (that's why i can't believe there are pickpockets inside that mall, but there is...) and someone took her cellphone. taken aback for a while, and then just like lucy, i started laughing. because pilas without her phone, is just beyond imagination :)

just like me, she is dependent of her little blackberry. but then i imagined if such thing happened to me, my goodness... i mean, all the contacts, and not to mention the personal accounts, my goodness....

so i'm not laughing anymore. from now on, i won't take my stuff for granted. i have to guard it with care... even if it is in the most secure place...

dec 27/what's this...what's this??

2009-12-28T14:35:00.003+07:00

What's this? What's this?
There's color everywhere
What's this?
There's white things in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair
What's this?

and i finally got a copy for me!!!

the dvd of "nightmare before christmas"

finally!!!! i can watch jack singing "what's this" over and over again!!!

me LOVE!!!!!!!

nightmare before christmas made me fell in love with tim burton. i LOVE his movies. dark, twisted, cool... :) i love his artworks... and now all i have to do is buy the original soundtrack...

dec 26/otong's tantrum

2009-12-26T21:01:00.003+07:00

this morning i woke up normally. no bad feelings, nothing. after all, it's the day after christmas, and i'm off to do my morning gig @ indika fm.

after last night gig, i'm looking forward for today's show. i mean, i'm going to kick some ass.

it wasn't the case. for some reason i've lost my mood. and the show ended up to be flat. ow well... at least i got some time to edit some pics, and hopefully i can finish some up tomorrow too (it was supposed to be tonight, but suddenly i didn't feel like it)

and otong had a tantrum today. i had finished with my gig, and i pressed down the alarm to open the door. suddenly i felt something wrong, the weak reply from otong was not a good sign. and then i got my answer. otong won't start. yaaaaayyy his battery is off. *yaay me*

so i have to ask for the security guys to push otong, so i can turn him on (why can't i have a normal boyfriend, that got turned on normally) and i went down to the nearest shop, and replace his battery.

gotta love saturday huh? :)

dec 25/xmas morning thoughts

2009-12-26T20:03:00.004+07:00

it's christmas, my favorite holiday. i don't celebrate it, but i LOVE it. i think there's something about christmas that makes me feel like home... columbus home. i love the atmosphere, and everything about it. i just wish it snows in indonesia, so i can feel closer to home :)

this morning, i woke up with the smell of food in the house, yes boys and girls, mommy's making breakfast. well, her favorite daughter (read: my little sister) is home, so special treatment we get :)

so because of my early start, i took my bath a little early too. so i had sometime in front of the bathroom mirror and looked at myself. and it dawn on me, that God gave me everything at the right moment.

well, part of it is in the wake of my cousin's (almost) nervous breakdown. she's 19, living on her own in bandung, and i don't think she can handle the pressure. so i thankful, to God, that he gave me my 'freedom' and everything at the right age.

i can see it now... i just have to be patient, because god will give me everything at the right moment.

i thank god that he didn't give me a major radio gig until i past my 20s, because i know i couldn't handle the pressure, i would not be ready, and i don't have the sense of self yet.

i thank god that it took me sometime to have a stable job. so i know how to manage my money *somewhat* :p

i thank god that i didn't have a boyfriend when i was in high school... god knows what would happen if i did :)

so everything in my life happen in the right time... just have to be patience... that time will come :)

dec 24/and then we are complete

2009-12-25T22:47:00.004+07:00

i came home after a long trip... well, 5 days is pretty long. it seems like forever i haven't seen my folks. and when my mom looked @ me she's like, "your face all messed up."

i love you too mommy.... :)

and then we spent two hours waiting for ndut in the airport. me, mommy, and bapak. finally when ndut arrived, we rode home (me driving, i don't see the concept of getting picked up when i'm the one who has to drive though) anyway... while i was driving, i am smiling to myself. here we are, we're complete, everyone's home :)

i miss my sister dearly, the house seems empty without her watching tv in front of my room, and her occasional laughs when she watched the shows she loves. or her reaction when she found out that one channel had a show she loves :)

so then we are 4... and now, everything's complete... :)